that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

One Month Thought Processs

on October 27, 2013

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This is me, one month ago. The same day I found out I had cancer. The kids were leaving with D for the night and I was saying bye in my little corner room. The hot tears that ran down my cheeks that night are the same ones that ran down last night.  I’m sure they will be the same tears that will continue to run down until this whole mess is over.

This week has by far been the worse through all of this. I have completed week 1 of chemo and radiation. It felt good until about Thursday. Since then it has been a struggle just to keep my eyes open, to make my stomach feel like I’m not going to throw up every 5 minutes and the fact that I have to make myself eat something. At this rate I might finally have that bikini body I have always wanted by next summer. 😉

I keep pushing myself to get up and try and continue life as normally as possible. I believe if I lay around I am only going to make myself feel worse. Doing dishes and cleaning, running errands and doing laundry is a whole lot slower, but I am getting it done. As my Dad used to say, “You can’t keep a good woman down for long” 😉

Everything that has happened this week has made me think a lot more of the road I have in front of me. Right now it looks really scary! It looks almost like I won’t be able to complete it. It looks bumpy and full of pot holes. I know that the chemo and radiation is going to make me feel worse as time goes on. I will continue apologizing for not being able to do things or not show up when I am needed somewhere. However I have to keep going, I have to grab the hand of a loved one or a dear friend and I have to go on. Those kids that were waving at their Mama through that window are depending on me to fight through this to be there for them. That good looking bearded man that I am married to is depending on me to continue being beside him through this walk of life. Giving up is not and option.

As crappy as I feel, I am getting to know others that come to radiation and chemo and I have to look at my situation and thank God that it is not as bad as some of the other situations that sit beside me day in and day out. God knows what He is doing and sometimes I have to shut my mouth and just say thank you Jesus that you have all of this in the palm of your hands. I am NOT alone through this and on the days that it seems that I am, I have to pray that God would show Himself real to me. I did not choose this path, but somehow God thought I could handle it so He chose me to walk through this journey. I can’t let Him down or anyone else down. I have to lift my chin and walk with pride that God loves me enough to give me tough challenges. It’s amazing how your faith can grow when in times of crisis.

My thoughts one month out is that this is scary, but I know God is walking beside me and will continue to do so until this is done!

 

Psalms 121  I look to the hills! Where will I find help?

It will come from the Lord, who created the heavens and the earth.

The Lord is your protector, and he won’t go to sleep or let you stumble.

The protector of Israel doesn’t doze     or ever get drowsy.

The Lord is your protector, there at your right side to shade you from the sun.

You won’t be harmed by the sun during the day or by the moon at night.

The Lord will protect you and keep you safe from all dangers.

The Lord will protect you now and always wherever you go.

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One response to “One Month Thought Processs

  1. Kim Collins says:

    You are an amazing, beautiful woman. Remember His strength is made perfect in our weakness. The scripture you posted is one that God put on my heart back in 1993 when I was really going through a rough time in my life. I found great comfort in knowing that God truly cares for us and is our protector. I am so proud of you and believe that your life, and this journey that you are on, is a true testimony touching so many lives. You may never fully know while you are on this earth yet one day you will know and God will say to you “well done my good and faithful servant”. I love you and am so happy to be called your friend. xoxo

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