that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Protect Me

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My Aunt Billie, had this Toyota, I want to say Corolla, regardless it was a white 2 door with reddish orange leather seats. Back in the day we didn’t have to wear seat belts so we would stuff as many kids in the back seat as possible. I remember many trips to Greenbrier state park to swim on a hot summer day. Our skin would stick to each other as there was no AC in the car. She lived on a awesome farm about 20 minutes from our place and my sister Becky and I would spent many, many nights over at that farm with our cousin Stefanie. I have so many great memories of that beautiful farm! After staying for a night or two, our Aunt Billie piled us back in her little car and was taking us home.

We were traveling down Route 11 when we came upon loads of fire trucks and ambulances. Aunt Billie yelled back at us to get down and close your eyes now!! It was a really bad accident where a teenager had been decapitated and another had an arm laying in the road. Just like most kids are, I was curious and I snuck up to the window and peeked as we were slowly driving by. At the time I wished I hadn’t, my stomach started to turn at the scene that was laid out in front of me. However later on in life, it had a huge contribution to me wanting to be an EMT to help others. Aunt Billie saw me sneak a peek and yelled at me again to get down! I slowly sat back on the floor of the car and I remember being so scared for those that were involved.

She was trying hard to protect us from the bad scene. Even as she was driving she had one hand on the wheel and one hand trying to push our little heads down. She just wanted to protect us…

Today I had a few minutes and jumped online and pulled up my medical records and was looking at some new test results. I have tried so hard not to read the bad about my cancer. I know there is bad, but I don’t want to fill my mind with it. I try to focus on getting better and not what could happen. For some reason I started looking up the bad. It was so scary and almost put me in a full panic attack! As I was reading the phone rang and it was my sister, I chatted with her for a bit and then when I hung up. When I went to read again the phone rang again and it was a friend and we talked for awhile then hung up. One more time I went to read and I remembered a errand that had to be done today. I closed down the computer and left.

It may sound strange to some of you, but I think just like my Aunt Billie was trying to protect us from the bad, I fully believe that God made that phone ring twice and reminded me of something that had to be done, to try and protect me from the bad that I was reading. If I am telling everyone that I fully believe and have faith that God can heal me then I focus on reading about the bad then what kind of witness am I being? Where is my faith? Where is my trust in God? Through all of this my biggest want is to be a witness to family, friends, Dr.’s, nurses and anyone I come in contact with. I want God to use me and work through me to share with others what an amazing God He is! If I allow bad things and bad thoughts to creep into my head, I am no better then the sinner on the street.

I know God can and will heal me and I want to be a light for Him and a hope for others that are suffering. Casting Crowns is hands down my favorite Christian band. They have a new album called Thrive that I HIGHLY recommend. I am including one of the songs on here that is a song that I have come to love and want to live my life by. The words hit hard and are a challenge. I want all who come in contact with me to know without a doubt that God is in me and if I have come across any other way, I apologize for that. I know I can’t shield you and protect you from the bad around us everyday, but I hope I can help lead you to the one who can.

What are you allowing to creep into your mind tonight? Thoughts of hate, thoughts of cheating, thoughts of hurting someone? Did you know if you allow that to take over your thoughts, then you have no room for any good? Give it to God tonight and allow Him to help clear your mind and your heart.

“Love You With The Truth”

For the longest time, I believed the lie
That I’m not a strong enough believer
To be the friend that can take your hand
And lead you straight to Jesus
I’m waiting on the preachers, singers, and the teachers
To string the perfect words together
But every single time I have to say goodbye
I wonder will this be the last time

I cant call myself your friend and walk away

When we love, we earn the right to speak the truth
When we speak truth, we show the world we truly love
I’m not pointing my finger, I’m holding out my hand
I lay it all on the line now to see God save my friend
Let my life and my words be the proof
I’m gonna love you with the truth
Gonna love you with the truth

Yes, God is love, but God is just
And we are separated in our darkness
So God let Him who knew no sin
To become sin to make us right with Him
Its not about religion or earning Gods forgiveness
Or magic prayers or new behavior
Its all about your heart, Hell meet you where you are
Turn from your sin and trust in Christ as Lord

