that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

STOP!!!

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When Darin and I were Christmas shopping, Darin decided that each boy needed a behind the door basketball set. This isn’t your standard set. This counts your points and has a speaker that cheers you on, breakaway rim, the works! Jax and Caleb absolutely LOVED them and set them up right away.

Mind you our home was built in the 60’s when I am assuming they didn’t use much insulation to deaden sound. Day after day since Christmas I hear them jumping and running and every time the ball hits the door it clangs and I’m pretty sure our chandelier in the dining room has lowered itself at least 2 inches from them jumping.

I certainly don’t mind our kids having fun, but my blessed nerves have just about reached the point of no return from the jumping and the banging! Tuesday night into Wednesday we ended up with almost a foot of snow. Craziness at the beach since we just aren’t used to this kind of action from the sky. School has been cancelled Wednesday and Thursday and we just got the phone call that they will be off again tomorrow…

Since the kids have had excessive amount of time inside, the basketball banging and jumping has increased 10x the amount that I want to hear. Yesterday Darin and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and they were so loud we couldn’t even hear the TV. We both yelled up at the same time, STOP!! Not sure how your kids react when you yell, but the usual answer from ours is, Huh? Were you talking to me?…

I thought about it and realized how much I am like our kids. How many times do I do things that more than likely leave God shaking His head and He gently tries to nudge me away from the bad things I might be doing and when I keep on and keep on He eventually has to yell, STOP!!!

We run a bible study group in our home and the series we are working on is off a book called, “Not a Fan”. I HIGHLY recommend it if you like to read. Anyway there is a journal that goes with it and each day it gives you thoughts to think on and challenges to do. Yesterday the challenge really made me think. It said what if God was in human form and spent the entire day with you. Would you do things differently or act differently? Would you take Him around your normal friends and would you talk the same way you normally did.

I sat and evaluated my life the way it is right now. I thought if God was with me for the day, how many times would He have had to say STOP to me? I may not be out visiting the bars and taking drugs or even killing someone, but I still sin. Our pastor once said a sin is a sin, there is not one worse then the other. Whether it’s a little white lie or you murdered someone, it’s still a sin. We all sin and God is trying to say STOP what you are doing and follow me. I’m doing my best to follow Him and at the same time be a witness to someone else, by the way I live my life.

God wants us to jump around and have fun just like we want our boys to have fun, but that time will come when He has to yell STOP and we can’t say huh? Are you talking to me? We have to say Yes Lord, I am listening.

Believe me, through this journey of having cancer, I haven’t always felt like a Christian. I yell at God and question Him. I think bad thoughts against certain Dr.s that haven’t treated me right, I have taken my pain out on my husband and kids. Even today I got upset with Darin because I was in pain and he wanted to do donuts in the church parking lot and it scared the bejebees out of me. I was upset with God because I feel like I am constantly begging Him to heal me. At this point I’m not even asking for total healing. I am just asking Him to heal the little things that compound and make me feel terrible. I have heard God say Stop to me a lot lately. Stop with my anger, stop with my attitude and stop blaming others for my pain.

I have a long road ahead of me and if I don’t have a better attitude about it then I don’t believe that God will bless me or help me. You all may see a strong woman, but behind the closed door of our home, I am a complete wimp and cry more then I want to admit. If God were with me all day long in human form I would want to be a much better person that what I have been.

What about you? If God was with you all day long, how many times would He have to say stop to you?

(Right now one of them is upstairs playing the recorder… Worst instrument ever invented! That is a whole other blog) 😉

Luke 9:23   Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me

 

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Whiter then Snow

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I put on my uniform, kissed Mom goodbye and left for work. I was a security guard for Dupont in WV and was headed for the midnight shift. It had snowed the night before and the roads were slick so I drove my little Mustang slowly down the lane and out to the main road. After less then a minute on the road I felt myself start to slide, I tried desperately to remember what Dad had taught me to do when you start to slide. I held tight to the wheel and the spin started… One, two, three, 8, 9, 10… Would it ever stop spinning? I had lost all control and knew there was nothing else I could do, but wait… and scream as loud as I could! Finally I came to a side splitting stop onto the only tree on the road. I tried to brace myself as I heard my head shatter the side window. The steering wheel crashed down and I was wedged into the seat and couldn’t move.

