that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Whiter then Snow

on January 28, 2014

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I put on my uniform, kissed Mom goodbye and left for work. I was a security guard for Dupont in WV and was headed for the midnight shift. It had snowed the night before and the roads were slick so I drove my little Mustang slowly down the lane and out to the main road. After less then a minute on the road I felt myself start to slide, I tried desperately to remember what Dad had taught me to do when you start to slide. I held tight to the wheel and the spin started… One, two, three, 8, 9, 10… Would it ever stop spinning? I had lost all control and knew there was nothing else I could do, but wait… and scream as loud as I could! Finally I came to a side splitting stop onto the only tree on the road. I tried to brace myself as I heard my head shatter the side window. The steering wheel crashed down and I was wedged into the seat and couldn’t move.

I must had been knocked out for a few minutes and when I came too, it was eerily quiet. I looked around and felt warm blood running down the side of my face. I remember it had started to snow again and the hood of my car was already starting to turn white. The tracks on the road had already started to be covered up with the snow. I started screaming for help. I was near homes, but there were only a few and I knew 2 of them no one lived in. I screamed till I lost my voice. Finally I heard someone, I looked at the houses, but no one was there. I looked on the other side and realized that if that tree had not been there I would have landed 50 ft onto some railroad tracks. Across the tracks on the other side of the hill a man stood yelling that he had called for help. Within minutes an ambulance was there and a fire truck. They had started to cut me out of the car and soon I was in a neck brace and a back board being carried to the waiting stretcher. The good thing about living in a small town is someone had recognized my car and had called my parents.

I remember Mom taking off my glasses and crying telling me it was going to be okay. I don’t remember much after that, but I do remember I have hated snow since that day. I was so glad when we moved to the beach because it only snows once in a blue moon here and I don’t have to deal with driving in it.

Last year it snowed and within a day everything was brown and ugly. Peoples vehicles were covered in salt and sand and kids had made tracks through all the yards and frankly everything was ugly! That night the kids looked out the window and yelled, “It’s snowing again!!” They were so excited and Darin and I just looked at each other and groaned. We decided to get our gear on and go for a night time snow walk. As we walked I watched… I watched the snow cover the roads and cover all that yucky brown and cover the vehicles and all the foot prints the kids had made in the snow.

As I walked last year in the snow I saw how the fresh snow had transformed everything around me. I was covered in snow and felt the flakes fall on my lashes. I closed my eyes and felt everything around me and knew that God is making all things new. I have been in a lot of pain lately and I have been praying without stopping! God has gotten an earful from me and it always hasn’t been about praising Him or thanking Him. I questioned Darin last night, that what if God gave me cancer to get back at me for things I did years ago. ( Stupid question I know) However when you are in pain, you get desperate for any kind of answer. God put that thought of the snow in my head and I remembered that He made all things new. Just like I watched the snow transform my surroundings right in front of me, God transformed my life and He doesn’t get us back for our sins. He forgave me a long time ago.

I don’t know when God will help me or even heal me, but I have to be patient and wait on Him. I am waiting for Him to make me new. Whether that would be here on earth or maybe I won’t be made new until I get to Heaven. Either way I know that He will make me new.

Do you have a lot of dirt and ugliness in your life right now? Do you know that God can make you like new again? Those stains can be washed away and you will feel fresh and new again. God forgives everything!

Psalm 51:7 “wash me and I will be whiter than snow

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