that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

How Beautiful are You?

on March 9, 2014

mirror

I walked out of my closet and stood in front of my full length mirror. It didn’t matter which angle I stood, I was not happy with what was looking back at me. The thoughts that filled my head were ones that were not positive in any way, shape or form.

My face is too fat.

Looking at myself with appraisal I began to list my faults.

My hair is still so thin.

My midsection is out of control.

My eyes look weird when I smile.

My nose is too round.

My neck too wide.

I can’t for the life of me hide this tube hanging out my side.

My skin is so pasty white.

 

During this speech to myself about what was wrong I heard that whisper,

I knew you before you were born.  I created your innermost being.  (Psalm 139)

 

I stopped what I was thinking and just stood there and the tears started to swell in my eyes.

Again.

A still small voice speaks again…You are my child.  (1 John 3:1)

I love you with an everlasting love.  (Jeremiah 31:3)

You are my workmanship. (Ephesians 2:10)

I have redeemed you.  (Ephesians 1:7)

You are beautiful.  (Psalm 45:11)

I chose you.  You are mine.  (Ephesians 1:4; Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 1:4)

You are no longer a slave.  (Galatians 4:7)

You are a new creation.  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I look again in the mirror.  I look at my eyes.

I see them brimming with compassion.

I turn my head and see my ears…always ready to listen.

I glance down and see my hands…always ready to pitch in and help.

I look again at my face and see my mouth, one that is always ready to speak encouragement.

And I smiled at myself.

Slowly I see the beauty that God created me to be.

Do you ever feel like that? If you are a woman I can almost guarantee that you have felt like that at least one time in your life. Having cancer has made me feel like one very unattractive person. I find myself spending a lot of time in our closet staring at my clothes and wishing I felt comfortable in at least one outfit that didn’t include something in the PJ department. I find myself spending a little extra time on my makeup and my hair so I would feel a little pretty for the day.

I haven’t had the energy to do much so I am packing on the extra pounds that I definitely don’t need because I have been sitting around. When I look in that mirror it almost brings me to tears sometimes to see that person looking back at me.

Some things are out of my control right now and I have to learn to let go and allow God to show me the beauty in myself. Although very important to us, God doesn’t look on the outward appearance, He looks at the heart. I pray dear God, create in me a clean heart, one that doesn’t look at myself and see ugliness, one that is willing to help others and encourage others. A heart that is willing to give and not downgrade what you have made beautiful.

I sat on my bed and thanked God for making me a beautiful person on the inside. I thank Him for making me in His image. This cancer may look ugly now, but He is making something beautiful out of this mess and I long for the day when I can finally see that beauty not only on the inside, but also on the outside.

Do you know you are beautiful? Regardless what you think of yourself, God has made you amazingly beautiful! You can work hard to make yourself look really good on the outside, but if your heart isn’t clean then your beauty is only skin deep. Ask God to cleanse your heart and invite Him to come in and make you beautiful on the inside!

1 Samuel 16:7 …  For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart

 

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One response to “How Beautiful are You?

  1. Sharon Albright says:

    Sarah, Thank you so much for these encouraging words. How I needed to be reminded that God sees us as beautiful because of His love for us. He knows us and loves us . You are a beautiful child of His. Your inner beauty shows on the outside as well. Your are loved. I am still praying.

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