that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Good blood in, bad blood out!

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Hello from my little cubicle! Right now as I am typing this I am getting a blood transfusion! It’s not that exciting so I probably shouldn’t have put that exclamation point at the end of that sentence. 😉

I have been anemic all my life, but the cancer cells are attacking my good red blood cells so it has brought my numbers way low. Like 6.2 low. The Dr was shocked that I haven’t had a heart attack yet because the stress on my heart and lungs just trying to walk. So here I sit with fresh blood going into my veins and the bad stuff heading out!

It’s reminds me so much of our lives. We all have bad stuff in us. Whether it would be lying, stealing, cheating, anger and so much more! However when We allow God in our lives, He takes away all that bad stuff and replaces it with good.

I’m not sure how you want to live your life, but it is so good to know that God is in charge of mine. I’m so glad I gave Him the reigns to take all that bad stuff out and replace it with good. As this journey goes on I pray that I can be a light to others and a witness of how God can replace the bad with the good. 😉

 

Psalm 50:15 and call  upon me in the day of trouble;    I will deliver you, and  you shall glorify me.”

 

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One Month Thought Processs

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This is me, one month ago. The same day I found out I had cancer. The kids were leaving with D for the night and I was saying bye in my little corner room. The hot tears that ran down my cheeks that night are the same ones that ran down last night.  I’m sure they will be the same tears that will continue to run down until this whole mess is over.

This week has by far been the worse through all of this. I have completed week 1 of chemo and radiation. It felt good until about Thursday. Since then it has been a struggle just to keep my eyes open, to make my stomach feel like I’m not going to throw up every 5 minutes and the fact that I have to make myself eat something. At this rate I might finally have that bikini body I have always wanted by next summer. 😉

I keep pushing myself to get up and try and continue life as normally as possible. I believe if I lay around I am only going to make myself feel worse. Doing dishes and cleaning, running errands and doing laundry is a whole lot slower, but I am getting it done. As my Dad used to say, “You can’t keep a good woman down for long” 😉

Everything that has happened this week has made me think a lot more of the road I have in front of me. Right now it looks really scary! It looks almost like I won’t be able to complete it. It looks bumpy and full of pot holes. I know that the chemo and radiation is going to make me feel worse as time goes on. I will continue apologizing for not being able to do things or not show up when I am needed somewhere. However I have to keep going, I have to grab the hand of a loved one or a dear friend and I have to go on. Those kids that were waving at their Mama through that window are depending on me to fight through this to be there for them. That good looking bearded man that I am married to is depending on me to continue being beside him through this walk of life. Giving up is not and option.

As crappy as I feel, I am getting to know others that come to radiation and chemo and I have to look at my situation and thank God that it is not as bad as some of the other situations that sit beside me day in and day out. God knows what He is doing and sometimes I have to shut my mouth and just say thank you Jesus that you have all of this in the palm of your hands. I am NOT alone through this and on the days that it seems that I am, I have to pray that God would show Himself real to me. I did not choose this path, but somehow God thought I could handle it so He chose me to walk through this journey. I can’t let Him down or anyone else down. I have to lift my chin and walk with pride that God loves me enough to give me tough challenges. It’s amazing how your faith can grow when in times of crisis.

My thoughts one month out is that this is scary, but I know God is walking beside me and will continue to do so until this is done!

 

Psalms 121  I look to the hills! Where will I find help?

It will come from the Lord, who created the heavens and the earth.

The Lord is your protector, and he won’t go to sleep or let you stumble.

The protector of Israel doesn’t doze     or ever get drowsy.

The Lord is your protector, there at your right side to shade you from the sun.

You won’t be harmed by the sun during the day or by the moon at night.

The Lord will protect you and keep you safe from all dangers.

The Lord will protect you now and always wherever you go.

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Let’s just be honest…

I am trying to have the best attitude through all of this. People are telling me that I am brave and strong and all sorts of descriptive words. None of them seem to fit me today…

I probably should not write when I am in pain as it may come out to be a “whoa is me, snot fest”. However today has been rough, really rough. I woke up feeling rough and rough has stuck close with me today. I’m trying to get over this cold so my ears are slowly starting to clog up so I am trying to hear and it’s disturbing to hear my heart beat non stop along with that swishing sound all day. I’m on loads of pain killers and other meds that quite frankly can stop you up like a cork! Yes, I’m being that honest. And although they said it would go away after the first week, which for the most part it has, but the bleeding has come back with a vengeance today. It is making my hips feel like they will snap off at any time it hurts that bad. I want to rip out all the tubes that are hanging out of me because  they are really starting to bother me and making me feel claustrophobic.  So how is that for honesty?

