that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Weak or Strong?

Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong, we are weak, but He is strong

 

Remember it? Since Fri. I can’t tell you the amount of people that have told me how strong I am… Boy you all would have been so disappointed if you would have seen me in the early hours of this beautiful morning. I stay busy at all times to keep my mind silent, but it’s those quiet moments when I should be reflecting on the blessings that God has given me. Satan seems to move in and fill my head with fear. Loads and loads of thick fear that makes my chest feel tight and like someone is strangling me. It’s not a good fear at all. Someone once told me that if you fear then you don’t have faith. I don’t want to make that statement come true. I have terrible anxiety and have had it since my dear Mama passed away 6 years ago. I have tried to pray and pray it away and God always helps me through every situation, but it’s always in my head. The what ifs, the how’s and why’s of every blessed situation. I would love to wake up one day and just live in the moment.

 

To face my fears I have to talk about the blessings. Many blessings have come my way since Friday. When I received the news Fri afternoon I called my dear friend Kim to tell her. She said the most beautiful prayers over me and I felt peace. Like God Himself wrapped His arms around me right there in that little hospital room. She in turn told our friend Karen who sent me this text, “The Son of Man did not come to destroy lives, but to save them. Luke 9:56, He healed every kind of disease and illness, Matthew 4:23, He healed those who were sick. Luke 9:11, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you. John 1:2” She was speaking grace and mercy in my life when I least expected it. God knew I needed to hear that in that moment! That evening my dear friend Carolyn came to see me at the hospital and said the whole way driving she felt God wanting her to share a verse with me. Luke 9:56… The exact one my friend Karen had sent me earlier in the day. Coincidence? I think not! Again God spoke through my friends to make it clear to me that He loves me and He is with me through this journey!

Saturday when I got home a sweet lady Dolores from our church who is a cancer survivor herself showed up at my door unannounced and brought loads of yummy food from Boston Market and a bag full of snacks and drinks for the kids. And a beautiful sweet prayer over me. That night another dear friend Leta dropped in and brought beautiful fall flowers a card and magnets that say never ever give up! While she was here my fishing buddies Heather and Ian stopped by to bring me homemade goods from there business. ( A little plug, it’s called Our Home and they make amazing homemade canned goods!) We all visited for a while and it was what I needed to clear my head of the bad and bring the good through!!

Sunday morning I woke up in loads of pain, however I slept like a rock and had a little energy. I decided as long as I am good and able I am going to church. The love I felt surrounding me had me in tears the whole service. God was with me and I knew it. The prayers and hugs and sweet words of encouragement that met me in those pews was all God letting me know that He has everything under control. I went ahead and taught my Sunday School class of amazing 6-8th graders and a few high schoolers that for some reason don’t want to let go. ( I’m glad they don’t because I love them so much!) 😉

During Sunday school our friends Mike and Shannon who are due next month with sweet baby boys text me to say we are bringing over pizza! Another blessing! As they were here visiting my sweet Kim stopped by with her husband Curtis and brought me canvases so I could paint bible verses to put on my encouragement wall! The fact that she listened to my thoughts that I wanted to do something and bought me the supplies to do it.. amazing!!

Last night my friend Lori brought us the most amazing pot roast! Seriously there was a party going on in my mouth. Tender and yummy! She also brought beautiful fall flowers and lots of treats and goodies for us. Then she handed me a little angel that fits right in my hand. It meant the world to me to know that whenever I am afraid I can look at it or hold it and know that God is with me. Not that I don’t know He is with me whenever, but to have something to hold makes it even sweeter!

My phone has been blowing up since Fri. with text and phone calls of encouragement and love and support. So much that it is overwhelming! It makes me question what I did to deserve this?  Have I been this good to others in time of need? All I know is God is good! He is walking with me and just like the old beautiful poem I know I will only see one set of footprints as He carries me through the hard times.

What are you facing today? Can I pray about something with you? Do you need encouragement? Maybe you just need to know that someone is listening. I pray that whatever it is God will surround you with His love whether it be through friends or neighbors. Maybe even family. Always, always praise Him through the storm!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ

 

~Matthew 4:23 He healed every kind of disease and illness!