Jesus is the truth, the life, the way

How I’ve prayed for this moment, that you would finally see
That God is more than religion, a stained-glass fantasy
And how Ive prayed for the courage, for my silent faith to speak
Or that God would just send you a better friend than me

 

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Finally back on Schedule

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Well I took the weekend off as I was so busy that I didn’t have time to think! I got out of the hospital Thursday afternoon with strong antibiotics and no picc line which is perfect with me! I did not need another tube hanging out of my body again! I have to say though as much as I do not like hospitals, I LOVE the people at Beach General hospital! The oncology floor nurses are amazing and really have a heart for the patients! I will admit I even had a few good Dr.’s that spent more then 1 minute in the room. 😉 The staff and higher ups that work there are all great and if I had to go to any hospital, I am so glad that I get to go to that one!! It will always be my first pick! I keep thinking when I am done with all of this, I might pursue a job somewhere in that hospital! I know I am not qualified to be a nurse, (although I was one heck of a candy striper there for a few years) 😉 but I think I could be housekeeping! 😉

My sister Laura and her son Alex came down from WV to spend the weekend with me since Darin was out of town at his buddies wedding. My sister and I did so much that I felt like I was behind the wheel all weekend! We had some great laughs though and I am blessed to have family that cares enough for me not to be alone. It was nice to have a distraction from everything that I was feeling.

Darin made it home late yesterday afternoon and we had a wonderful reunion at the airport. Complete with a welcome home Daddy sign from the kids and some balloons. It felt so good to have him home. I have no idea how military wives do it! I am in awe of those that can hold down a house with kids for 6+ months time and time again. I’m a wimp and am more than ready to share responsibility after 4 days. 😉

I’m not sure what is next on the list of medical things. I am waiting for my Dr to call back for a follow up appointment after this past week. All I know is I am over all these infections! Lord have mercy I need a year supply of yogurt to offset all these antibiotics! I’m praying my body will decide to heal itself soon!

After last week and the busy weekend I’m glad that it will be raining for most of this week. It means that I don’t have to do any outside work and I can relax a little more. Today is definitely a couch day with a hoodie and leggings. Comfy and carefree! I know I am doing a lot of rambling today, but wanted to update everyone as to why I haven’t written since last week. I’m doing alright now and still praying for God’s full and complete healing! Thank you to those who visited me while I was in the hospital and the sweet prayers. It’s so wonderful to have great friends and family when in time of need!

 

Psalms 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

 

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Encourage and uplift, but most of all, LOVE

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What is this? Two blogs back to back? You don’t say! Well I needed to just write because the loneliness has set in and if I don’t do something, I’m going to make a fool of myself and cry in the hospital. No one wants to see the funny, cheery girl break down, right? So here I am again tonight and I want to share something with you that I get the honor of having every day of my life until God says otherwise.

I have talked about my sweet hubby Darin before and I just need to talk about him again. I know he doesn’t like for me to talk much about him, but sometimes you just need to talk. Tomorrow morning he is leaving for Arizona to participate in his childhood friends wedding. Erik is the sweetest guy and since the first day I met him I knew he would make a great hubby to a beautiful woman one day and here it is, he found a beautiful woman and they will be married this weekend. I couldn’t be happier for him and I am so thrilled that it turned out that Darin could stand up with him to celebrate this very special day. I wish I could go with him so bad, but sometimes things don’t work out the way we want… case in point I am sitting in a hospital bed instead of helping him pack.

When things like me going to the hospital at the spur of the moment, come up, Darin steps up to the plate and does not complain. He gathers the kids and finds places for them, he rushes to my bedside to be with me, he cooks dinner, and cleans, does the laundry, helps the kids with homework and so much more. I know he is so stressed, yet he still smiles and does it for the love of his family. I wish I could tell him and show him how much I love and appreciate him, but sometimes the words seem so simple when all I can say is, I love you.

