that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

When My Plan isn’t His plan

on December 14, 2013

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Do you ever plan something and then all goes wrong? I am a planner, I needed to know the sex of our babies before they were born because I had to plan the nursery. I have a calendar that I plan weeks in advance so I know our family schedule down to the hour. I leave early for everything because I plan ahead for any traffic or things that might get in my way. I have to have everything planned out. Well I thought I had my cancer planned out. I would do treatments and chemo and follow the Dr.’s advice and I would get better. I have done all of this and I won’t lie some of it was extremely painful, but I did it because I knew it was part of my plan to get better.

Last Wednesday I had an MRI to see where the tumor was after all that treatment. I was praying for massive amounts of shrinkage. I was sure that they would look at me and tell me it was a Christmas miracle! Ok maybe not that extreme, but a good amount of shrinkage. Well don’t you know that the Dr told me it hasn’t shrunk that much at all. Have you ever seen a huge balloon that had been popped and it flies around the room deflating? Yeah that was me. I felt as though someone knocked the wind right out of my sails. I was so sure that it would have shrunk a lot more after going through everything I did. Not my plan…

After looking into loads of options for me I was presented with the brachytherapy option again. Look back a few blogs and you can read about it and why I was so dead set against it. I told the Dr I absolutely did not want to do that. She told me she would research other options and call me back. When she called back I was presented with this statement, “Sarah, if you don’t do this you will die”… Well, that was not what I wanted to hear. I am young, I have 3 kids and a good looking bearded man that depend on me. BUT I did not want to do that brachytherapy!! I have heard nothing positive about this procedure. I have read every horror story you can imagine from this procedure. Even the Dr himself said it’s brutal and woman do not sign up to do this, but in order to save their lives they do it. Not my plan…

I will not lie, I am angry! I have questioned God a million times. Thousands of prayers that people from every corner of the country have been sent up for me. I know God hears them, but I questioned why He hasn’t fixed this. Why He wants me to go through this kind of pain. I simply do not understand the path He is taking me on. It wasn’t until Thursday night when I got my answer.

I have heard and read the story of Jesus my entire life. I have seen every play and read every verse of him dying on the cross for us. Thursday night my sweet hubby bought us tickets to go the The Story Tour. If you haven’t heard of it, look it up. It was amazing!! What it is, is major Christian artist sing the bible from Genesis to Revelation while the big screen behind them portrays everything in video form. During the part where Jesus dies on the cross, I stared at the screen and couldn’t take my eyes off of it. God allowed His son to endure pain so great that we could never fathom. He allowed it so that our sins could be forgiven. He had a greater purpose for what followed the pain.

I felt that everything I have planned was out the window. God has a greater purpose for me when all of this is done. I don’t know what that is as it’s not my plans anymore, but His.

I have to go through this brachytherapy, I don’t have a choice because I want to live, I want to follow His plan. I have something great waiting for me on the other side of this. I know it will be painful and I know I will cry a lot and beg Him to make it go away. I know I will be depressed and go in my shell and push people away because it’s what I do when I am hurting. BUT that’s my plan, God could completely make me not feel a thing and give me a sense of peace and joy in my heart and completely heal me after this. I’m not sure, what will happen. I do know that I need your prayers for this. Prayers for the fear to go away, prayer for the peace in my heart and prayers for healing in my body, mind, soul and spirit. And prayers to follow His plan and not mine!

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

 

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4 responses to “When My Plan isn’t His plan

  1. Cheryl says:

    Wow! I’m so grateful for how transparent you are as you endure this journey. I’m thankful for the constant reminders of God’s glory and His ultimate power. The whole “planning” thing is something I, too, struggle with. Thank you for, again, putting things in perspective. God’s plan is the best, therefore the only plan we should ever consider. I just wish obedience was easier. Thank you for being a shining example of obedience (regardless of whether you wanted to be originally or not). We continue to pray for you everyday, as does our church.

  2. Judy Englert says:

    So sorry to hear you have to go through this. We will be praying for you as you walk this path to healing.

  3. lkmomma says:

    You are the bravest person I know. The Lord will lift you up and hold you through this. Be brave and keep your faith. You got this! Lots of prayers for you and the family.

  4. Wendy says:

    I love your honesty. I got tears reading this, not only for the pain that you will endure, but the beauty of Christ shining through you. You are amazing. I love you & miss your sweet smile. Praying for HIS plan to consume you with an uncontainable JOY!!

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