that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

In The Quiet

on October 2, 2013

For the first time since last Friday, I am finding myself alone. The kids are at school, D went to work today and the inlaws went to breakfast and are running errands. I thought it might be scary, but God put this peace over me last night and it just feels good to kind of breath alone for a little bit.

I have been up since 2 this morning simply for the fact that I am in a lot of pain. The pain meds are really not doing a very good job, so I am skipping them all together and just taking a few doses of Motrin here and there. I went ahead and got up and walked the boys to the bus stop and took Montana to her bus stop. I’m sure it’s what I am going through, but my love for them has multiplied so much that I almost cry looking at them. They are growing up so fast and they really are good kids. I love laughing with them! Montana and I shared some awesome laughs this morning waiting for her bus and it just felt so good. It’s not often that I have a real good belly laugh. It’s healing to my soul.

Tomorrow morning I head to the hospital to have the tube put in my kidney. I’m not as scared about it as I was yesterday because I found out I don’t have to be put under! I am not scared of any surgery, it’s the waking up part that is bad. I’m not kidding it’s ugly. I have this anxiety thing and when I wake up and I have tubes coming from every which way and I know I can’t get out of bed, I feel loopy and can’t breath well. It gets flat out ugly. I have had people hold me to the bed before. So when I heard that it was local anesthetic and some happy sedative in my IV then I couldn’t stop smiling!

The thing that kind of freaks me out is I have one good kidney and one that will have a bag… I’m wondering exactly how that will work. I don’t want to be standing in Target and all of a sudden feel the bag get warm and be like, no one look I’m peeing!! 😉 Don’t laugh you all know it could happen! Does it get taped to me or flung over my shoulder in a purse? I know most of you would think of normal questions to ask the Dr. However I have never been placed in the “normal” category so my mind runs on a different wave then others. I can’t apologize for that.

Either way it should be interesting to get accustomed to this new life. I will also be getting a port put in for chemo so they won’t have to stick me every time. I think for Halloween this year I will show my pee bag, port and a awesome wig and say, this is my costume 😉 I’m sure I’ll rock it well!

Lots of randomness running around in the head today, but I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to write tomorrow with the surgery. I am hoping I won’t be in to much pain after it. Lots of stuff to get done today to prepare for the next 10-12 weeks with treatment. I’m thinking I should have a scooter for all this running around! Gas is going to be a beast in my old ram everyday!  Should be loads of fun! 😉 God has his hands all over this or I wouldn’t be able to feel this peace or try and joke about the situation. I know that I am in a very serious situation, but for those of you who truly know me, know that I joke a lot. So please don’t think that I am lighthearted about all of this. I am just trying to help myself stay upbeat. I understand I am going to have some Debbie Downer moments, but I can’t stay there long. I have to get up, brush off and carry on.

Continue the prayers!! I am so thankful for each and every one of you!!

Proverbs 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones


2 responses to “In The Quiet

  1. Sarah your strength and faith doesn’t surprise me one bit, you are so much like your beautiful momma. I am thinking about you and praying for you. Please remember if I can do anything let me know!

  2. Freida says:

    Actually, I can really relate to your sense of humor, Sarah. Glad it is just going to be local and “Happy Juice”!

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