I’m trying folks, I’m trying hard to be a witness through all of this. I’m trying to be someone that is positive and has a good outlook on this situation…. Today is not one of those days and tonight I am coveting your prayers. Whether you pray or give good thoughts or positive vibes, whatever it may be, I could use your prayers.

I did have the blessing of a dear friend surprising me at radiation today and it was so wonderful to have someone there. As much as I didn’t think I wanted to face anyone today in my sorrow it was good to have her with me even if for just a little bit. It’s the little things folks that keep this girl going. I am praying to wake up tomorrow with complete hearing back in both ears, no bleeding, no cramping and sorry but a bathroom trip would be lovely! God will take care of me and although it seems extremely overwhelming tonight, joy comes in the morning! Thank you for your prayers!!

 

Psalms 30:5 …Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.

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Crazy, Sexy, Cancer???

I have watched that documentary when it came out years ago. I ended up watching it online again the other night. First off I want to say there is NOTHING sexy about cancer!! With tubes hanging out everywhere and crosshairs drawn everywhere and I will spare you the details of everything else, but I can assure you that no, cancer and sexy do not belong in the same sentence!

It’s sad to watch this documentary and see the women facing cancer that is much worse then what I am dealing with. I listen to the way they talk and watch the way they live and I wonder, how are they doing it without God in there lives? I cant imaging going through what I am going through without the help of God and loads of prayer!!

Yesterday was my first chemo. I looked liked a very scared little girl heading off to her first day of school. My husband even kind of made it official by taking non stop pictures. 😉 Here I am in the chair starting the pre meds before the chemo.

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It was a very long day and I did not realize how many different things get injected into you before you actually get the chemo. Total when I left I had 8 bags of meds pumped in me. My poor body was very angry last night when I tried to go to sleep with severe restless leg syndrome and then woken up with a massive migraine. Other then that, I am thanking the dear sweet Lord that I did not get sick, I didn’t even feel nauseous in any way! That’s huge people and I’m thankful!!

I still have radiation everyday and here in the first week it’s already starting to feel like groundhog day! 😉

The outpouring of love has been overwhelming this week! You all are amazing and I can’t thank you enough for all the blessings that you are pouring over me! I believe that God is truly working a miracle in me. I am just walking along through this and doing what needs to be done to fight through this mess. Every time that radiation machine passes over my body I thank God for His healing. I thank God for giving people the smarts to invent machines like that to help people out. I pray for the other people that lay under that beam day in and day out. So much hurt and pain. God gives me the strength I need to do this and I am looking forward to the day they tell me that I am in remission and the cancer is gone! What an amazing day that will be!!!

Cancer is crazy, never sexy, but nothing that I can’t face when I have God by my side, friends and family praying for me and loving all over me through this walk!

 

Jeremiah 33:6
Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth.

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Who is your Trust placed in?

The fear that gripped me this morning was almost as bad as the feeling I felt when I was about to give birth… You men wouldn’t understand, but that moment they tell you “It’s time to push”… Yeah that fear! I have been dealing with a cold since Friday. Not something you want to have when going through everything else. This is one of those really snotty colds that make you dizzy and plug up your ears so you say Huh? a lot!! The past few nights have been interesting to say the least. Too many tubes to be comfortable then trying to suppress a cough all night so as to not disturb your hubby. Getting up 10 times to blow your nose behind the closed bathroom door. Again as to not disturb the hubby. It makes things for no sleep whatsoever.

This morning was the first day of radiation. I didn’t sleep at all. I got up this morning and the anxiety had taken over every part of my body to the point where I sat on the bathroom floor ready to throw up. Thank God I didn’t, but I almost wished I had just so I could have felt better!! My eyes were watering from sneezing, I had tissues shoved up my nose and I was popping cough drops like candy. My dear friend Kim called me and said the most beautiful prayer over me and off I went.

