that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Which Path?

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Things happen for a reason… Ever heard that? I have, approximately 1 million + times. When my Mom passed away I know people meant well, but I must have heard that phrase 2000 times in one day. I do believe in certain circumstances that things happen for a reason, but in others I think they happen simply for the fact that they happen. When I first got cancer I will admit that other then being scared, I was a little bitter.

I will back up a little and tell you that I am not proud of my past. I was raised in a wonderful, loving, Christian home. My Daddy was a Reverend and my Mom was a prayer warrior. However I made the decision to see what the world had to offer. If it looked appealing, I tried it, I smoked it, I drank it and much more. I live with the regret of leading people down the wrong path, for buying drinks and smokes for underage friends. I did so much to hurt so many people when I knew better. I mocked the church and God because I wanted to “fit in” with the crowd that I thought were “friends”. After I married I started back to church and lived the “Christian” life. I sang in the choir and led Sunday School. I worked in the nursery and helped wherever I could in the church. I look back now and I may have looked like the perfect Christian to some, but I was only praising God with my lips and not with my heart.

When Mom passed I got angry at God, at the church and anyone that was associated with religion in any way, shape or form. Mom’s goal in life was to get people saved. She volunteered for everything! She had a heart of gold and I told God that I wanted nothing to do with Him because he took someone that was so wonderful. I have said this before that I questioned God all the time. I said there are rapist and murderers out there, why would you take my Mom who loved you so much! 2 years later after asking that question again I got my answer. It wasn’t like God stood in front of me, but that voice was clear as anything. It said, She was ready, they are not.

I knew at that moment that  was in the wrong. I looked around and realized how far I had gone. I was away from church, away from God and away from my family. I felt alone and knew that if God would have me, I needed to get back to Him. It wasn’t a quick turn around. It was painful and slow and it is still a daily struggle, but I am back where I need to be. I am not ashamed of who I am now. Even before as a Christian I wasn’t bold about sharing God with others. I didn’t want to raise my hands in church because I thought people would look at me funny, but I have walked the path, I have tried most everything under the sun and I realize that none of it is worth losing the love of God. I have nothing to lose by telling others about God. I may lose “friends”, I may lose family, I may lose business or people who just don’t want to hear it. I know though by sharing about God that I will never lose His love for me.

When I was sitting on that gurney on September 27, 2013 and heard those words, you have cancer, I thought my world had come crashing down around me. I cried out to God, that I have been serving you and trying to be a witness for you, I teach Sunday School and so much more and you gave me cancer??? Oh I was mad! The first thing one of the nurses said to me was, things happen for a reason. I wanted to strangle her in that moment! I look back now and can honestly say, Thank you God for giving me cancer!!

Yes, I am thanking God because I have been able to witness to countless nurses and doctors, teachers and friends, strangers and so many more! I have this blog that I can share God with so many people around the world! I have had people in other countries reading what I have to say. But they are not my words… Every time before I write, I pray Dear God, let my words be yours. I want to help others, I want to be a light for God so that no one ever has to question whether I am a Christian or not. I want to live like my Mama and live the legacy she left for all of us.

Yes, things do happen for a reason. God doesn’t punish us and make bad things happen to the ones He loves. He never said that living a Christian life would be easy. He said it would be a narrow path, not a wide easy one. I’m not angry that I have cancer, I am honored that God picked me. He loves me enough and trust me enough that I will continue to praise His name and be a witness to others even through the pain.

What path are you walking today? Are you on the wide, easy path? You feel good and don’t have to many worries in life. Or are you on the narrow path and feel like so much is going on that you can hardly breathe? Whichever path you are on, God is still with you and loving you regardless of what you think of Him. Look at your situation and try to find the good in it.

Matthew 7:13-14  13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

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Are you Disposable?

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I looked at my caller ID and rolled my eyes because this particular “friend” only called when she wanted something. I answered and on the other line I heard, Sarah! My best friend! How are you today?? Less then one minute into the conversation she told me what she wanted. This time it was a lot more than what I cared to do. I knew she was taking advantage of me. I had to make it stop, so I told her that I really like her as a friend, but I can no longer drop what I am doing and run to help her out or bail her out of things. She listened then flat out told me that she thinks we could no longer be friends. It hurt me that our friendship could be so disposable and easily pushed aside when things didn’t go her way.

