that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

I’m not in control… at all

on October 19, 2013

There WILL come a time in your life when it comes down to just you and God.


Sometimes life dishes out some unexpected things. Like cancer in a what I still consider myself to be a  young woman. I don’t have a job that I go to everyday, but I am a mom of 3 and I am on the go constantly. I actually love it that way. At the end of each day when I tuck those 3 kiddos into bed and say there nightly prayers with them I crawl in my bed and I feel accomplished. I feel thankful and blessed and although tired I feel happy that God entrusted them to me to raise them and care for them.

Since my diagnoses I have been moving slower and slower. I run out of energy a lot quicker then I care to admit. My Dr. tells me it’s normal because the cancer cells are attacking my good cells very quickly. It’s hard for me to wake up one day and say “Oh I’m going to take it easy from now on”… Not me, never will be me!

I have been praying for a miracle, before each surgery or procedure I have prayed for a miracle. Before each Dr. visit or exam I have prayed for a miracle. So far though that miracle hasn’t come. I think, how am I going to be a Mom to these 3 kids who rely on me so much. How am I going to be a good wife to my husband who wants to come home to a clean house and dinner on the table and cuddles on the couch. How am I going to let down the people that I volunteer for the things I help out with at my church? How will I let go of the reigns and be okay with it? The months that lay ahead of me are not looking very inviting!

Then I was reminded that I am not doing this alone, we are not doing this alone! Philippians 4:13 says, I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

When the anxiety of it all gets to be way to much for me to bear, I think of the verse, 2 Timothy 1:7 that says The Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

When I worry about finances, I think of all of the AMAZING blessings from friends and families and I believe God is reminding me that He will always provide for us! Philippians 4:19, And my God will provide all your needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus.

Part of me is exhausted just thinking about the upcoming months…..but I am reminded, Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

As weary as I am also somewhat looking forward to it all because isn’t this what life is all about? Ups and downs, the good times and the not so good times? I’m not so sure what our family is about to go through, but I am sure about one thing and that is God is in control!

He uses situations for our growth and His glory. The growth part usually hurts so very bad, but I need to keep trusting in Him that He knows exactly what He is doing and I can’t question this because He is in control!


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