that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Why I can’t be Happy… Or can I?

on December 18, 2013



The old farm house we grew up in had a large circle driveway. It wasn’t paved just had gravel. Every time it would rain the bottom of that circle would fill up into 2 huge mud puddles. As long as it wasn’t thundering or lightening our sweet mama would let us put on our bathing suits and go out and play in it. One particular rainy day my sister Becky and I decided to go out and play and give ourselves a mud bath. I can only describe it as pure joy! We laughed so much, threw mud and made little towns and tracks with the mud. We had the best time playing in that mud!

When we were done we went to go inside. Little did we know mama had just got done mopping the kitchen floor. We made little muddy foot prints from the front door all the way upstairs laughing the whole way. That’s when we heard it… Yup the noise that only a hard working Mother can make. It’s sort of a mix between a wail and a scream. Suddenly that joy was gone, we knew we were in trouble! After cleaning ourselves up and changing we had a mop waiting for us down stairs.

Have you ever had your joy quickly removed? I feel like I did that day when Mom screamed. Lately the joy just isn’t there. Maybe it’s the cold weather, maybe it’s the fact that I have cancer or facing a surgery I simply do not want. I’m not sure what it is, but the joy is gone. I’m not really laughing at much and I want to be alone. It’s a bit scary as I have always been the life of the party. My Mother named me Sarah after Sarah in the bible because she knew I would laugh a lot. And I do or at least I did. I laugh at everything and try my best to get others laughing. This is a whole new world I am experiencing. I don’t like this feeling and the worst part is I don’t know how to fix it.

This should be the happy season, the time when friends and family gather and enjoy being with each other. For me I just want to be alone. I don’t want to talk on the phone or return text. I feel bad because friends and family want to talk to me and check in on me, but I’m just tired of talking about cancer and treatments and repeating my schedule over and over. I know that sounds selfish and terrible because they care and I am so thankful they care. Believe me I don’t want to feel this way.

I know things won’t ever be like they were before cancer, but I want to feel like I did then. I want people to enjoy just being around me and not look at me with pity or cry for me. I just want people to want to hang out and have fun. Some friends won’t even hug me any more. Not sure if they feel they will catch it or not, but it hurts. I’m not real sure where I am going with all of this tonight, but it feels better when I can just get it out of my head. I want to try harder to enjoy Christmas. I don’t want to feel the stress of making everyone happy with gifts or fighting traffic to make it to every party or get together. I want to feel God’s peace and the love of family and friends.

My surgery for the brachytherapy has been scheduled for January 2nd. I have about 2 weeks to try and relax and enjoy the holidays. If you are facing challenges in your life that is making you feel the way I am feeling can I pray for you? Can I ask you to pray for me? Christmas can be hard for so many people. Whether you have lost a family member or a job, maybe you just feel depressed from not being able to afford gifts for your family. Whatever it is, know that you are not alone. I know that God is with me and He is helping me. I just need to let go of the things I can’t control and let God take over.  Can we bring joy back to our lives?

1 Peter 5:7  Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you


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