This was not the first time this scenario played out and it hasn’t been the last time either. Many people have come in and out of my life. I don’t really call them friends anymore, I think the correct word would be acquaintances. No true relationship should be disposable when things get tough.

Before cancer I prayed and I will admit a lot of times it was me asking God for help with this or healing for that. I didn’t really take the time to sit and wait on God. I didn’t take the time to listen to God. I was like that friend that used me only when she wanted something. I have come to realize that a relationship is not a one way street. There is a give and take in any relationship. Especially one with God.

Sometimes in life God chooses to do something to “wake us up”. I fully believe that God has chosen this route for me because I needed to feel more, I needed to listen more and He needed me to love Him more. And you know what? It has worked! God didn’t walk out on me when I wanted Him to do things for me all the time because He isn’t selfish. I didn’t tell Him to leave when things got hard because I knew that through this journey I need Him more then anything else. Through the times when I feel lonely and let down, I know I have God to rely on and he is ok with being here for me. We have that relationship now where neither of us are going anywhere!

How disposable are you? With God, with your friends, with your spouse? Any relationship is hard work and always worth fighting for. God wants to have a relationship with you. He wants you to come to Him not just when things get hard, but to praise Him in the good times as well.  Make sure that you don’t throw away something good!

Hebrews 10:24   And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works

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What is your Journey?

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Webster’s dictionary defines a journey as “a trip from one place to another over a long distance.”

Whether I want to be or not, I am on a journey. Some people take wonderful journeys to exotic places and some take them to foreign lands. However some of us are placed on a journey whether we want to be or not. We question why we were picked for certain journeys and not the more exotic journeys.

My journey is to attack and fight this cancer as hard as I can! I have had amazing days on this journey that felt like I was high on the mountain and I have had many days where I have walked through the very dark valleys. Everyday is not like any others, everyday is different and it’s something I will never get used to.

During those “high” times I feel as though I can conquer this, I can fight this and I feel without a doubt that I can win this! I value those days highly because I know they are rare and hard to come by. When they happen I know God is allowing good things to happen so I have a little while to just breathe. When I am in the valley, it’s hard. Valleys are made of dark shadows and twist and turns that are hard to maneuver. A lot of people that I have come across whether it would be Doctors, or “friends” have attacked me with words like you are going to make it or you aren’t a strong enough fighter. I have even heard that statistics are working against you. These are the dark shadows and twist and turns that can attack you when you are walking through the valley.

Every day I step out in faith that my God can and will heal me! When I say heal me, I am saying that it may not be here on earth, but regardless of what happens I will be completely made whole in Heaven. That is the ultimate reward. When I stand on that mountain and look over everything I have been through I see Jesus on the other side of this. He may grant me many more years with my sweet family or He could decide to take me and heal me in Heaven. Either way I am excited to see what God has in store for me.

Today I am going through that valley. I am in pain and feel so frustrated how slow everything is going. I wanted to be done before summer so I can enjoy time with our awesome kiddos at the beach like we usually do. That’s my plan and not to say God couldn’t make that happen, but I have to be patient and wait on His plan. I have to walk through the valleys and on the mountains. Every step is taking me closer to God. He knew that my relationship with Him was lacking and walking through this journey has brought us so close and He knows that every step I take is a step of faith to rely on Him through everything!

What valley are you walking through today? Are you scared, hurting or angry? Take that step of faith towards God and place your valley in His hands. He will guide you through and you will know that He is with you every step you take!

Psalms 23

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

 

 

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Weekend Goodness

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I haven’t blogged in a few days because, well I was enjoying life for a few days. 😉 We decided to go to WV for a surprise visit to see my Daddy who is recovering from a knee replacement surgery. He has been a little down because the healing process is not going as quickly as he would like it to be. We drove up Friday morning and got there in the late afternoon. WV has been getting hammered with snow storm after snow storm and I guess we failed to realize how soft the ground was when we pulled in the yard to avoid Dad hearing the truck if we went in the driveway. We went inside and he was in his room with the therapist and I stood in the living room and called him on the phone. My sister Laura got the whole thing on video. As I was talking to him I was slowly walking towards his room. I ended up standing in his door way and he had his head down and when he looked up he almost fell out of bed! He was so surprised and I loved it that we could do that for him.