The palms of my hands were sweating like I was going on a bad first date. I checked in and sat down in the ladies waiting room. Yes they have a mans waiting room and a ladies. Kind of makes it nice so there are no awkward moments between men and women. As I looked around the room I saw papers and notes hanging everywhere. Cancer this and cancer that, radiation and rules and tell your Dr. this and that. It was loads of information. So much so I closed my eyes to block it out. My stomach started churning again and the fear tried so hard to come back. I finally opened my eyes and looked at the table beside me and out of all the magazines this is what was on top…

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CHEER UP!!! Yes God I’m listening!! How many times has God so not very gently tried to get your attention? I’m pretty sure He was trying to get mine. All this morning I was only thinking about me, me, me. I wasn’t focusing on what I should have been which was putting faith in God to help me.

 

They called me back into the room and habit is drop your pants and get on the table. Classy I know. 😉 After about 1o minutes of moving me around they finally stepped out and told me they were beginning. The people are so sweet! They said they would be talking to me and listening to me through the speaker somewhere in the ceiling. I have 7 spots that they will radiate everyday. Once the radiation started it only took a little over 10 minutes. It seriously was not bad at all. Of course the amount of worrying I did all morning was so not worth the effort!

I know that I am human and God made emotions and feelings. I’m going to have fear and I’m going to worry. It’s human nature, but I have to take those gentle reminders that no matter what, I have to trust God! When going over the pet scan with the Dr. after radiation, she told me that my uterus is shaped a weird way which is rare. After her explanation it completely explains why I had 3 very bad labors. However other then bad child birth it is going to be a awesome asset to my anatomy because it is naturally protecting some of my organs from radiation. Where as other patients they have to work a lot harder to protect those organs. I looked at the Dr. (Who I don’t think believes in God) and said God knew exactly what He was doing. He formed me in this special way. He knew that this would be happening and He made me in a way that my body could handle and protect itself from this radiation. He is AMAZING!!

When I got home there was a wonderful basket full of goodies waiting on the front porch for me from my bunco group. Filled with love. It was pure love. Beside the basket was flowers, cookies and vitamin C drink packets to help boost my immune system from my dear friend Kim. I am loved you all! I can’t tell you how much the cards, gifts, flowers, food and prayers have meant to me. It is seriously what is keeping me encouraged. Encouragement is an amazing thing to feel! I actually look forward to the mail everyday now because the cards are pouring in. Stacks of them everyday. Half the people I don’t even know. They are friends of friends or friends of family members down the line. Regardless the encouragement has been incredible!! God is all over this and if anything through all of this I can speak to the hearts of others and maybe even my Dr.s heart, then this has truly been worth it!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path

 

 

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Hello? Is this thing on??

I have heard that my blog is being shared all over the nation.  So I am putting out a challenge to you to tell me who you are. You certainly know plenty about me. 😉 In the comment section on here not Facebook let me know what state you are from. It sure would mean a lot to me! Thank you and have a blessed Sunday!!

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I’m not in control… at all

There WILL come a time in your life when it comes down to just you and God.

 

Sometimes life dishes out some unexpected things. Like cancer in a what I still consider myself to be a  young woman. I don’t have a job that I go to everyday, but I am a mom of 3 and I am on the go constantly. I actually love it that way. At the end of each day when I tuck those 3 kiddos into bed and say there nightly prayers with them I crawl in my bed and I feel accomplished. I feel thankful and blessed and although tired I feel happy that God entrusted them to me to raise them and care for them.

Since my diagnoses I have been moving slower and slower. I run out of energy a lot quicker then I care to admit. My Dr. tells me it’s normal because the cancer cells are attacking my good cells very quickly. It’s hard for me to wake up one day and say “Oh I’m going to take it easy from now on”… Not me, never will be me!

I have been praying for a miracle, before each surgery or procedure I have prayed for a miracle. Before each Dr. visit or exam I have prayed for a miracle. So far though that miracle hasn’t come. I think, how am I going to be a Mom to these 3 kids who rely on me so much. How am I going to be a good wife to my husband who wants to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table and cuddles on the couch. How am I going to let down the people that I volunteer for the things I help out with at my church? How will I let go of the reigns and be okay with it? The months that lay ahead of me are not looking very inviting!