I know a lot of you that read this are married and I have to throw this out, how many times do we say words of affirmation to our husbands. Yes a lot of you women work outside the home and still be a mom and a wife when you get home. Call me old fashioned, but I think the man still needs to be the head of the household. It’s in the bible and it stands true in our home. Darin will always be the head of the household and I love him so much for being the husband and father that he is. Tonight I am going to put on here words of affirmation for Darin, but I challenge you to tell them to your husbands and husbands if you are reading, twist them around to tell them to your wife. Everyone needs encouragement and to hear words like this builds each other up.

Darin, I love you and I am so proud that you are the one that God handpicked for me. I am blessed beyond blessed to call you my husband. Have fun with your buddies and come home safely! Here is what I want to say to you. 😉

Thank you for working so hard

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

You are wonderful

Thank you for listening

Thank you for caring

I admire your strength

I trust you completely

Thanks for fixing that

How can I Help?

I admire your faith

You are an amazing father

I love to watch you be a dad

What a gentleman you are!

The day goes by 10 times faster when you’re home!

How are you so handsome?!

I can’t stop looking at you

Wow! Thank You

Thanks for all your help around the house

Thank you for leading, directing and protecting our family!

I trust you with everything

I’m so happy

You are incredible

I like the way you think

You always have the best suggestions

I love being with you

You are an amazing husband

I’m lucky to have you

I’m grateful I married you

I love when you just hold me

I respect you for that

You are too good to me

That was so meaningful to me

Thank you for your sacrifice

You know exactly what I need!

What would be a fun date night for you?

You are so funny

I’m in love with you

You will do great!

I’ve never known you not to succeed

Remember to say things like this on a daily basis to your spouse and I can tell you they will appreciate it!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

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Today’s Tidbits

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I’ve come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t blog when I’m drugged up and emotional, but hey it’s raw and honest. 😉 Tonight I am blogging from my very own hospital room. It’s a tinier one than previous stays, but if it didn’t smell so bad in the bathroom I think it might not be too bad. 😉 Seriously though the smell is really bad! I’m wondering if it was cleaned properly! However this is a old hospital and I am assuming it comes with the territory. I however love this hospital and the people who work here and that is why I choose to keep coming back to this one. Virginia Beach General is great if you are local and ever have the unfortunate need of a hospital.

Today I went to the eye doctor with my hubby whose eyes are just getting older and he was in need of multi focal contacts. I’m guessing the next step would be bifocal? Not sure, but he seems to see better now and that is the good thing. He took me to my favorite sub shop which is Firehouse Subs! YUM! While we were sitting outside eating we witnessed a horrific crash and I am praying that all who were involved made it out safely! After we got done my Dr called and told me I needed to come in and give a urine test since I just got done with another round of antibiotics. When I went in a told her about some pains I have been having and some issues with my tube. After test were done she informed me that I needed to go directly to the ER as she thought I was sepsis.

I ask for a definition as I was unsure what that was. Apparently it’s when infection reaches your blood stream and it starts to shut down your organs and can be deadly… Alrighty then! Off to the ER I went. The ER doc told me it’s a good thing my dr sent me when she did because I was certainly in the beginning stages of sepsis. Lots of testing of blood and urine and culture this and that and then loads of antibiotics started being fed through my IV. I have been admitted and was able to come back up to the oncology floor. I do love these nurses up here! They are simply wonderful and truly have a heart for caring for others.

I’m hoping this is a short stay and nothing that will drag it out for days on end. I’m glad that I have great Doctors that keep an eye for me and continue to do what’s best for me. This will be alright and God is all over this! He puts us in certain places at certain times for a reason and I’m not sure of my reason yet, but I’m going with it. 😉

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers! You all mean so much to me! Also on a side note we are getting closer to the 10,000 view! Only a little over a 1,000 more views needed! Tell your family and friends or post it on your Facebook. Thank you for sharing my story.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

 

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Faith : 1.belief or trust: belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof

 

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I have always believed in God.

