that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Who is your Trust placed in?

on October 21, 2013

The fear that gripped me this morning was almost as bad as the feeling I felt when I was about to give birth… You men wouldn’t understand, but that moment they tell you “It’s time to push”… Yeah that fear! I have been dealing with a cold since Friday. Not something you want to have when going through everything else. This is one of those really snotty colds that make you dizzy and plug up your ears so you say Huh? a lot!! The past few nights have been interesting to say the least. Too many tubes to be comfortable then trying to suppress a cough all night so as to not disturb your hubby. Getting up 10 times to blow your nose behind the closed bathroom door. Again as to not disturb the hubby. It makes things for no sleep whatsoever.

This morning was the first day of radiation. I didn’t sleep at all. I got up this morning and the anxiety had taken over every part of my body to the point where I sat on the bathroom floor ready to throw up. Thank God I didn’t, but I almost wished I had just so I could have felt better!! My eyes were watering from sneezing, I had tissues shoved up my nose and I was popping cough drops like candy. My dear friend Kim called me and said the most beautiful prayer over me and off I went.

The palms of my hands were sweating like I was going on a bad first date. I checked in and sat down in the ladies waiting room. Yes they have a mans waiting room and a ladies. Kind of makes it nice so there are no awkward moments between men and women. As I looked around the room I saw papers and notes hanging everywhere. Cancer this and cancer that, radiation and rules and tell your Dr. this and that. It was loads of information. So much so I closed my eyes to block it out. My stomach started churning again and the fear tried so hard to come back. I finally opened my eyes and looked at the table beside me and out of all the magazines this is what was on top…





CHEER UP!!! Yes God I’m listening!! How many times has God so not very gently tried to get your attention? I’m pretty sure He was trying to get mine. All this morning I was only thinking about me, me, me. I wasn’t focusing on what I should have been which was putting faith in God to help me.


They called me back into the room and habit is drop your pants and get on the table. Classy I know. 😉 After about 1o minutes of moving me around they finally stepped out and told me they were beginning. The people are so sweet! They said they would be talking to me and listening to me through the speaker somewhere in the ceiling. I have 7 spots that they will radiate everyday. Once the radiation started it only took a little over 10 minutes. It seriously was not bad at all. Of course the amount of worrying I did all morning was so not worth the effort!

I know that I am human and God made emotions and feelings. I’m going to have fear and I’m going to worry. It’s human nature, but I have to take those gentle reminders that no matter what, I have to trust God! When going over the pet scan with the Dr. after radiation, she told me that my uterus is shaped a weird way which is rare. After her explanation it completely explains why I had 3 very bad labors. However other then bad child birth it is going to be a awesome asset to my anatomy because it is naturally protecting some of my organs from radiation. Where as other patients they have to work a lot harder to protect those organs. I looked at the Dr. (Who I don’t think believes in God) and said God knew exactly what He was doing. He formed me in this special way. He knew that this would be happening and He made me in a way that my body could handle and protect itself from this radiation. He is AMAZING!!

When I got home there was a wonderful basket full of goodies waiting on the front porch for me from my bunco group. Filled with love. It was pure love. Beside the basket was flowers, cookies and vitamin C drink packets to help boost my immune system from my dear friend Kim. I am loved you all! I can’t tell you how much the cards, gifts, flowers, food and prayers have meant to me. It is seriously what is keeping me encouraged. Encouragement is an amazing thing to feel! I actually look forward to the mail everyday now because the cards are pouring in. Stacks of them everyday. Half the people I don’t even know. They are friends of friends or friends of family members down the line. Regardless the encouragement has been incredible!! God is all over this and if anything through all of this I can speak to the hearts of others and maybe even my Dr.s heart, then this has truly been worth it!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path




One response to “Who is your Trust placed in?

  1. Lisa says:

    I have been praying for you all day ~~ glad to hear you are doing so well and God is making it ever so evident He has you in the palm of His hand through this!! 🙂

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