that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Dissapointment at it’s Finest

on December 5, 2013

sad-dog

 

This face… It sort of matches mine today. I wish every post could be encouraging and uplifting, however I am human and it’s just not possible. Have you ever been disappointed? Maybe you didn’t get the gift you wanted or you got a bad grade on a test you studied so hard for? Maybe your kiddo let you down or your spouse let you down. There are so many avenues to experience disappointment. Some people may not take my disappointment seriously, but to me I cried a lot today over a tube. Yes you heard it, a tube.

You see for me disappointment is complex. I can deal with hurt and anger and even sadness, but disappointment can leave me at a loose end.  It seems to just hover all around me and it seems hard to shake that gloomy feeling even when you are trying to forget about whatever disappointed you in the first place.

Yesterday I had a nephrostogram to see if I could get the tube out of my kidney. The tumor has shrunk enough to let some fluid through, but it wasn’t gushing through the way the Dr’s want to see. They decided to cap it for 2 day to see how my body would respond and Thursday if everything went fine then out it comes. They put a side note on it for me though. The instructions were if I were to develop a fever or feel flank pain of any kind then I was to turn the port back on and let them know about it.

All day yesterday it felt great. I thought I can do this and really talked myself into doing this. Well this morning I felt a little pressure, but not really any pain. I had a MRI this morning that was to take 45 minutes, but ended up being 2 hours stuck in a tube. Not the best scenario for this claustrophobic girl. After 2 panic attacks it was done and I got in the truck to come home and felt a little more pain. I told myself it was just because my back was hurting after laying in the same position for 2 hours. To me everything is mental… bad habit to have when in fact I am in physical pain. By the time I got girly off the bus at 4pm I was having serious flank pain. ( I hate that word flank… really makes me think of a side of meat!)

I decided to listen to my body and turned the port back on and that bag filled up half way. I know gross, but the truth is that it just isn’t ready to come out. I had to call the Dr and they cancelled the follow up for tomorrow and I am stuck with this thing for another month. I came inside after hanging up and just cried in my husbands chest as he wrapped his arms around me. It was pure disappointment. That fog wrapped itself around me so thick that I just felt numb. Like I said some of you may think I shouldn’t get so worked up over a tube. Let me explain that through this whole journey of cancer, this tube has been the worst pain I have had. It has been pulled at, bled, replaced, the skin on my back has been raw and bled with scabs from all the tape that holds in the tube and constantly irritates my back. It has been slightly infected and I hate to say it, but nothing says hey sexy lady like a pee bag hanging out of you. It doesn’t make me feel real good about myself. So yeah it’s kind of a big deal to me.

I’m just getting tired and some of the fight has gone and I just feel worn down now. I did get my picc line out which was wonderful, but I still have a long road ahead of me. We have to wait for the results of the MRI to come back to figure out what the next step will be in my treatment. That makes me nervous because I am a planner and right now I have no control of what will happen next. Chemo and radiation are done and I don’t know where to go now. Everything just seems to be up in the air right now.

I know God has everything under control and I will admit it’s even hard for me to hand Him the reigns as I want control, but it’s not for me to control. I would be a wreck if I was doing everything myself. I know in His time, He will show his glory through all of this! I pray I can be His vessel to use me for His greater.

Do you experience disappointment? Always remember God sees you and if you ask He can fix it.

 

Romans 5:3-5
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”

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