Every time the church doors were open we were there. I had the sweetest Sunday school teachers that made the bible come alive on felt boards. We had a lady named Cleo that would come in class every Sunday and would play the piano and she would tell us to sing so loud that the people in the sanctuary would hear us. We sure could sing loud as we had a lot of kids in Sunday school! That was back in the day when going to church was the American way. Kids dressed up in pretty dresses and dress shirts and ties and were so proud to stand in line and drop there offering in the bucket. I loved Sunday school and I couldn’t wait to memorize my verse of the week and share it for the next week to get a star beside my name on the bible chart.

All this was great, but just because I went to church did not make me a Christian. What did you say??? Going to church does NOT make you a Christian! I was 7 years old when my sister Becky ask me if I wanted to be a Christian, I wasn’t sure what all was involved, but her being the older “wiser” sister I agreed. We went up to my parents bedroom and knelt down at my Mom’s hope chest. I remember it had a piece of cloth across it that depicted the last supper. Not sure if that had anything to do with kneeling in that particular place, but kneel we did and she led me in the “repeat after me sinners prayer”.

I didn’t feel any different afterwards, but I specifically remember her telling me, Good, now if you die you will go to Heaven. That was good enough for me so we hugged and ran off to play.

This past week I had someone tell me, Sarah you have too much faith… I don’t think that is possible. How can one have too much faith? I believe God is healing me and I have faith that He has worked wonders in my body that we just weren’t expecting. I thought about the thousands of people that have been praying for me across the world. People that do not know me from Adam have emailed and said my church is praying for you, my bible study is praying for you. I have received over 1,000 cards from people I have never heard of and churches all over the country. People have been praying for a miracle for me! Now that God is moving and miracles are happening people are second guessing what is going on. What do you mean the tumor has shrunk? What do you mean they aren’t going to do this or do that?

How can you ask God to move in a situation and then when He does you second guess Him? Do we not believe that He is a mighty God? The great physician? I believe that God gave doctors the smarts to help people and invent machines to help people, but the bottom line is medicine is still a practice, but God can do anything!

Yes I have too much faith and I think it’s wonderful! Since kneeling on that hope chest and asking God into my heart I have had faith. When I went my own way and got away from the church I still had faith. When I had trials come my way from hard pregnancies and surgeries and the death of my sweet mama, I had faith. From the time the words, you have cancer were said to me that changed my life, I had faith. I will admit some days the faith was stronger then others, but when nothing else seemed to be going right, I have my faith and that can never be taken away from me.

God is moving in my life, He has shrunk this tumor  and I am praying that He will continue to take it away completely! Am I still in pain? Yes! Do I still have to take medicine? Yes! Do I still have to go in for blood test and urine test? Yes! Just like everything in life, I am a work in progress, but the difference is I have the great physician working in my corner and when that day comes that I hear you are cancer free then you all will know that faith is what got me to that place. Faith that God works miracles!

Do you doubt to often? Do you allow things in life to get to you? How about having a little faith in God and allowing Him to take over when you can’t continue on. So many things in life we can’t control and that’s when faith comes in. It’s so hard to let go, but when you do God is ready to take over. Give it to Him tonight!

 

Isaiah 7:9 If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all

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Jesus or the Easter Bunny?

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Every year for Easter mom would go and buy loads of material and would sew our Easter dresses. She would work until the wee hours of the morning just to make them right. She would give us girls baths and then put pin curls in our hair and send us to bed. When we woke up the next morning there would be our beautiful new dresses hung up in our room with a white shawl and new knee socks and matching shoes. We would feel like princesses! We would run downstairs and Mom and Dad would make our Easter baskets out of Cool Whip containers and it was awesome! We would all go to church and then after we would either have a Easter egg hunt at our house or go to our Aunt’s farm for a hunt. It sure was an occasion to look forward to every year!