When we went outside to pull the truck in the driveway to unload we noticed it had already sunk about 4 inches into the ground. Darin quickly tried to put it in 4 wheel drive to get it out, but it was so stuck the 4 wheel wouldn’t even engage. After many attempts with wood, bricks, ice melt and much more we realized that that thing was going no where! My nephew called the neighbor with the big tractor and he came down and about 10 minutes later the Hulk was pulled out and back in the driveway where it should have been to begin with! Before though we all had a chance to let our redneck kick in and try to get it unstuck! Even my sister and nephew had a try. We all had a good laugh over it when it was all said and done.

The weekend was wonderful! Anytime with my Daddy is a great time! I was able to cook him a dinner that he has been wanting and he enjoyed it so much. I got to visit with family and even saw a few friends while we were there. I had some great laughs with my sisters Laura and Traci. I wished I could have seen Becky, but she was sick and with that whole no immune system right now I couldn’t be around her. 😦

Yesterday I was in a lot of pain from the cancer and of  course the foot that is 50 shades of purple right now. I hated to let anyone see me in pain and it was nice that I have a family that understands and sits down with me to still keep chatting and laughing.

It’s always hard to leave. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my beach and this is my home now, but leaving family is always hard. Dad was laying in his bed when we left and I sat down beside him and laid my head on his chest. When you have aging parents, the thought process is always there wondering if this is the last time I will see him. He prayed with us for a safe travel and I prayed for him. We promised to call when we got home safely and then we left. I always drive first when we leave for a few hours then Darin takes over. It’s always nice for me to do that because I can put on my dark sunglasses and drive so no one can see my tears.

We had a nice drive home and stopped by the car wash to get the loads of mud off the truck and enjoyed seeing our overly excited pups. I came inside and then it hit. I was in so much pain all over and the emotions of leaving my Daddy and family and so much more all hit at once. I sat down on the couch and just cried. Darin came over and sat beside me and held me. He doesn’t need any explanation, he understands. I just keep repeating I am sorry, I am sorry. I don’t really know what I am sorry for, but I feel bad for crying non stop. I have never had emotions like this and it’s tough. I miss my Dad so much already.

I have a lot of friends that complain a lot about there parents. It’s tough because I have already lost one amazing parent and the other one lives hours away so I don’t get to see him the way I would like too. When I hear people complain about there parents I listen, but I am praying they never have to know the hurt of losing a parent, or not being close to them.

I heard loads of stories from my Dad this weekend and even though it’s ones I have heard before I was still so thankful that he was there to tell them to me. Don’t take your parents for granted. This week spend some extra time with them. Take them dinner or help them with things around the house. It may not be what you want to do, but they won’t always be here. When they are gone you will only have memories and a lot of people live with the regret of not spending more time with them while they were here.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend with this amazing weather in the middle of February! Remember to hold your family close!

Proverbs 22:6   Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it

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Be blessed or be a Blessing?

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I watched her and her husband walk in through the sliding glass doors. He was talking out of his head and not breathing well. She looked so scared and was trying to keep her composure as she spoke to the nurse. “I think he had a stroke”. He was placed in a wheelchair and rushed back to the ER and the nurse sent the wife to wait until they called her back. She sat a few rows behind me and as soon as her husband disappeared from sight she lost it. I heard her crying and felt so bad for her.

My Mother had this gift of seeing strangers in need and going right up to them and offering help. I on the other hand have never been that brave. However listening to her crying behind me I felt the urge to go to her. I hobbled on one foot and ask her if I could pray for her husband. She looked up at me with the most worn, tired eyes and said ” yes, please, I’m so scared”. I held her hand and prayed with her there in the ER for peace to come over her and her husband. I talked with her for about 5 minutes before they called me back. I don’t know the outcome of that story, but I can only hope and pray that they find answers and peace.

I didn’t want to go to the ER, but Darin insisted to see if my ankle was broken. I planned on going earlier, but then I was talking on the phone with a friend. Even when I got to the ER they took me right back and then realized someone was in front of me and they had to give her that bed and sent me back into the waiting room. Some might think I am crazy, but what if God made that timing just right for me to be in that waiting room when this couple had come in.

