that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

It Sunk In…

on October 7, 2013

Do you ever have that moment when something hits you and you finally say, WOW it is true!

Last night was that moment for me. Everything that everyone has told me finally hit. The pain was unreal last night and my mind finally caught up with my body and the realization was I really do have cancer! Hard wouldn’t be the word to describe what hit last night! All these months of feeling “off”, but never really any pain. I blew it off with so many excuses. I guess having a very high pain tolerance can be a blessing and a curse all at the same time. A blessing as I can handle a lot of pain when a lot of others would cave. A curse in the fact that my body was trying to tell me something was wrong and I brushed it off and kept going.

I let my mind finally cave to everything my body was telling me and I’ll be honest y’all, IT HURTS!!! I’m tired and worn down and it’s frustrating because this is nothing like my norm! I don’t slow down, I’m running around at all times. Do you realize how much stuff was planned for October? I have had to call so many people and apologize that I have to back out of commitments. I can’t stand doing that!

I never want to sound like I am complaining. I still want to put on that happy face and help people out with whatever I can do. My normal is slowly being stripped from me and it’s really hard to accept. People tell me it’s okay to complain or have a crusty attitude once in a while, but I don’t want to let anyone see my defenses have been dropped. It’s inevitable that everyone will see it sooner or later, but I will fight it for all it’s worth. When someone with anxiety like me allows the bad thoughts and feelings and depression to kick in then they have to work extra hard to get it out of their mind.

I talked to my neighbor down the road this morning and she was asking what all was going on. I told her and she said she had cervical cancer last summer, but it was caught at an early stage and she is fine now. I know she was trying to find the words to help me out, but if you are not sure what to say then just stay quiet because more then likely it will come out as what she said to me next. She said during her treatment she met a few ladies that had stage 3 and they all died so she hoped that the Dr. could help me… Well thank you, that sure was comforting! Goes back to that thing of if you don’t know what to say then just pipe down. 😉

Tomorrow I go back to the oncologist in hopes of getting more questions answered. I am writing down all my questions and trying my best to wrap my brain around all this information. I imagine sometime this week I will start chemo and radiation after I meet with the oncologist. I’m still in search of some yoga pants or really long tunic tops to hide this mess 😉 Once my energy decides to show itself today I must go shopping! If not then interwebs shopping it is. I shared this on my Facebook today and I will share it again. God never promises me a tomorrow, but I am so thankful and happy when I see one! I pray you all have a wonderful day! Be thankful for your job, be thankful for your health, be thankful for your family, be thankful for everything that God has blessed you with!

 

2 Corinthians 12:10 For the sake of Christ,  then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships,  persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am  strong.

 

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One response to “It Sunk In…

  1. Kim Collins says:

    I know sometimes people say the darnedest things. At times they truly don’t think before they speak, not that they are trying to hurt you, but because they lack the wisdom or even sincerity to know what to say. You will encounter so many varieties of people throughout your journey, some that will blow you away with their kindness and encouragement and those that will make you scratch your head and think “wow! they could have kept that one to themselves!” No matter what, just surround yourself with those that believe with you and encourage you. Keep the naysayers out! Remember to fall back on God’s word, that is what will be with you always, and it will never steer you wrong! Here are a few verses that I hope will encourage you today! Love you always xoxo!
    Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you
    1 Peter 5:7
    Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give your rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light. Matthew 11:28-30
    This is the same verse but from the Message Bible:
    28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

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