that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Exit stage Left

on March 19, 2014

exit

As soon as I sat down I looked for the exit sign. When I realized it wasn’t near me I quickly moved before someone else grabbed that seat. I have been that way all my life. I HAVE to be close to the exit. Not sure why that is, but I always think in case of emergency I know where the exit is and I want to be as close to it as possible. When I see the exit sign it’s definition to some may mean, the way out. To me it means, run! Go! Get out! Yes, it’s that’s serious. I have never wanted to sit up front in school or in church because it’s far away from the way out.

I haven’t talked much about the pain side of cancer on here because I haven’t wanted people to know that sometimes I am weak. Tonight though I am opening myself up and showing the raw side of things. I’m not ok… Oh I can put on a great face when I need too, but it’s fake. This past month the pain has been extreme. I cry myself to sleep and wake up at least 10 times a night because of the pain. If your a woman who has ever experienced child birth, then times that by 10 and you will kind of realize the pain level. The drugs just aren’t doing anything anymore and I am so depressed by it all.

People are getting angry with me because I haven’t spent time with them, but it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s simply for the fact that I don’t want anyone to see my weak side. I can be ok at one moment and then 2 minutes later I am doubled over praying to God to make it go away. I wouldn’t want to go out with someone and have that happen. One it’s embarrassing, two it would be awkward for both of us and three, this one being the most honest… I’m tired of people looking at me with pity. I miss the way people used to treat me before cancer.

I’m tired of laying around and resting or reading. I miss building, sewing, painting, outdoor work and so much more and when I attempt to do that people are like, no you need to rest and sit down. I seriously want to scream at them. I don’t want to lay down! I know my limits! If it starts to hurt then I will rest!!

I cried on Darin’s shoulder last night while we lay in bed. I know the tumor is growing. I don’t want to accept it, but the way my pain has been lately and a few other things that are happening have led me to believe it’s growing. I cried because I don’t want to die. I’m not ready! I don’t want to leave him and the kids and my family. I’m angry over all of this! I don’t want to slow down and rest. I want to enjoy everything that I love before I can’t do it anymore.

I have one friend that through this whole thing has not treated me any differently. She ask me to build something for her daughter and her husband was a little upset that she ask me, but for those 5 hours it took to build that thing I didn’t think about the pain I was in or the fact that I have cancer or anything else. I was in my element and I thoroughly enjoyed every blessed minute that it took! I’m not ready to give all that up or anything else for that fact.

Tonight I am looking for that exit. I need to get away from the pain and frustration. I need to get away from the depression and tears. I have been praying for God to heal me, to get away from the pain and have mercy on my body. I will not accept anything less then the best that God has planned for me.

I have an appointment on Thursday to get an exam and have my pet scan scheduled. I’m anxious to see what has changed in my body. I’m asking for extra prayers this week. I feel lost, lonely, empty, hurting and raw.

I don’t have much encouragement to give tonight and I apologize if that’s what you came here searching for. I try not to stay in these valleys very long, but needed to share what I’m going through. I’m not looking for pity, just prayers. I guess what I really am looking for is for God to show Himself. Anything, just to show me that He hears my cries.

One of my favorite songs is from a group called Third Day. The song is called Cry out to Jesus. Instead of a verse tonight I am going to share the lyrics. I encourage you to pull up the YouTube video and listen to the song and let it bless you tonight.

Cry Out To Jesus – Third Day (2005)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmVxRl5bc4Y

To everyone who’s lost someone they love
Long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye.

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keepin’ you back from your life.
You believe that there’s nothing
And there is no one who can make it right.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

For the marriage that’s struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love.
And they’ve done all they can to make it right again
Still it’s not enough.

For the ones who can’t break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again.
Just remember that you’re not alone
In your shame and your suffering.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus.

When you’re lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus.

To the widow who suffers from being alone,
Wipin’ the tears from her eyes.
For the children around the world without a home,
Say a prayer tonight.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
And love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

 

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2 responses to “Exit stage Left

  1. Sharon Albright says:

    Sarah, the last few weeks I have been going through a time when I needed to know that Jesus heard my cries. I have read verses, quoted verses, pleaded for my Lord’s direction and for peace. I still don’t know all the answers to my questions, but I can tell you that Our Lord does hear your cries. He is with you. Isaiah 40:31″-but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength…” (NIV) and Isaiah 41::10-“So do not fear, for I am with you do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NIV). Know that there are so many that love you and are praying for you. Our Lord is with you. Will be thinking of you tonight and Thursday and praying. Love you.

  2. Sharon Albright says:

    Thinking of you and praying.

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