I must had been knocked out for a few minutes and when I came too, it was eerily quiet. I looked around and felt warm blood running down the side of my face. I remember it had started to snow again and the hood of my car was already starting to turn white. The tracks on the road had already started to be covered up with the snow. I started screaming for help. I was near homes, but there were only a few and I knew 2 of them no one lived in. I screamed till I lost my voice. Finally I heard someone, I looked at the houses, but no one was there. I looked on the other side and realized that if that tree had not been there I would have landed 50 ft onto some railroad tracks. Across the tracks on the other side of the hill a man stood yelling that he had called for help. Within minutes an ambulance was there and a fire truck. They had started to cut me out of the car and soon I was in a neck brace and a back board being carried to the waiting stretcher. The good thing about living in a small town is someone had recognized my car and had called my parents.

I remember Mom taking off my glasses and crying telling me it was going to be okay. I don’t remember much after that, but I do remember I have hated snow since that day. I was so glad when we moved to the beach because it only snows once in a blue moon here and I don’t have to deal with driving in it.

Last year it snowed and within a day everything was brown and ugly. Peoples vehicles were covered in salt and sand and kids had made tracks through all the yards and frankly everything was ugly! That night the kids looked out the window and yelled, “It’s snowing again!!” They were so excited and Darin and I just looked at each other and groaned. We decided to get our gear on and go for a night time snow walk. As we walked I watched… I watched the snow cover the roads and cover all that yucky brown and cover the vehicles and all the foot prints the kids had made in the snow.

As I walked last year in the snow I saw how the fresh snow had transformed everything around me. I was covered in snow and felt the flakes fall on my lashes. I closed my eyes and felt everything around me and knew that God is making all things new. I have been in a lot of pain lately and I have been praying without stopping! God has gotten an earful from me and it always hasn’t been about praising Him or thanking Him. I questioned Darin last night, that what if God gave me cancer to get back at me for things I did years ago. ( Stupid question I know) However when you are in pain, you get desperate for any kind of answer. God put that thought of the snow in my head and I remembered that He made all things new. Just like I watched the snow transform my surroundings right in front of me, God transformed my life and He doesn’t get us back for our sins. He forgave me a long time ago.

I don’t know when God will help me or even heal me, but I have to be patient and wait on Him. I am waiting for Him to make me new. Whether that would be here on earth or maybe I won’t be made new until I get to Heaven. Either way I know that He will make me new.

Do you have a lot of dirt and ugliness in your life right now? Do you know that God can make you like new again? Those stains can be washed away and you will feel fresh and new again. God forgives everything!

Psalm 51:7 “wash me and I will be whiter than snow

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Thankful

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How do you thank someone that has given so much of themselves for you?

September 27th sitting on the bed at the ER, we had just received the news that I had advanced stage cancer. We cried.. a lot and didn’t know who to call or what to do. We were in shock and scared. We called our family on both sides and they cried with us. When we called Darin’s parents they cried and said we are on our way. They live in Iowa and I knew that would be such a long drive for them, but they insisted and within a few days they were here with us.

Those first few weeks were a blur of Dr.s, surgeries, appointments and so much more. Instantly they stepped in, taking care of the kids, picking them up from the bus stop and dropping them off at school, doing the dishes, cooking meals, praying for me and crying with me. They stayed for 2 weeks and then made the decision to go back home and winterize there home and come back to spend the winter with us. Everything fell into place as a dear friend of ours found a home for them to stay in that was only 2 minutes away from our home. They started attending our church with us and I can’t lie for the first time in our married life we had family living near us and it felt great!

When I was little some of my greatest memories were spending the night with my Grandma. I always wished our kids had that experience and for the past 3 months they were able to do that. They had sleepovers with Grandma and Grandpa and they played games with them and took them to the movies or out to dinner. I know it’s memories our kids will never forget.

Through all the hospital stays I never worried once about the kids because I knew they were the best of care with their grandparents. These past couple of months was exactly what I needed. The past 15 years have only been small visits here and there and not much of a chance to get to know each other. These past few months have been wonderful because I have built a relationship with my in-laws that I honestly don’t think I would have ever had the chance to have if it had not been for me having cancer. Finally getting to know them and build that relationship has been amazing in so many ways. Not only for me, but for the kids to really get to know and spend time with them.

