that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Frustrated, but Thankful

on November 24, 2013

I love to write. There is a part of me that loves to put life into words and try to encourage others through my words. However tonight won’t be one of those times… Warning given. 😉

I will be honest, it has been rough these past couple of days. My blood count is still low after 2 blood transfusions and one iron infusion. I was given a bone marrow booster shot 2 days ago in hopes of bringing my levels up. If not then I will get yet another blood transfusion. I am thankful for those that donate blood and that it is available when I need it, but it is frustrating that I have to keep receiving someone else’s blood.

Yesterday I had to drive about an hour from my house to a hospital to meet what they call a Brachytherapy Dr. He is pretty much the only one in a 100 mile radius.

When my radiation Dr. explained to me that I would be having internal radiation and it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. She told me that if that didn’t work then I would have to be admitted to the hospital and go in the OR and have needles injected into me to receive radiation that way, but that would be the last resort… Well much to my surprise when I met the Dr yesterday that is exactly what he wants to do. He wants to admit me to the hospital for 2 days and if you want to stop reading now I am giving you a chance because this gets gross!

I will go in the OR and have implants and needles sewn inside me. I will be given a epidural that will last the entire 2 days I am admitted. A machine about 2 feet long will then be inserted and will stay there for the whole time. Then there will be a bigger machine that will implant little rice size pellets into me to carry the radiation. I will also have a square metal piece sewn on the outside of me to help guide all the machines…

Completely barbaric!! I have listened to what the Dr. has said and I have read as much as I can about it. I have decided that I will not do it. You all may think I am bowing out. That is not what I am doing. I will continue to fight through this with the best of my ability, but I can not and will not do that to myself. It is so bad that you can not have any type of relations for 6 + weeks after it is done because it screws you up that bad. I will be looking into other options and I know that is not what my Dr will want to hear come Monday when I meet with her. I can not believe that woman do this and they are ok with it.

After tossing and turning all night over this, I finally feel at peace over my decision. I know whatever God has in store will be ok for me. I don’t think this is part of His plan for me. I’m not sure who all reads this, but if you know of anyone that has gone through this procedure, I would love to hear from them!!

I try not to complain and I try to keep smiling through all of this, but I really have felt a lot of depression through these few days. I don’t understand where this is all coming from, but for the first time since all of this began, I actually feel like I am sick. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and relying heavily on feeling happiness as my whole family will be driving down here including my Daddy!! This will be the first time my family has been together in a few years. All my sisters and brother and spouses, nieces and nephews. I seriously can not wait to have everyone together. I’m praying that God will lift my spirits and we can all enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving together.

If I were to be thankful for one thing this year… Mom was the glue that held us together. When she passed it seemed we all kind of fell apart from each other. Sure we talked on occasion, but it wasn’t much. Since I found out I have cancer the relationship with my brother and sisters has been AMAZING!! We have come back together and it has made my heart so happy. If this is the only good thing that comes out of my sickness then it was worth every painful moment to have my family back together again! I am so very thankful for my family!!

I know this has been all over the place tonight, but sometimes I just need to lay out how I am feeling. Since Thanksgiving is coming up, I would love to hear what you are thankful for this year. It only takes a second to leave a comment in the comment section. Or if you are thankful for more then one thing, write it out. I would love to read it!

1 Chronicles 16:34  Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever

 

 

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2 responses to “Frustrated, but Thankful

  1. Carol says:

    Hey Sarah – thinking of you and always praying for you. Would your doctor be able to put you in touch with someone who HAS gone thru all this? Maybe that would give you more peace about it.
    Excited for you and a week of family togetherness! Enjoy!

  2. Nikki says:

    I think you are doing the right thing. This sucks big time. I understand drifting apart from the family, that happened to us after Daddy died. Some how even when they are gone they still seem to know what we need. I am thankful for my family as well. Keep your head held up God does have a plan.

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