Of course as we got older the outfits became more store bought and less matching, but it still felt good to get dressed up. We would still have our Easter egg hunts, but they got better because Dad started putting coins in the eggs and somewhere hidden in those woods would be a prize egg with $5!! Once we all started having kids of our own we passed on those traditions to our kids, but the adults would still be pushing and shoving to get to those eggs filled with coins. Best entertainment ever for the neighbors! 😉

This week we have had such wonderful and much needed family time! A friend of Darin’s got us a ocean front hotel room last weekend and we spent a weekend of relaxation on the beach. It was so wonderful and then this past weekend since Thursday we have spent time at a friend’s cottage on the water at the Eastern Shore. It was definitely an “unplugged” trip as we had no cell phone reception, no TV and no internet. I can honestly say it was PERFECT! It was just a quaint little cottage and the kids kayaked and we hung out around a fire pit and played cards around the table at night. We just connected as a family. With such a long winter of Doctor visits, hospital stays and laying in bed sick we just needed to have good, undisturbed family time.

When we got home this afternoon we had to go to the store as Jax needed dress shoes because his were to small from last year. I guess as a flip flop family we do have to dress up once in a while so nice shoes only get worn once or twice before they are too small. 😉 Montana needed a necklace to go with her dress and so on and so forth and it took me right back to when we were small and everyone was excited to get dressed up for Easter. I’ll take that as our kids do not like to dress up so it makes me excited when they actually want to look good on Easter. 😉 But it’s not about the nice clothes or the nice shoes, even the pretty hair and makeup is it?

Of course we like to look good, but it isn’t about us and never has been and never will be. I’m not sure when Easter became mostly about the Easter bunny and gifts. I mean I know some kids that get phones and tablets for Easter! Y’all what happened to the simplicity of a few things of candy and going to church? It’s really sad to see parents stress over what to get there kids for Easter… Just sad.

God gave His only son to die on a cross for our sins and we are worried about bunnies and candy. Every year before my Mama passed from the time we were little to after marriage she would call first thing on Easter morning and say, Happy Resurrection Day! I now say it to our kids and it makes me smile to know that He isn’t on that cross anymore! He is risen and alive!

Tomorrow, how will you celebrate? Will you stay in bed because it’s your only day to sleep in? Maybe you will have a hang over after drinking to much tonight, Maybe you will just go over to a friends house and celebrate Easter with a beer or glass of wine and a barbeque. Or maybe you could go to one of the millions of church across this great nation of ours and thank God for giving us His only son to forgive us of all of our sins! Going beyond that though, don’t be a Easter and Christmas Christian, go every Sunday and start bringing God back into our homes and our lives. We need Him so much and not just one day a year. He gave Himself for you, what are you going to do for Him?  Sunday is coming!

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have ever lasting life

 

 

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He makes Beautiful Things!

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One of my favorite plants hands down is called the Century plant or another name is Blue Agave. Most people hate them, but ever since I first set eyes on one, I have been so intrigued with this plant! It gets huge! Like bigger than man huge! I bought one several years ago and had to keep transplanting it because I didn’t have enough room for it to grow. With 3 kids always running around the back yard, I couldn’t have it there because the leaves on it will tear your skin up. The leaves are thick and spikes run from one end to the next. It is an ugly plant that mostly thrives in the desert, but living in a “tropical” location we see them everywhere around here.

The reason I love this plant so much though is every year it gets bigger and uglier, but through all of that growth and years and years of thick, ugly, spiky leaves something amazing happens. Out of the center of this plant comes a stalk over 2 feet wide that will rise 20 to 25 feet tall in the air and produce huge beautiful flowers in just a matter of a few days! After years of ugliness the beauty that was inside pushes through and stands tall, beautiful and proud in the midst of a dry and dusty desert.

I have to admit for the past year or so I have felt like that century plant. I have hurt and lashed out in pain to others. I must have looked like a spiky unapproachable plant because although I tried not to let the pain get to me, I still had days where it just hurt to talk or be around anyone. I felt ugly on the inside and the outside and no amount of anything could help me with the way I was feeling. Until last week when I got that phone call from my doctor. I felt as though God restored my brokenness, my pain and my ugliness and allowed that healing and beauty to push through with it’s vibrant colors, sweet fragrance and His strength.

It’s not that I had given up on God, I just couldn’t see the full scope of what His plans were for me from beginning to end. Through all my times of doubt He was making me beautiful from within. I just had to sit back and wait for Him to push that through me so I could begin to see that He was working something amazing in me.