Tonight was the last night that we got to spend with them as tomorrow they will be on the road back to Iowa. We cried with each other and prayed for safe travels for them and then they were gone. I can’t tell you the amount of times I wished my sweet Mother had been alive to be here with me and hold me through those tough days. However Kathi was here and she held me, prayed with me and let me cry on her. God knew exactly what I needed and she was here to help.

I wish I had a million dollars to thank them and try to pay them back for all they sacrificed this winter to help us, but I don’t and other then a million thank you’s I don’t know what else to say or do.

I hate cancer and what it has done to me, but it has also brought me closer to God, a better relationship with my brother and sisters and a wonderful relationship with my in-laws. If I have to go through pain in order for those things to have happened then I will honestly tell you it was worth it. My heart is happy and so many things have been put to peace in my soul. Only God knows how to take the bad and turn it into good.

Tonight as some tears still fall knowing that we might not see them for a while, I want to publicly thank Paul and Kathi for everything that you have done for us this winter. Your love and prayers have changed us for the better! I pray for a safe trip back home and that it isn’t to long before we can be together again, hopefully in celebration of healing! I love you both!

 

Ephesians 1:16   I have not stopped giving thanks for you,
remembering you in my prayers.

 

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My Daddy’s Hands

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I still call my Dad, my Daddy. It doesn’t matter how old I get whenever I call him or he calls me it’s always, “hey Daddy, how are you?” Some people think it’s weird that I still call him Daddy, but it will never change. I am a Daddy’s girl and I always will be. Growing up he would take turns taking each of us kids on dates to a restaurant and then he would let us pick out a toy from the local five and dime store. It was what I looked forward to all the time. Being the baby of 5 it was hard to get one on one time with our parents, but those dates meant I had 2 hours with my Daddy that I didn’t have to share with anyone else.

When we would sit in his old pickup he would turn on his oldies and we would sing together and he would reach over and hold my hand. He had and still has the biggest hands I have ever held. They were rock hard from all the calluses. He was a very hard working man and those hands proved it. I always felt like my hand was so small in his, but holding them they made me feel so safe like no one could ever hurt me.

Two years ago we went up north to spend some time with Dad and we took him to the parade that was a tradition that he took us to growing up. As we sat there watching the cars, fire trucks and floats go by Daddy reached over and held my hand and even as an adult my hand got lost in his. The picture I put with this blog is when he did that. I took my camera and snapped a quick picture because I always wanted to remember that feeling of my hand in his. That safe feeling that I get knowing that no one could hurt me when my Daddy is with me.

As I have gone through this cancer journey I have wished so many times that Daddy lived close so I could just hold his hand and feel that comfort and safety. I may not have my physical Daddy with me, but I have my spiritual Daddy with me. God is my heavenly Father and I know He is holding my hand and I have nothing to fear as long as He is close and holding my hand. This week has been a tough week. The pain at times has been almost unbearable. I still have not healed from the surgery and I lay in bed or sit on the couch and I just cry because I don’t know what to do. My body has gotten used to the pain meds so they are not working.

I cry out to God to just help me, to just take some of the pain away. I ask Him where is He and does He hear my cry? Last night I was up till about 2am. I always keep my window open on my side of the bed because I have to have fresh air. I laid there and could hear the snow falling. It was such a quiet night and so bright because of the cloud cover. I laid there and was trying to control my mind and not let myself get out of control. I felt alone and desperate for God to help take away the pain. I thought again of my Daddy and those big hands and wished I could just hold his hand. At that moment while my husband slept beside me, he reached over and held me hand. I looked at him and he was fast asleep.

Instantly I felt that inner voice that said, I am here. God was reminding me that I am not alone. Within 5 minutes I was fast asleep. I know that God is with me, I know He is holding my hand through this. It will not be my timing, but in God’s timing He is going to do something big!! I have to walk through this painful valley to get to the top of the mountain. I may struggle for months or even years, but I know that God is not leaving me. I may only see one set of footprints in that sand for quite some time, but I have no doubt who is carrying me through this storm.

Who is holding your hand tonight? Do you feel safe? Do you feel comforted? What valley are you going through right now? Do you know that you don’t have to go through it alone? God is there, all you have to do is call out His name and you never have to be alone.

Psalms 23  The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

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I’m a Liar….

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I got your attention, huh? Well I have to admit, I have been lying non stop for quite some time and I believe it’s time to come clean…

How many times has someone ask you, “How are you?” What is the standard answer? “I’m fine”.

