that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Mommy, will you die?

on October 1, 2013

This is a hard one for me because I was wondering when it would come about. Caleb is my sweet little redhead. He was my only baby out of 3 that never wanted to leave my hip. He is so tender hearted and is all boy rolled in one. My inlaws drove in from Iowa today to be of help to us through this journey. I can’t begin to say how thankful I am to them for this. D and I went to home group tonight and the kids stayed home with Grandma and Grandpa.


We returned home and my blood pressure has been spiking so I came up here to go to bed and Caleb was still awake. I laid down beside him and asked him why he wasn’t asleep yet. He said Mommy I close my eyes but the sleep doesn’t happen. He seemed deep in thought and I asked him what he was thinking about. In the dark with the glow of his radio I saw his little face crinkle up and he started to cry. He said, Mommy I don’t want to lose you… Will you die? Ughhhh I wasn’t ready to answer that question. I told him that everything will be okay. We serve a big God and He is going to be walking through this with me! I couldn’t tell him that I wasn’t going to die. We are all going to die. I could get in an accident tomorrow and die. I couldn’t lie to him and tell him that I wasn’t going to… This was a hard one.


I know that I will go through many hard times through all of this. I just wasn’t prepared for one so soon. My kids are my hero’s. They are the reason that I get out of bed each morning. Even washing their dirty laundry I thank God that I have kids to dirty up clothes. Every time I run out of milk I thank God that I have kids to use up everything. Through this God is opening up my eyes to a new view of my family, my church, my surroundings. My heart has been softened to so many different things. I pray that I can be that Mom that my kids look up to. That Mom that fights for her life to be around for her kids. I pray that my kids will see God in me and  know that whatever this journey takes us that God is holding our hands and we have no reason to fear.


Yesterday in Sunday School the kids had communion. The pastor blessed the bread and Caleb came over to me and rubbed it on my arm and said this is God’s holy bread and it’s blessed so it should heal your cancer. 😉 He asked tonight if God hear his prayers. He absolutely does little buddy without a doubt. Faith of a child I believe is heard more than others sometimes. Conversations will be hard, but I know that God is walking right along side us!

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”


5 responses to “Mommy, will you die?

  1. Katelyn Hodgin says:

    Oh my gosh, Sarah. This has me crying my eyes out! I am so glad that even though I’m 400 and some odd numbered miles away, I can still be with you and your family spiritually. Miss you always!

  2. Kim Collins says:

    The beauty of a child’s spirit, so tender and pure. You must look at your life and see that the beauty you possess has been passed onto your precious children. There is nothing greater then the love between a mommy and her son. You are so brave and being honest with him, and all of them for that matter, is the best in the long run. God is walking with you and your children during all of this. He will not abandon!

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