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Surprise!!! It’s cancer!!!

Well not quite the surprise anyone wants to hear right? However it was the words I heard this weekend. Friday the 27 of September 2013. I need to write that date because when I am finished this journey I need to be able to look back at that date and know that I finished this journey with God’s help and the prayers of so so many people!!

I wanted to start this blog for 3 reasons.

1- I will need to vent. The good, the bad and the very ugly. This will be raw at times and maybe overly detailed. I will share things that you may not want to hear or read about. This is my journey and I need to write about it,

2- I need to update family and friends on everything that I go through, from Dr appointments to surgeries, to test results.

3- I’m not sure, but I would hope maybe I could help someone else who is going down the same road I am going down.

Have you ever felt like you were all alone in this world?? I’ll admit it, I did. Matter of fact just a few weeks ago I told D that I feel like I don’t have any friends. I was in so much pain and I was the one who pulled away. I didn’t want people to see me hurting or feeling sick. I put on that happy face so that everyone knew that Sarah had it all together. Did I? Everyone thought I did.

I’m going to back up a little and tell you how I found out about the cancer. This will be gross and detailed and things that will make you wish you hadn’t have read that. That is your warning… 😉 Skip to the bottom if you don’t want to know.

Last year when D and I would have “relations” I would bleed afterwards. Nothing major, but did put up a few antennas in my head. It didn’t happen every time, but this year became more frequent. June 30th of this year, I woke up with extreme lower back pain. Finally D told me you need to go to the ER, something is really wrong. After a few hours or testing along with a catscan, the Dr told me that I had an extreme kidney infection. He gave me some antibiotics and pain pills and sent me on my way. One month later I still felt like crap. July 3rd I started bleeding, not just regular menstrual bleeding, but massive wear a diaper bleeding. I was passing blood clots the size of small animals. I’m not even kidding, it was ugly. I thought this is quite the period! It went on and on and come August 3rd I thought this is bad, really bad. Here’s the kicker. We have no insurance. Thank you Obamacare! My husbands company presented us with the new “package” of $1969 a month for our family of 5. Some of you may be able to afford that. However Obama can take that “affordable” health care plan and stick it! No that is not a Christian way of putting it, but sometimes I have to speak how I feel.

Back to my story. I started calling around to different Gyno offices to try and get an appointment. I have heard everything from “sorry we do not treat people without insurance because you all don’t pay your bills” to “sure we can see you, our next appointment is in Dec” or my favorite, “your uninsured? It will be $650 just to walk in the door and you have to pay that up front”. I’m not even kidding! On the other extreme my hard working husband makes to much for any assistance such as Medicaid or free clinics. We were literally stuck in the middle! I decided to hang in there and hoped to God it was early menopause! Sept. 3rd came and I was still bleeding. Fast forward to Sept. 27. I woke up to severe bleeding, another word for it is hemorrhaging. D rushed me to the ER. They took me right back and started a very long day of testing. 4 pelvic exams a ultrasound probe, catscan and so much more. Then they dropped the bomb. You have advanced cervical cancer… How advanced? How is it cancer? It is treatable? Question after question filled my mind, but no words came out. I sat and cried. It’s all I could do.

A urologist came to see me and told me that the tumor was blocking my right ureter causing my right kidney to be completely backed up and useless. He wanted to put a stint through to drain it. I was taken to the OR and when I woke up I was told the mass was bigger then what they thought and it was unsuccessful. I cried some more. I knew then that this journey was going to be a long hard journey.

I’m going to end this here because the pain is too much for me tonight and the drugs are kicking in. Also this is getting long and I don’t want you to be tired of reading 😉 Tomorrow I am going to the oncologist to hopefully get all my questions answered and to see what plan of attack we are going to take on this! I will update soon!

Luke 9:56 ~ The Lord did not come to destroy, but to save!

 

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The Beginning

The Beginning

This is me at the beginning of this journey!

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