Every day I either have someone text me or call me and every Sunday when I go to church I have been asked a hundred times, How are you Sarah? Well I have been lying. I give the standard answer of I’m fine. I’m sorry for lying, but I honestly think no one wants to sit and really listen about how I really feel. Guess what, I’m not fine! Some days every blessed part of my body hurts, other days it might just be a bit of depression from all this and other days it might have taken everything I have to just get out of bed. I can assure you I have not been “fine” in a very. long. time!

I do the same thing though. I ask people how they are doing and some of these people look like they are truly hurting or they are going through a very rough time. Whether it’s someone I know or the checkout person at the market. When I hear “just fine” I feel like it’s a missed opportunity to truly help someone. It’s an instant ending to a conversation.

How many times do we box ourselves in with an cookie cutter answer instead of helping someone else or giving someone the opportunity to help us. I think that is part of the trouble in today’s society. We don’t open ourselves to each other anymore and we live in our “just fine” worlds of loneliness and doubt. What will it take for us to realize that we need to feel that release of the hurt and anger that we hold in just because we don’t think someone cares enough to truly listen.

I am at fault on both ends of this. I throw that just fine line around more then I should and I also don’t take the time to stop and listen to the person that might need to talk.

I’m not sure when I will feel “fine” again, it could be months or years. I pray though that God will soften my heart to listen and help the person who is hurting and needs someone to listen to their story. Because not to many people are just fine these days. It’s ok to be un-fine. We are all hurting in some way. Next time someone ask you, “How are you doing”, make sure you take that opportunity to open yourself to someone. If they are truly a friend they will take the time to listen. It’s time to be brave!

James 1:19   Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger

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God’s Plan’s and a Teenager??

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I was never going to have kids. Of course as a little girl I wanted them and would play house with my sister Becky. However as I got older and saw the stress that my parents were under by dealing with all of us kids I decided I didn’t want kids. I would babysit, but as long as could give them back then all was good. 😉

After I met my sweet hubby and we got married we agreed that we wanted kids. After trying for what seemed like an eternity we found out we were having a baby! The day that beautiful little chubby cheek baby girl was placed in my arms, my life changed. The love I felt was something I had never felt before. I was a Mom and the love between my husband and I had made this perfect beautiful little human being. We named her Montana Rose and she was ours. This weekend that sweet little girl turns 13. I can’t believe we will have a teenager and I honestly can’t be more proud of what a beautiful young woman she has turned into.

Yesterday I had a Dr. appointment and he told me that he doesn’t think I can beat this thing. He is not positive that the surgery worked and said more than likely I will have to have a picc line put back in and start chemo and radiation again to prolong things… I stayed quiet on the ride home as so many different thoughts were roaming around my head. I went upstairs and started to rearrange Montana’s room as part of her birthday gift was a new piece of furniture and a few other teenage room things. Darin came up to bring me some water and I lost it. I cried on his shoulder and told him this was not the way it was supposed to be. I want to grow old with him and watch our beautiful children grow up. I want to celebrate weddings with our kids and hold our future grandkids. This was not my plan.

You know what? Medicine is still a practice. God has the final say so in my life and no Dr can change that no matter how hard they try. I refuse to allow this news to bring me down when we haven’t even gotten back the test results from the surgery.

Until then I am going to enjoy celebrating my sweet Montana’s birthday this weekend and hopefully I will celebrate her 16th and 20th and many more after that. God has a plan for my life and just like the verse says, plans not to harm me, but to give me hope. Thank you Jesus for whatever your plans are for my life and give me the courage to accept what they are!

Happy Birthday Montana Rose!!

 

Jeremiah 29:11   For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope

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My Peace

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I remember as a kid we would drive over the bridge from Falling Waters, WV  into Hagerstown, MD. I would have my nose pressed against the window and I would say look Daddy, look Mommy, it’s the ocean!!! It was the Potomac River… No lie I thought that was it. 😉 I remember coming back from summer breaks and the teacher would ask us all to say one special thing that we did over the summer. Most of the class would talk about there vacations to one beach or the other. Mine usually consisted of fishing and hanging out with all my friends. We never went to the beach. We didn’t have the money for vacations each summer. Although my Mom and Dad worked hard, it was also hard raising all of us kids and paying for school, sports and so many more activities. The one and only vacation I can remember was to Dutch Wonderland in PA. Then on to visit the amish life in Lancaster. To me it was awesome!