I always ask God to use me. I want to be a blessing to others and hopefully carry on the sweet spirit of my Mother who had no fear of witnessing to others. So many wonder if they are truly helping others or even question how to help others. Through this journey I have been on I have been blessed by so many people! From meals, help with the kids, cards, prayers, gifts. I could go on and on and you may not think it, but so many of you have been a blessing and a true help to me and my family.

It is so easy to help others. Yes the world is a scary place, but I think we have all had our moments of sitting on the bench and crying because something is hurting us so bad that we don’t know what to do or don’t know who to call. I can only hope that by praying with Christina today that it helped her. I’m glad that I was there in that moment in that time.

What about you? What can you do to reach out and help others. Don’t you think this world would be a much better place to live in if we all reached out to help a stranger? We live in such a “gimmie, gimmie, my name’s Jimmy” world where everyone is searching for ways to get the best for themselves. Can we make a generational change and start helping each other again? My challenge to you today is pay for the person behind you if you are getting a meal or coffee. Pray for someone that needs it, call a friend you haven’t spoken with in a while or one that is going through a tough time and ask them what you can do to help.

I know everyone is busy, but what if the table was turned and it’s you who needed that help or prayer? Make it a point to be a blessing to someone today! If you need to pray for someone then pray for Christina and Donny that they will feel God’s peace over this situation.

Philippians 2:4  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

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Dear Lord, Please DON’T give me Energy!!

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Sounds like a crazy title right? A complete oxymoron then what I am usually praying for. The prayer usually goes like this, Dear Lord, please give me the strength and energy to make it through the day…

Well today I woke up with what I thought was a little burst of energy and thought I would make the most of it. Most people with cancer might have taken a stroll in a park or read a book or something on the conservative side. Not this girl, no way! Let’s take the bull by the horns and roll with it! I decided to move around our bedroom and surprise D when he got home from work. I didn’t go downstairs to turn down the heat, but I was sweating like crazy and thought, no one was home so I would take my PJ pants off and do this in a tank top and skibbies.

I moved the nightstand out of the way so I could have better access to the mattress. I was cursing the day that we decided to get a 600 lb. mattress! I mean who really needs pillow top on BOTH sides anyway? Apparently we thought we did. I finally gave it a massive tug and it ended up standing straight up, then started to fall. I grabbed it and it kind of bend over right in front of our bedroom door. It blocked any type of exit for me, so I thought I’m in this for the long haul because I’m certainly not going anywhere until this is done. Before that happened though I had the bright idea to move the large chair in front of our bathroom door, so when the mattress fell it pushed the door up against the chair making it impossible to not only leave my room, but to use the restroom.

Now any normal person might have taken that as a hint that maybe I should wait until I have the help of another human, but I was too far gone and had to finish. We have this massive king size bed complete with solid wood headboard and footboard. I sure love this bed and have since the first day I laid my eyes on it. However it is HEAVY and very hard to move. I got one rail off and went to the other side to take the other rail off. Somehow I didn’t catch that the headboard was not properly braced and it came crashing down. I saw it happen, it was kind of in slow motion. In my head I thought I’m out of the way, it’s not going to hurt it to fall. Well I was out of the way, however my ankle was not. That sucker came down full force and slammed into my ankle. I might have lost conciseness for a few seconds and then took a deep breath in as I didn’t want to scream because the windows were open and no one wants to bring awareness to the neighbors and make them think something is wrong. Oh yeah, look at me, I sure grabbed that bull by the horns…

I sat down on the floor to look at the damage and it was not good! My ankle swelled up to the size of a tennis ball. I took a few deep breaths and did what any girl would do, I called a friend. 😉 This particular friend can fix ANYTHING! He is also an advanced EMT and also was a firefighter. I told him my scenario and ask him for advice. ( I think I just needed to vent) He said well if I was you , I would call 911. Well, that might have been an option if I didn’t have the downstairs locked, the bedroom door blocked and the fact that I had on no pants, no makeup and had not had a shower yet!! Just a few small details holding me back from making that phone call. 😉

After feeling sorry for myself a total of 5 minutes, I said ok Lord, it’s you and me. We have to get this bed back together so I can get out of this room. It look a lot of time, grunting, sweating and crying, but I got the bed back in place and the box springs back on. I pushed the mattress and got it half way back on. That would have to do as I had not one ounce of energy left. I crawled around and was able to take a quick shower and then scooted downstairs and found some ice. I gave up moving around the room and was very thankful that I could just get the bed back in place!

