that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

I can’t fix it Mommy…

on March 28, 2014

027

As I hung up the phone with the school counselor, my heart felt heavy. Hot tears threatened to fall down my freshly applied makeup. She had just told me something so sad that our son had said. I just stared straight ahead at the road as I drove through town. I had questions, but the only thing I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and hold him. When he came home from school we sat him down and talked to him about what had been going on. He started crying and told us about the bully at school that has been relentless in his efforts to make our son feel like the bottom of the barrel. Then he looked at me with those amazing eyes of his and said, “You have cancer Mom and there isn’t anything I can do to fix it”…

The weight of the world was resting on his sweet little mind and he did not know how to “fix” it. My heart broke looking at all the worry on his little face. We finished talking to him and then prayed with him for peace and comfort through these hard times. We cuddled for a bit then he went to work on homework. I sat on the couch with my eyes closed and felt a little angry. As much as cancer affects me, it affecting our sweet kiddos just as much. They act most of the time like nothing is different, but when we have moments like these it’s like someone picked a scab off a huge wound. It hurts so much and I don’t want to have cancer because I don’t want them to hurt like this.

My prayer through all of this has been, God, I want your will to be done, not mine. It’s so hard to give up those reigns, especially when most of us women like to have control over things. In Matthew 26 it tells us that Jesus said these words three times. In His most agonizing, painful, sorrowful time, Jesus cried out to God. He asked God to take the cup away from him, to find another way, to free Him from His wrath, but He finished the prayer with this : Your will be done

I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to see my husband hurt and most of all I don’t want to see our kiddos hurt. Jesus understands this. We pray and we pray, but prayer doesn’t change God’s mind, it changes our heart. Prayer changed my heart… Tonight I am praying for God to take control in our son’s heart. He needs peace and comfort and I prayed for God to take away the fear. No child should have to live with that kind of stress on them. They should be able to enjoy being a kid and feel happy and carefree. I know God’s will, will be done for my healing when He is ready. Until then we have to go through the storm and do our best as a family to understand everything that is placed on our path.

As I walk in the kids room and watch them sleep I pray peace over them. My heart is so heavy, but I know God is protecting us and watching over us. He will bring us through these trials and we will come out stronger then when all of this started.

If I could ask for your prayers not for me tonight, but for the kids. It’s hard on them to deal with so many changes in the past 6 months. Pray for peace and a sense of understanding.

Matthew 19:14  But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

 

 

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One response to “I can’t fix it Mommy…

  1. Sharon Albright says:

    Sarah, I think of you, your husband and your beautiful children. You are loved so much. “Now the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always by all means.The Lord be with you all.”
    II Thessalonians 3:16. KJV. Still praying.

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