The night that Darin and I met I told him I had never seen the ocean before. He laughed because he thought I was joking. I told him I was dead serious and he told me lets go now… Yeah not kind of knowing someone then going on a trip the first night you meet… Kinda creepy. 😉 However by the beginning of the next month our trip was planned for a weekend in Virginia Beach. When we got there it was really early in the morning and we sat on the boardwalk to wait. The sun started to peak up over the waters and I stopped breathing. It was the most amazing, glorious, beautiful thing I fell in love with. I just sat and stared. The seagulls flew all around us and the sound of the waves were music to me. One I had never heard before. Sure I had seen pictures and heard stories, but until you stand on that shore for the first time and see this masterpiece that God has created, then and only then did it become so real to me.

Little did I know that about a year later I would be moving to Virginia beach. Since then I have become a true to life beach bum. We have what we call “Our Spot” along the bay right by the base of the Bay Bridge tunnel. We swim, we relax, we fish, we have picnics and evening walks. This may sound strange to some, but I feel God there. It’s a place where I can breath, I feel peace. I sit in my chair, close my eyes and hear the laughter of my kids running around me and jumping in the water, I feel my husbands hand in mine as we are relaxing together. We laugh as the kids chase the seagulls away from our picnic lunch. This has become our life. One that I truly can’t complain about.

I have wanted to go to the beach so bad through this sickness, but it has been to cold and frankly I do not have the energy to walk to our spot. I know that it’s something I need to try and do soon though as I need to feel that peace. Today when I woke up I wasn’t feeling to great and I thought about the beach and wanting to go so bad. When I look out my bedroom window in our 2 story house I can see my neighbors one story roof. As I lay there for a few minutes trying to muster up the energy to get up, I heard some chirping and a little squawking. I sat up a little and looked out the window and there on my neighbors roof sat 3 seagulls. I truly believe God put them there for me, to encourage me. He knows my love of the beach and he knows that seeing things such as these seagulls will remind me that “our spot” is still there and I believe He will help me get back there soon! I watched those birds and smiled until they flew off. SO many hate seagulls as they are the bottom feeders of the bird world, but I think they are beautiful and when in flight are breathtaking.

We can’t and won’t always have things in life go our way, but it is so wonderful to know a God that will bring little reminders in our day to day life to remind us that he loves us. I will get my strength back and I will get back to “our spot” and I will sit in my chair and listen for the laughter of our kiddos loving life and enjoying the simpler things!

What gentle reminders has God shown you lately?

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

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Put up your Dukes!!

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One of my best friends in elementary school was Nikki U. We spent many nights at each others houses, played sports together and pretty much spent a lot of time with each other. One particular sunny day my Mama and her Grandma were helping out at the school yard sale. Her Grandma’s car was parked in the grass near the tables and Nikki and I thought it would be a hoot to slide down the front of the windshield on our bellies and down the front hood to the ground. It was all fun and games until of course you guessed it, I got hurt. Somehow my shin got caught on the license and tore my leg wide open and quite deep.

I ran over to my Mama and she was helping someone out and I said Mommy, Mommy I need help. She didn’t look at me and said hold on honey. It wasn’t until I looked down and saw the amount of blood running down my leg that I screamed at the top of my lungs to get her attention. She looked at me and quickly grabbed a shirt off the table to wrap around my leg. (I still remember it being a really awesome bright yellow Cabbage Patch Doll shirt which I sported after she got all the blood stains out. 😉 )

She rushed me to the hospital and I ended up with 11 stitches in my shin. I thought it was pretty awesome as it was the perfect shaped V. Back in the 80’s everyone was watching the latest and greatest show called “The Visitor’s”. When I went back to school all the kids thought I was branded by “The Visitors” and let’s just say I felt pretty cool for awhile with my branded shin.

I thought back then that I could never experience that kind of pain again. It was at the top of my little girl brain as being just plain horrific. Little did I know what life had in store for me.

This past week I can only describe as pure Hell. In my adult girl brain this has topped any kind of pain I have ever felt. Childbirth, knee surgeries, ruptured appendix and so much more has been an absolute breeze compared to this. The healing is taking a lot longer then I want it to be. I can say that Bed rest is for the birds. I tried to be a good patient, but when you are in the same room for a few days, the walls start to close in on you and you feel like you can’t breathe. Eventually I had to break all the rules and get out. I went for short little rides here and there with Darin and tried to get back to “normal” as much as possible… And I paid for it dearly! Every time I tried, “normal” would place me right back in bed with pain meds and tears.