Now in my defense, I LOVE to move around the furniture. I get bored easily after a few months and my bedroom has been this way for almost 2 years! I just wanted a different look in the room. D came home and was not happy about this turn of events and helped me put the mattress back on. I have now been banned to the bedroom and told not to move!

I learned a big lesson from this. I need to be content with what I have been blessed with. I need to be content with loving my room the way it is and the comfort it brings me when I lay in this big bed every night. I need to not be so gung ho about a little energy and take things slowly. (Although I think God could have been a little easier on me with that whole slowing down part.) My ankle will heal and I will do dumb things again, but I will learn to be thankful for what I have already and not want something different. It’s ok to want nice things or better things. My Daddy used to tell me a quote that I have tried to live with all my life, “Always be thankful and appreciate what you have or God will never bless you with anything better”. I love our room just the way it is and I am thankful for that. Come spring when it’s time to repaint, I will allow my sweet hubby to help me move things around. In the mean time, I’ll just be hanging out here in bed with my ice pack and asking God to not give me any sudden burst of energy. 😉

1 Thessalonians 5:18  Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you

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The Waiting Game

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Well, I still know my name… I finished the second go round of radiation treatments. If you read regularly, you would have remembered my Dr. telling me that this round of radiation would kick my butt and I probably won’t know my name by the end of the week. Well that’s the good part about being a scrapper all my life, I don’t let things kick my butt! However I am so tired that I feel like I have gone a few rounds. 😉 It was a tough week and I am glad that it is over!

My Dr. sat down with me yesterday and said this is where patience comes into play. I have to wait… I tried to let her know that patience was not a virtue that was planted in me. Now Mama, she would give Job a run for his money with her patience, however it must skip a generation because this girl has not one ounce of patience! I have to wait an entire month before seeing the Dr. again. We have to wait to see if the surgery and radiation has shrunk this massive tumor inside my body. She finally showed me the MRI scan that I had done in Dec. It was the first time I actually got a good close up view of the tumor… I almost cried at the sight of it. It’s hard to believe something that big can be in my body.

I thought, will I ever be cancer free or even if it shrinks, will it still be inside me laying dormant? I’m scared and I am allowing myself to be scared. I have fought hard through surgeries and treatments and procedures, mostly with a smile, but it’s getting scary. The thought of not seeing a Dr. for an entire month scares me! When the past 5 months have been weekly if not every other day visits with Dr’s.

With God’s help I will wait and I will pray every day for God to work in my body to heal me and to shrink this tumor. Wouldn’t it be wonderful when I have that PET scan that the Dr. would see no trace of cancer? Oh what a testimony that would be knowing without question that God has worked a miracle in my life! Whatever outcome God chooses for me, I will praise Him because I know that my plans are never His plans. I will continue to live this wonderful life I have been blessed with for as long as I am allowed. I will continue to laugh, smile and make jokes with everyone I come in contact with because that’s who I am. I find when I laugh I feel so much better! I will still have depressing days, but I won’t stay there!

Are you waiting for something? Waiting on God? A spouse? A child? A Job? So many things in life that we wait for and the patience can be so hard especially in certain circumstances. God wants us to put our trust in Him. He knows our future and we have to praise Him through the good and the bad! Thank Him today for all that He has blessed you with.

Psalms 27:13-14  I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

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Mama, it Hurts!!

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I’m pretty sure the neighbor girl was out to get rid of me. She was the same age as my sister Laura and I so wanted to be part of the “older” crowd so I was the annoying tag-a-long little sister. The neighbors had a pool and I remember one afternoon swimming the neighbor girl thought it would be fun to have me swim between her and Laura’s legs like I was going through a tunnel. The second pass through I felt her reach down and hold me under the water. After about a minute or so of fighting she finally let me up. I was choking and crying and she said, “your a baby, I was just playing”. Well if you call playing drowning a kid then by all means, have your fun!.. I may still be a bit bitter over it. 😉

When I was 6 my dad finally took the training wheels off of my bike. He took me to the top of the hill and the neighbor girl was also there while everyone was riding their bikes. I got on that banana seat with the extra high sissy bar in the back and made sure my baseball card was adjusted just right so I could hear it flick the spokes the whole way down the road. Of course you never heard of bike helmets back in the early 80’s so I was truly a daredevil! I had my STP racing team sticker attached to my overly large handle bars and I was ready for action. Just as I put my feet up on those petals I felt a huge push from behind. I took off wobbly as ever and tried to gain control, but I was all over that road like it was covered with ice. Then it happened, I was out of control and hanging on for dear life I rolled over and over. If I was going down that bike was going with me! I went all the way to the bottom of the hill and just laid there. I remember the beautiful blue sky and the birds singing, was I dead?