Then I was reminded that I am not doing this alone, we are not doing this alone! Philippians 4:13 says, I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

When the anxiety of it all gets to be way to much for me to bear, I think of the verse, 2 Timothy 1:7 that says The Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

When I worry about finances, I think of all of the AMAZING blessings from friends and families and I believe God is reminding me that He will always provide for us! Philippians 4:19, And my God will provide all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus.

Part of me is exhausted just thinking about the upcoming months…..but I am reminded, Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

As weary as I am also somewhat looking forward to it all because isn’t this what life is all about? Ups and downs, the good times and the not so good times? I’m not so sure what our family is about to go through, but I am sure about one thing and that is God is in control!

He uses situations for our growth and His glory. The growth part usually hurts so very bad, but I need to keep trusting in Him that He knows exactly what He is doing and I can’t question this because He is in control!

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How are your Training Wheels?

I’m not 3 and I have been riding a big girl bike for, well a very long time. However I have training wheels… No not the kind of training wheels that squeak and make your bike go back and forth. I have the kind that God is training me on.

I guess every time any of us face something new whether it would be exciting like a new job or a new baby or something scary like cancer or learning to live without someone since they passed. Any of these you would be wearing new training wheels. You can’t just jump into situations like this and start riding around with your hands in the air feeling the wind in your face and hair blowing about. Situations that are new are shaky and uneven and throw you off balance. Your afraid of falling and scraping yourself up. Your afraid of not being able to keep up with those more experienced riders that are zipping all around you in circles.

Cancer is my new set of training wheels. This is all new to me. I have the fear of not being able to make it, I have the fear of failing or falling along the way. I remember loads of tears when I was learning how to ride a bike and how my Daddy with those big strong hands of his would pick me up and wipes the tears and gently tell me try it again Murphy. (My given nickname from my Dad)

Isn’t God exactly the same? Through all this fear and tears He will come along and pick me up and wipe my tears and gently remind me to try again. He tells me that I’m not doing this alone. I have hundreds of people praying for me. I have the blessings of friends and family that are riding right beside me helping me over the bumps and potholes in this road. We are never alone! God is always there right beside us through any situation. It’s up to you whether or not you want to call on Him for help.

So many people are hurting today, so many of us are riding around on our uneven, noisy training wheels. How many times will you stop today and help someone who just fell or encourage someone who is ready to give up trying by telling them, just a little bit further. You can do this! Make sure that you don’t pass up that opportunity today.

I have had so much encouragement over the past 3 weeks that My training wheels seem to be a little smoother today. The ride still looks scary, but I know that I have so many of you standing on the side of the road cheering me on and I have to tell you, I’m starting to feel the wind in my face and I’m not white knuckling the handle bars as much. I might even be starting to smile a little more. All of this because encouragement is what builds bravery in someone else!

 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear  or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will  not leave you or forsake you.”

 

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So Let the Sunshine In, Face it with a Grin!!!

Remember that tune? Every time we were having a bum day, my sweet Mama would sing that song to us.

Today I am singing that song to myself for 2 reasons. One we officially have sun! After 10 blessed days of rain, the sun has peeked through. We still have clouds, but the sun is forcing it’s way through and bringing some much needed vitamin D!! I’m not sure about the rest of you, but I am solar powered. The grayer and rainier it is the slower and more moody I get! Thank you Jesus for the sun!!! He knew I needed it!

The second reason I am singing that song is because I have had a couple of rough days. I remember I was about 13 years old and I had an argument with one of my best guy buddies. I came downstairs and my Mama was doing her daily waltz through the kitchen making homemade goodness and I just stood on the landing at the bottom of the steps and watched her almost willing her to see me because I needed encouragement from her. She finally turned around and walked over to me and asked me what was wrong. I told her and she took both of her hands and put them on my face and pulled my mouth into a smile and started singing,

Mommy told me something a little girl should know
It’s all about the Devil and I’ve learned to hate him so
She says he causes trouble when you let him in the room
He will never ever leave you if your heart is filled with gloom

So, let the sun shine in, face it with a grin
Smilers never lose and frowners never win
So, let the sun shine in, face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in

I smiled at her and she said “there is my Sarie Sue Sunshine” which was the name she labeled me with often. I wish that dear woman was still here. I know she would be holding my hand and praying with me and all I am going through. However she is not, so I have to live with her memories to get me through the dark days.