Today I refinished a chaise lounge and even though I was sitting on the floor for most of it, I am now back in bed with pain meds and tears. Stubborn has been a word to describe me for most of my life. ( I do believe it is hereditary as my Dad is quite stubborn 😉 ) However that stubborn word has another meaning to me. Fighter… I am a fighter. I can lay back and let this disease take over, but I am fighting. I am being stubborn and not letting the Dr’s outcomes determine my future.

I have 6 weeks to wait to see if this surgery worked. I am fighting for all I’m worth every day to get back to normal. I might get tired a lot quicker and I might not have the spunk I usually have, but don’t let that fool you, I am fighting every step of the way.

I have felt your prayers, I have appreciated the gifts, I have loved the dinners and the visits! Without you all I may not have so much fight. I can’t thank you enough for all you have done. What about you though, what are you fighting for tonight? Your children? Your marriage? Your life? I pray that whatever it is that God will hold your hand through it and will give you the strength to continue on your journey. We all have a story, but it’s up to you how you will tell it!

1 Timothy 6:12  Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

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Are You Content?

One day the Lord spoke to Jonah son of Amittia, He said “go to Nineveh, that great city and speak out against it’s people!

Jonah, however set out in the opposite direction in order to get away from the LORD!!

 

Remember this story? I remember it best told by my Sunday school teachers through the use of felt characters on the felt board. Somehow those felt boards brought everything to life for me. Lately I have been kind of feeling like Jonah. Not that I have been trying to get away from the Lord, but that I think He wants me to say or type certain things on here and I am fighting him. I’m thinking who am I to say anything and why can’t you speak to people about this, why are you using my platform to say this stuff? Yeah God and I we kind of chit chat like this. Of course it looks more like I am talking to myself a lot to others around me. 😉

Tonight I have my headphones on blocking out all outside distractions and I am hoping He will give me the right words to write on here tonight as I can no longer tell God no. This journey that I am on has definitely brought me into a closer relationship with God. Anyone can call themselves a Christian, but if you have no backing and you don’t work on it daily then it’s just a word. Kind of like someone who picks up a bat one time and hits a ball and calls himself a baseball player. Without practice he is just a guy that hit a ball one time.

This week being in my bed I have had a lot of time to think and focus on things in my life that I need to work on. I guess it’s not till we are forced to slow down does God have a whole lot to say to you. The question kept coming up of are you content? What do you mean God? Of course I’m content, I have a great husband, awesome kids what else would I want? Over and over again it kept coming, Are you content? Then I realized what He was talking about…

When I listen to praise and worship music I listen to the instruments, I listen to the singers, if I am watching on YouTube I watch the singers raising hands and praising God. They are not caring who is around them, they are worshipping God to there fullest! Am I content in my worship? No I don’t think I am. I LOVE to sing with everything in me and when we go to church every Sunday it’s my favorite part of the service is singing to God. I close my eyes and sometimes lift my hands and I sing to God. It says in the bible that when we get to Heaven we will be worshipping and praising God all the time. When I close my eyes I picture God sitting on His throne and I am singing to Him. I have heard that I sing good, but it’s not for show for anyone else. It’s just Me and God singing.

My first question to you is are you content in your worship? When the music is playing do you stand there and not sing at all? Do you clap your hands or raise your hands? Are you singing to God or maybe you don’t care either way about the music. Maybe you are singing for show because you know you have a good voice and you want everyone to hear it. God is the only one that really wants to hear it. When you get to Heaven will you just stand and not do anything because that’s how you worshipped in church? Are you content with that?

Are you content with your daily life? You get up, take care of the kids, go off to work, come home and sit on the couch and then go to bed and do it all again everyday? Do you feel like you are a gerbil running around and around on the same wheel and you know you can get off, but maybe you don’t know how. Maybe you used to go to church and you felt something. That tug on your heart to do a little more, to worship a little more, but you were scared and felt to much commitment and you stopped going? I hear so many say “Well Sunday is the only day I can sleep in, or the only family day we have, even it’s the only day when I can clean. However you sleep in or hang out in bed till 11 when most churches are over. So you could have gone to church and started your week off right, but you chose to stay home. Are you content with that?