All of a sudden I felt the pain. It hurt from one end to the next. My Daddy came down and scooped me up in those big giant arms and I remember him yelling at the neighbor girl. Apparently that giant push I felt was from her. That would be the second time she tried to out me. 😉 My Daddy rushed me inside and set me up on that old porcelain sink and yelled for Mom to come and bring some band aids. Mom came running in the kitchen and gasped at the sight of me. She told Dad to go get the merthiolate. If you don’t know what that is, ask your parents. 😉 I’m going to stop here and tell you that my sweet Mama thought Merthiolate was the answer to all ailments. Oh you have a headache? Let me put some Merthiolate on your temples. Oh a hang nail? Get the Merthiolate. You poor thing you stubbed you toe and it might be broken? Get the Merthiolate. No lie, it cured everything and burned like someone set you on fire!

I remember her putting it on all of our boo boo’s and she would blow really quick and that red iodine would rush across our skin and make some pretty cool splattered patterns. I recovered from that accident and many more. Every time though that I was hurt, Mama would be right there to apply the ever healing Merthiolate.

I can’t tell you how much I wish Mom was here right now. I would let her poor that stuff all over me to heal the hurt, to heal the pain, to heal the fear and to hold me tight. If only it was that easy… I know she is in Heaven interceding for me.

If you knew my Mama then you were surely blessed. She illuminated beauty inside and out! She never had a cross word for anyone, although that memory of my sister Becky and I not cleaning our room and there may have been a metal hanger involved, but that’s a whole other story. 😉 She loved you regardless of your background. She had the patience of Jesus Himself and had this direct connect to God that never failed.

I can’t tell you the countless times I called her for her to pray about this or that and before we even hung up the phone most of the time that prayer had been answered. I believe she was put on this earth to be a blessing and if you were to see the amount of people at her funeral then I believe that goal was accomplished.

It took about 2 years after she passed for me to stop picking up the phone to call her and tell her about something cute the kids did or a prayer request I had or just to simply hear her voice. Countless times over the past 5 months that urgency to hear her voice has been so hard! I have cried wishing that I could go see her and have her put Merthiolate on this giant wound in my body and pray over me to be healed.

But she isn’t here and I have to wait on God and rely on God to heal this hurt. It has been a tough week with this new radiation and it usually hits me in the evenings how so. very. tired. I am! Wouldn’t it be so wonderful if God were to reach down right now and heal me? Who knows He still could, but for now I will wait. I am trying to have the spirit of my Mama, the spirit of peace, the spirit of patience, the spirit of waiting quietly for God to do His work in me. I don’t want to complain or be ungrateful because I know God is doing something huge in me! He is using me as a vessel for Him and I am excited to see how this will turn out!

I may not have my Mom or methiolate to fix this, but I have God and I think that is the BEST! What do you need fixed in your life tonight? Is it something simple that medicine can fix or is it a deep hurt or wound that only God can heal? Reach out for Him and ask Him to help you. I can promise you it won’t happen in your time, but He has a plan and it will happen in His time!

Isaiah 40:31   But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

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I’m not Running!!

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I had a hobby when I was little… It was running away. I had a little green suitcase that I would pack full of underwear. I thought if I faced any crisis I would at least have clean underwear on. I would grab my Daisy bb gun, my dog Bandit and my teddy bear and up the lane I would go. My Mom would always sent my brother Matt to follow me. I would get as far as the top of the hill scared as can be and would decide that maybe life wasn’t that hard and I would turn around and go home. Or Matt would tell me to stop being so stupid and go home so he wouldn’t have to follow me all the way to the end of the lane.

