that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Feeling any Love?

on December 22, 2013


He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not… I stood picking the petals one by one. By the time I got down to the last few petals, I realized what the outcome would be. Crap, not the outcome I wanted. I started again until I got the answer I wanted, which of course was He loves me!!

I know without any hesitation that God loves me. I have known this my entire life, even through the “not so Godly years”… That’s a whole other blog. 😉

Lately I have been feeling not so loved. This is a war that is happening in me, My mind knows that He loves me, but my heart is telling me something else. If He loves me then why is He allowing me to go through this? My heart is hardening and not allowing me to receive the love He so freely gives.

I picture God’s love as a bountiful banquet table, but often I am not at the table. I am crouching by the floor hesitantly collecting the crumbs of love as they drop to the floor. I just don’t think I am that lovable to actually sit at the table. How many times have we thought of ourselves as unworthy? How many times do we separate ourselves by choice? God loves me so much and wants me to sit at His table, but I am pushing away because I am in pain and I am angry that I have to go through all of this. I want to accept His love, but I don’t feel like I deserve His love. Somehow I am comfortable sitting on the floors picking up the crumbs.

I somehow forgot that He chose me. Even though I am going through this fierce battle that rages through my heart, mind and body, He chose me.

I often feel like I am on the outside looking in. I feel like I cannot enter in to His love for me. I can accept the fact that He gave His life for me, but being worthy of all His love offers is something I have battled with.  I see Him pouring His love on His other children, but I feel left out wondering and questioning when is He going to pour His love on me?

He never promised life would be fair, He never promised rainbows and unicorns through every turn of the road. He DID promise that regardless of what we go through we will never go through it alone. He knew that I would question this, I am human and humans questions everything. Especially when we feel so alone and left out of a love that He so desperately wants to share with us. I know that even though I feel angry, even though I feel left out right now and even though I think I am all alone in this journey, He LOVES me!!

Where are you tonight? Are you sitting on the floor gathering crumbs because you think that God could never love someone like you? Regardless of what you are going through, what you have done and what you are doing now, He still loves you and wants you to feast at His table. He loves you no strings attached! Accept His love, He has plenty to give!

He love me, He loves me not, He LOVES me!!

Zephaniah 3:17  The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you


One response to “Feeling any Love?

  1. MelissaMyers says:

    Preach sister..
    I needed to be reminded how much he loves me even though I find myself unworthy

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