that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

My Scared Thoughts

on December 29, 2013

The lights are off the house, the tree is back in the box, baby Jesus has been carefully wrapped back up in the manger and put back in the box. It doesn’t even look like Christmas has been here. We usually keep everything up till after the new year, but with surgery coming up next week, I figured today was the best day to get everything in order.

The kids were sad when everything was put away. They said, Mom it looks so sad and empty in here now. That is so true. We build up the anticipation for Christmas so much. Months in advance we shop and decorate then come Christmas morning it’s all over within 10 minutes. Paper and bows are flying every which way. The screams of happiness and hugs. We even hear, Your the best parents in the world… 😉 It all ends so quick though and as the kids run off to play with the new toys, the parents just kind of sit back and sigh.  It’s the truth huh?

This Christmas was different for me. It’s the first time that I truly savored every moment. The thought is in the back of my head constantly. The thought of is this going to be my last Christmas? Is this going to be the last time I see our kiddos squeal in delight as they open gifts? Will this be the last Christmas eve service I go to? The thoughts go on and on and the answers aren’t there. This surgery next week is what the Dr’s are calling my last option. I hate those words… Last option is not what anyone wants to hear at any time.

It has been one month since chemo and radiation stopped. I know without a doubt that my tumor is rapidly growing. I won’t go into detail on here on how I know, but I know. The pain has come back full force and God and I talk a lot! I am praying that this last resort is going to work. I want to grow old with my amazing hubby. I want to see our kids graduate and get married. I want to hold our grandchildren and rock them in my rocking chair. All these hopes and dreams for my future and somehow I can’t get past next week.

I will be honest with you, I am angry! When no one is around I scream, yell and cry! I ask God questions and beg Him to heal me and yet nothing I do or say is making a difference. However I am not giving up. I am not giving up on God, or His plans for my future. I love the old hymn from when I was a kid that says,

Many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand…

I will never understand what my future holds, but I know I have given my life to God and He wants great things for me. If that includes dying and going to Heaven then I have to be okay with that knowing that is what God has in store for me. If all goes well and I get to enjoy years with my family, I will never take things for granted anymore. Those disagreements over the petty things with my hubby, the phone calls from my Daddy that always seem to come at inconvenient times and even when the kiddos want to sit on my lap when I am in the middle of something. My kids won’t always want to be near me or sit on my lap because they will eventually grow up. Those phone calls from my Dad will eventually end as he is getting up in years. So many things we take for granted on a daily basis.

Life is so very fragile and cannot be taken for granted. God has plans for each and every one of us. He formed us in our Mothers womb and knows how many hairs we have on our heads. None of us know what our futures hold. We can plan and plan our future and what we want to do, but it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.

Just because I put baby Jesus back up in the attic does not mean He is away. He is in my heart and He is holding me through all of this. I can’t give in to my fears, I can’t allow the bad thoughts to fog my head. I have to live day to day and enjoy every moment I have with the beautiful family that God gave me.

How are you going to live this year. Will you continue with the same as you have been? How about trying to change things up and find out what God has in store for your future? Life as a Christian isn’t easier, but if you end up in a situation as I am in at least you know where you will spend eternity.

If I am not on here before the New Year, I pray that you have a safe and blessed New Year. Please pray for me Jan 2nd that all goes smoothly and that this will work. God bless you all!!

Psalms 30:5 For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning



2 responses to “My Scared Thoughts

  1. Kelli Williams says:

    I will keep praying for you Sarah. I will be praying for you throughout the day of your surgery.

  2. Brandi Smeltzer says:

    #tears…sending many prayers and tons of love your way xoxo

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