I stopped running away when I got a little older, but I have always had the urge to run many, many times as an adult. Matter a fact I had that urge last week when the kids said Mommy about 15,000 times within a 5 minute time frame. 😉

Of course I would never actually run away, but mentally I have ran miles upon miles to get away from life events. Right now the main one would be cancer. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to start running and the further I got from it the easier it would be? Now those of you that know me, know that I don’t run… I just can’t run. I would look like a drunk linebacker if I attempted it, so let’s just say I take brisk walks. 😉 Either way I imagine getting away from what I have to face everyday. Whether I think the grass is greener on the other side or my glass will be half full when I get there, I just want it to be easier.

However truth be told, if I ran it would take me away from where God has put me. He has a reason for me being in this place in this time. I’m not sure what the reason is, but I am here and I am hoping that one day I will understand. I receive emails or phone calls from some of you telling me what a blessing my writing has been. Many of you have suggested me writing a book. I have had readers in china, Japan, United Kingdom, Canada, Africa, England and Ireland. I’m not sure how they found out about me, but they are reading and I can only hope that God has me here to help someone else.

When I first found out I had cancer I thought about writing about it. My sister Becky called me and said, Sarah, I think you should write about this. two other friends called me and said Sarah, you love to write, why don’t you write about this… Ok, Ok God I hear you!! If I run, then how can God use me through this journey?

I have my luggage up in the attic and I am keeping my under wear in my drawer. The guns are safely put away and the teddy bear retired years ago! I won’t be running anytime soon. As hard as this journey gets, I know God is with me and He is using me as a beacon for Him. I guess I will never know if I have ever helped someone or not through my words, but I will continue to pray before I write each blog that my words would be His words and I can bless someone who is reading.

Are you running from something tonight? Maybe God has put you right where He wants you. You may not see the greener grass yet, but your story isn’t over and if you continue with God I can guarantee that the end result will be amazing!!

Hebrews 12:1   Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us

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The Greatest of these is Love

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I pulled my truck up to the restaurant and turned off the engine and waited. I was so scared and nervous. I had been on many dates, but mostly with people that I knew. I saw his car pull up beside me and the first thought was, he is way to good looking and is not going to like me! I started my truck back up and he quickly came over to the window and said, Are you Sarah?…. No lie, I looked at him and said, I can be if you want me to be. 😉 That was almost 16 years ago that I met the man I would marry. All those prayers of my sweet Mama for God to bring me not the perfect man, but to bring me the RIGHT man came true at that moment!

We have went through so much in these short 16 years that we almost didn’t make it through a time or two. However once we placed God in the middle of our marriage, we are stronger then ever.

I struggled with what to write about today as it has been a tough week and I am getting ready for another tough week with new treatments that my Dr. has already told me are going to kick my butt. During times like this when it seems one bad thing on top of another are being dumped on me, I try and find the good in my life. I’m sitting here on our couch and looking around at the pictures of the kids on the walls. I’m cuddled up in my favorite warm blanket from my bunco girls, I have my headphones on listening to praise and worship music and I think how blessed I am to be where I am at in this moment.

I never thought that I would be married and have kids and live in the suburbs. When Darin ask me to marry him I knew without a doubt that he was the one I was meant to be with. He has showed me more of this world then I ever thought I would see. He has made me laugh and if I may be honest, has made me cry. We have made 3 of the most amazing kids that I am so blessed to be called Mom. He has let me cry for weeks on end and held me tightly when I started throwing things in anger over losing my sweet Mama. He held me on that gurney in the ER when they told me that I had cancer. He has prayed with me over and over through treatments and surgeries.

He has brought me Tropical smoothie treats or a Wawa Milkshake when my appetite has been lacking to help get something in me. He goes to work faithfully everyday to provide for our family. I know he is so stressed with so much going on, yet everyday out of pure love for his family he makes sure that we are taken care of. Faithfully every week he gently changes out my bandage on my back where my tube is and every night flushes it out for me with saline. I can’t think of to many men that would do that for their spouse. I know without a doubt I wouldn’t have made it this far without him by my side.

I get so many cards and people asking me how I am doing and I need to let you know that I’m not the only one going through this, Darin is going through this right beside me. He needs your prayers just as much as I do.

I can’t tell you the unconditional love I have for Him! He already knows how I feel, but I wanted to let you all know that God gave me the RIGHT man and I am ever so thankful for him!

Do you know someone who is going through a rough patch right now? How about sending a card to the spouse or the parents or whoever is taking care of them. Caregivers needs just as many prayers and encouragement as the person going through a rough time. Take time this week to reach out to them!

 

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

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