Today I am feeling a little better and I am singing that song over and over in my head thinking of my Mama’s beautiful voice singing it to me. I know that I will have dark days to come, but if I can remember that God will let that sunshine in, then I think I can do this. Scratch that, I KNOW I can do this.

Whatever dark days you are facing right now whether it’s physically, mentally, financially, relationships. Whatever it is, just remember to let the sunshine in! We are all going to face dark days, but you don’t have to stay there!

Genesis 21:6            

Sarah said, “God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me.”

 

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AFV… 10 Grand? Yes please!

I have told you about all the sad and boring stuff about cancer, but can I share the funny stuff now? I’m thinking if someone was video taping my life right now, I would be guaranteed the $10,000 without a doubt!

I have talked about my Nephrostomy Tube, but not in detail and I think you all need to know the ups and downs I have had with this thing. It is strapped to my leg like a pistol holster and the tube runs up the back of my thigh and inserted into my back. There is enough tape applied to it that the tape is started to defy me and want to flip over and stick to shirts and sheets and whatever else I decide to lean up against. The past couple of days I have felt “wetness” around my thigh and not that much liquid in the bag. I thought well the Dr. did say that it might “seep” a little from my back. Today I finally had enough and followed my hands up my back. No wetness… Ok well I flushed the line with saline to see if the port was leaking. No wetness… I gave up. After a busy morning I decided to lay down on the couch for a nap.

When I woke up I was soaked. Good Lord I was sure I had peed all over myself, but it was my shirt that was wet where I had laid my bag to go to sleep. After much investigation I realized that my bag had a hole in it… Yes I really had peed on myself only through the bag. I could not believe it! I went to get up and the tape holding the sucker in was stuck to the couch because my shirt had come up some. I had to put my hand back and peel the tape off the couch as not to pull on my tube and my other arm is trying to hold up the bag so I wouldn’t pee on myself anymore!

After going upstairs I had decided to do a sponge bath after the nightmare I endured last night… Our master bath only has a stand up shower stall. Since I cannot get my back wet because of the tube I have been sitting down on the floor leaning over to wash my hair and shave my legs because it’s easier then standing up and risking getting the tube wet. A sweet friend of mine gave me a shower seat in hopes of taking the strain off of getting up and down off the floor. It was a little worn and I’m not exactly a small girl so you can imagine what happened next.

I cannot get the picc line in my arm wet so I took the waterproof arm cover that my son used this summer when he broke his arm and put it over my picc line. It was a little tight, but I thought I wouldn’t be in there that long so it should be fine. After applying all the apparatus to my body to take a simple shower, I stepped in and began the journey of getting clean. I washed my hair leaning over and washed my body and then I decided to sit down and shave my legs. I sat on that shower bench and all 4 legs did the splits! I was going down quickly and trying to grasp for anything to soften the blow! It was the funniest experience I have ever endured in the shower. By this time I figured I was already sitting down on the floor so I will carry on shaving my legs.

I was leaning over almost done and started to get lightheaded. I hurried up and finished and got out only to discover that the lightheadedness was getting worse. What in the world was wrong with me?!? I suddenly couldn’t feel my arm and I looked down and my arm was blue. I quickly called my hubby to come help me get this waterproof thing off my arm! He ran up the steps and after 2 minutes with both of us pulling and pushing trying not to snag the picc line we finally got it off. So there I stood butt naked, with a wet tube hanging out my back, a VERY purple mark around my upper arm and loads of conditioner still in my hair because I forgot to wash it all out.

Y’all I can’t make this stuff up!!! I really wish I could, but I can’t. This is my life now! I was talking to my sisters today and telling them this story. One of them ask me if I still had to sit on the toilet to pee… Yes I still have one good kidney that forces me to sit on a toilet. No it doesn’t come out in the bag the same time I go to the toilet. I told them about the shower seat and my oldest says oh I have a whole geriatric warehouse of goods from when our Mom was sick with cancer. I told her to send me the shower seat. She said would you like the porta potty as well? I told her just send half of it. 😉

There is so much funny in my life right now that I can’t dwell on the ugly!

Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones

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