that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Breathe…..

on November 10, 2013

I look through a cracked mirror everyday… I have been meaning to replace it, but it hasn’t been on the top of my priority list.

When I look in that mirror I feel so disconnected from who is looking back at me. Oh She’s cute and fun and always the life of the party… However right now I am not feeling so confident.

I feel like a different girl.

Nothing has happened. I’m wearing the same clothes, I still have the same wonderful circle of friends, I haven’t been smacked in the back of the head or anything. But my mind has turned against me and become my enemy.

There is a constant stream of lies flowing… about my body, my face, my future, my friends. You name it, the lie is crossing across the ticker of my mind.

Every woman deals with the questions of, Am I pretty enough, am I skinny enough, am I tall enough? So many questions and yet we never have received the answer.

I have always been the tall girl. Every class picture, every sports picture I have always been in the back middle. I have crazy, curly, thick hair and freckles that pepper my face during the summer. I have never considered myself beautiful, but I have settled with pretty. My hair has always been my thing though. My sisters have always been the beautiful ones in my eyes, but it feels so good when they tell me that I got the best hair. 😉 It makes me happy to be recognized for something of beauty.

This week I am facing a new chemo. The Dr. has decided not to give me the other one since it shut down my kidneys so fast. He warned me that this chemo will make me very sick and I will very quickly lose my hair. Like within 2 weeks…  At first I thought, it’s just hair, it will grow back. However the more I thought about it I really got upset. You see right now I don’t even feel pretty. I have tubes hanging out of my body, I can’t even take a proper shower, My skin is not looking very pretty with it’s red patches and breakouts from the medication. I don’t always shave my legs everyday anymore because it is a serious chore. I just don’t feel pretty, but when I fix my hair and put on a little makeup, I feel like I am almost there. The thought of losing what I think is the only pretty thing left on me is getting to me.

All these thoughts are lies from satan himself. I have to remember who I am, who loves me, what I’m worth, and how carefully God made me. There is a old song called, “Just Breathe”. When I think of all the unpretty things about myself, I sit still and I make myself take in a few good deep breaths because this is not forever and I know that even when I think I can’t deal anymore, God takes over for me till I can get my strength back.

I know some of you may think this is silly to get upset over losing hair, but it even says in the bible that a woman’s hair is her glory. This is a scary thing for me to face, but I will keep breathing. I have a long journey ahead of me and I won’t give up. Just because I’m fighting doesn’t mean I’m losing.

All that I know is I’m breathing.

All I can do is keep breathing.

 

 

 

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2 responses to “Breathe…..

  1. Cheryl says:

    We are all our own worst critic. I know this, but it still always surprises me when I find out that someone I’ve always thought of as beautiful, scratch that – gorgeous, doesn’t see it in themselves. I’m sorry I never told you I thought that of you, maybe it would have sounded creepy, or maybe I just thought people told you all the time. Either way, I should have told you; we all need to tell each other. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out!

    I understand what you’re saying about your hair, too. It’s a security blanket. I have trouble even getting it cut shorter than normal. Ok, I’ve been worse than that – I almost hyperventilated the time Gabi got her long hair cut short when she was in elementary school. It wasn’t even my hair. Now, I would gladly give up my hair if it would help you. Anyone with long hair should seriously consider donating it. Most salons will take it anytime, just tell them when you first walk in.
    On the brighter side, you get to try out many new styles and colors with all the amazing wigs they have available now.
    We are continuing to pray for you and the family. Sending tons of love from CA.

  2. Jenni and Brian says:

    Keep breathing! We love you and are praying…

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