that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Open Wound or Scar?

on March 7, 2014

hurt

I rolled my jeans up and styled my hair like I had just walked out of the 50’s era. It was Mom and Dad’s 25th wedding anniversary and we were throwing them a surprise party and the theme was for everyone to dress like we were in the 50’s and 60’s. I felt a little “off” that night, but chalked it up to “female” problems and continued to help set up the community hall for the surprise. Mom and Dad came in and were so surprised and we started what was a wonderful night of family and friends celebrating our parents.

About 2 hours into the party I felt like someone had stabbed my side and I ran into the bathroom and started throwing up. When I was done I made it as far as the kitchen and slumped down on the floor leaning up against a cabinet. Mom came in to wash her hands and found me and rushed over to me and ask me if I was ok. I starting crying and said, Mom my side hurts so bad. She felt my side and I screamed in pain and the sweat just rolled off of me. Dad took me to the hospital after all the excitement had worn down at the party. By that time I was just crying and felt as though I was on my last leg. After exams I was rushed to the OR where they found out that not only had my appendix ruptured but I have a cyst on my ovary the size of a grapefruit that had ruptured as well. I left the hospital a few days later with a fresh new 8 inch scar on my side to represent all I had been through.

When I think back to that time, what seemed so traumatic at the time is now just a memory and when I look at my scar now and many other scars on my body I see proof of healing.

I have always looked at my life as pretty easy going. I had 2 amazing parents that loved each other so much. They raised all of us kids with so much love and taught us respect and discipline. We lived in a great house with loads of acres and went to a great church. We were blessed to go to a private school for a bit then went to public school when we were in high school. We didn’t have the best of everything, but we were never without. I was told one time that “There will come a time in your life when it comes down to just you and God.”

I didn’t know how to take that statement at the time. As I stated above that life was good, I went to church and tried to live as a good Christian girl was expected to live. (For the most part)… I forgot about that statement until a few months ago when I was sitting on the floor of our closet crying my eyes out over the pain of finding out I had cancer. I realized that it had finally come down to just me and God. I looked at my broken down body. My heart felt raw like a huge open wound and I was so scared as I thought, how am I going to fix this? Sitting in that closet I knew that I had to let God deal with me. I couldn’t hold onto the anger I felt from hearing that I had cancer. I felt that anger when Mom passed. I knew that if I didn’t give it to God that it would fester and get bigger and take over areas of my life.

Living with anger can affect relationships, daily habits, my work, my kids… every area. Like a wound left untreated, it becomes infected and spreads. However when we let God take control those wounds turn into scars that are proof of our healing.

I’ve decided that scars are beautiful. I know mine is.

It’s my proof and reminder that it came down to just God and me, and God made beauty from ashes.

It’s my proof and reminder that I need Him every second of every day

What do your scars look like? Do you have visible scars or ones that are scarred on your heart? God can take those open ugly wounds and turn them into beautiful scars. Give it to God tonight!

Psalms 51:10  Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

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One response to “Open Wound or Scar?

  1. Sharon Albright says:

    I feel that It was meant for me to read this tonight. Your words are what I needed to hear! Thank you for your words. Jesus knows what we need and when we need it. I love you. Praying.

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