that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Falling

on March 30, 2014

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I picked out the highest pair of high heels I could find in my size and sat down to try them on at the Pic and Pay shoe store. My 11 year old self thought I could walk in these with no problem. My sister Becky was trying on a pair as well. We were supposed to be looking for school shoes. I stood up to walk and took about 3 steps before my ankles started wiggling and down I went… HARD! Becky was laughing so hard at me and although embarrassed I laughed along with her. Mom was none to pleased with our crazy antics, but we eventually found our shoes and left.

Our oldest sister Laura had quite the array of high heels in her closet and when she wasn’t home I would slip in her room and try on her heels. I wanted to get the hang of wearing high heels. One Sunday I picked out a bright red pair she had and thought I would wear them to church. I got so many laughs that Sunday from so many people. I was trying to be older than what I was. Mom didn’t try and stop me because she knew this was part of growing up. By the time I got home my feet hurt so bad and were all blistered. I didn’t touch heels for years after that!

To this day I only wear heels if I absolutely have to! Other then looking like a drunk linebacker trying to walk in them, it also puts me on the mammoth woman chart as a six foot four tower! Do you know how hard it is to talk with other women when you are two heads taller than them? Not fun!

Through these past six months I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have fallen on my face. Unlike the physical fall I did in the Pic and Pay, I have mentally and spiritually fell. Tonight I cried on the phone with my Dad because I am in a lot of pain. Not only from the cancer, but now I have a bum tooth and the whole side of my face is swollen up and no dentist will see me without cash up front. I do not have $400 to get it fixed. I pray out to God to fix it and so far nothing has changed. I told my Dad that I know God is listening and I thought He wanted the best for His people and frankly I don’t feel like this is the best! I was angry! Dad being the level headed one in the conversation said, Sarah, don’t think about what He hasn’t done, think about all the things He has done for you…I was spiritually falling. My faith hasn’t been what it should be. I am doubting more and more.

I don’t want to be this way and think angry thoughts towards God. I have to listen to Dad and remember all God has brought me through and not focus on the bad. I have to get up and try again. I know God has everything under control and I can’t question that. I just have to pray that maybe He could fix my tooth and then have faith that He will! Same with my cancer, I can’t keep having these negative thoughts and allowing satan to try and weasel his way into my mind. I don’t want to fall on my face. I want to walk and hold my head high and know that God is walking right beside me and He is not going to allow me to fall!

What are you falling on tonight? Is your faith wavering and doubts are clouding your mind? Instead of complaining about what God hasn’t done why don’t you praise Him for what He has done for you.

 

Matthew 14:31  “Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

 

 

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One response to “Falling

  1. Sharon says:

    Sarah, I know where you’re coming from! When I feel I’ve conquered some area, doubts come again. We talked about this in Sunday class this past Sunday. We must remember that negative thoughts are not what God wants us to hear. He is a God who wants to uplift us, not tear us down. . I pray that your tooth will be free of pain and that somehow, if still needed, you will be able to visit a dentist. You are loved. Still praying for you and your family.

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