I was raised in the church and we were there every blessed time those doors were open and I will be honest by the time I was a teenager that got old real quick! I left the church, I took my time doing things that I knew I never should have done, but God brought me back and I feel like a part of me is missing if I don’t get to church. We have so many struggles that face us each day that getting that spiritual food is something I need to start my week with. I understand so many of you were not raised in the church so it’s hard to get that going into a regular thing. It should never become a habit though. Church should be a place that you want to go, a place where you want to feel closer to God. It should never be a place that you go to every Sunday because it’s what you have done since you were a child. God does not want to be a habit.

This is a fresh new year. Gyms are packed right now with people wanting to get a fresh start on there health. What about your spiritual health? How about this new year getting a fresh start on that? It’s never to late. God will accept you anytime. However you never know when you will breathe your last breath. It was on the news last night that a police chase was happening about 5 minutes from us and the car that was being chased crossed the middle and hit a minivan and instantly killed the driver who was a father to 2, a husband, a grandfather who was just on his way home. The 3 that were being chased walked away from the crash. Do you think that innocent man knew that he wouldn’t make it home that night? You never know when you will take your last breath. It could be tomorrow, next week or years from now. Would you be content in where you would go?

Does your friends and neighbors know you go to church? When you are cussing and drinking with them do they see that you are a Christian? Are you content with that?

A lot of you will breeze through this and say yeah I’m fine, but I hope this speaks to at least one of you. You should never be content in anything in life. You should always strive for so much more. Better family life, better performance at work, better in school and most of all better in your relationship with God. Are you content?

Deauteronomy 6:5  You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might

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Happy New Year… I think?

There were approximately 32 ceiling tiles. 12 of them had either a vent, speaker or water sprinkler in them. I know because I stared at them for the past 48 hours. 4:00 Thursday morning I woke up got ready and headed to the hospital for my surgery. After waiting for an hour I was taken back to pre op and given my wrist bands and filled out my life on paperwork. The nurse came in to get my IV started. I warned her I was a her I was a hard stick and after 7 tries she passed me onto the parson who put my epidural in. ( I would spell it, but I don’t know how) 😉

She got my epidural in, but only got the IV in halfway and said it was good enough for now and taped the snot out of that puppy. After surgery was over they took me to ct scan to make sure everything was in place. Now mind you epidurals have never worked for me. I warned the DR of this and he said no problem we will have a back up plan. It took them quite some time in the OR to get my fully numb and it wasn’t until after he injected pain killer into my IV and my epidural that I was fully numb. Midway through the ct scan I felt my toes, then felt my knees and then Lord have mercy I felt the device in between my legs. I told the nurse right away that it hurts really bad and I needed something. She quickly called down the epidural DR and she injected me with  my pain killers that lasted about 30 minutes.

When I got into my room I was in tears. The pain was something I can only describe as pure torture. I don’t cry, but I could not stop crying because it was the only thing I could do. The nurse actually looked at me and said it’s just anxiety, here is some adivan and then no lie people, she brought me 2 tylonal. If I had not been strapped to the bed she may have met her maker! ( All in Christian love of course) Oh and she had to take out the IV and start it in the other arm because it was coming out. The pain got worse and worse and finally after 10 hours the DR came in to see me for the first time since the surgery was over. I can’t even describe the pain it was that bad. Kind of like birthing 13 kids with no drugs. He realized the epidural was not working and hooked me up to a pain management pump through my IV.

I would love to say that it helped right away, but it took another 4 hours before that even touched the pain. Pretty much it just put me to sleep. Every time I woke up I would cry because I could feel the pain. My sweet sister Laura who drove down to be with me through everything would gently rub my hair and tell me to push the button. 😉 Love her so much! Finally yesterday I had my last 2 radiations and it was time to go home. As soon as I sat up for the first time in 2 days I almost passed out and I puked. ( sorry if you were eating when you read that)

I don’t remember much about yesterday and half of today. I know I had loads of people praying and I thank you all so much for that! Our next step is to wait and see if this worked. I have 3 appointments this month and then in Feb I will get tested to see if this worked. So please continue your prayers and again I thank each of you for your prayers and a special thanks to my sweet hubby for going through all of this with me and my dear sister Laura for being beside me through all of this. She even goes off on nurses if need be ;-).

This was just a quick update on everything that has happened. I hope and pray all of you are having a wonderful New Year!!

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