Finally hearing good news after bad news almost every week has mentally healed me. I have been able to keep smiling and honestly when you mentally feel good, everything else just feels good! I still have a long journey of healing. My body has been through so much through all of this. I am still fighting the infections and praying that God will heal my kidney to get this tube out. Although the size of a pencil eraser, I still have cancer and I still have pain, but I am thrilled beyond thrilled of what God has done for me in shrinking it to this small little spot! I know He is making me beautiful from the inside out and I long for the day when I hear those words that I am cancer free! I haven’t been able to stop smiling since last Friday and I will continue to believe that God has something amazing in store for me!

Are you feeling ugly and spiky and unapproachable because you are hurting? Or are you ready to bloom? Whatever the circumstance know that God takes something ugly and turns it into something beautiful if you just go to Him. He will meet all your needs! If you are hurting today can I pray for you? If you are ready to bloom can I rejoice with you?

Romans 12:15   Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn

One of my favorite songs is from a group called Gungor. This songs speaks volumes! Take a few minutes and listen

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Go and LIVE Life!!

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I got behind the wheel of my Dad’s 1972 Buick LeSabre complete with wool lined seat covers and was told to parallel park… Excuse me officer, did you happen to see that the car is longer then the length of what you set those cones up? She didn’t budge and said if I wanted my license I would have to park it. Well I got it in between those cones, but was 3 feet away from the curb so I failed. I begged her to please give me a second chance, but I don’t believe she had a hug yet that day and the bitterness continued with a firm no. I walked away from the DMV with my head hung low in pure defeat. Maybe if my parents didn’t have such huge cars I would have parked with ease, maybe if I had taken that few more seconds to concentrate then I would have got it closer.

The next week I went in again and was hoping I wouldn’t have the same officer for my driving test. She walked out of the office and looked at me and we both groaned when we realized we were at it again. This time I got the car 2 feet from the curb and was pretty pleased with myself! She however told me 12 inches or less to pass and stamped another “failed” stamp on my paperwork and sent me on my way. Once again I ask for a second chance and she didn’t even acknowledge me. She just got out of the car and went back inside. Suddenly I was so angry at my father for this stupid car that was at least 3 times the size of a normal car! Dad on the other hand said, “If you learn to drive a huge car and park it, then you will be able to park anything”!… I didn’t agree at that moment.

The next week I went in and for the love of Pete that same officer came out again!! Good grief did this woman ever take a day off? I seriously wanted to walk away, but kept my chin up and said lets go! When it came time to park, I pulled that sucker right up on the curb and looked at her and said, “this would fall under the 12 inches or less category right?” Oh I wish they would have had Instagram or Facebook back then because the look on her face was priceless! She stamped, “Passed” on my paperwork and thus began my driving!

When I found out I had cancer, I begged God for a second chance. I pleaded with Him to not let me go. I wanted to stay with our kids and my hubby. I thought maybe if I had done things differently or not done certain things in life, would I have cancer? What if I did something to trigger it. I wanted to blame someone or something, but I couldn’t. This was me and my story and regardless of the outcome I had to live it and fight it!

Through this journey, most days I knew God had a plan. I kept having dreams of me speaking to thousands of women at conferences… (Which is definitely not my dream because I don’t speak in front of anyone!) I had dreams of me writing a book and singing in church. I didn’t know what they meant, but I knew God had something big planned for me! Those painful days of chemo and radiation and infections and hospital stays though… I didn’t know if I would make it on those days. Those were the times of me pleading with God to please God, give me a second chance. If I were to die I know where I would go, but I’m just not ready to go.

I wrote about having my tube replaced and them thinking that maybe the cancer had gotten into my lymph nodes because they were enlarged on the screen. Well my doctor moved up my PET scan to this past Tuesday. She told me I would have the results by Friday. Well Thursday my lack of patience that I have talked about frequently got the best of me and I called my doctor. The receptionist said that she had just got done printing the results and gave them to the doctor and she would call me later. That phone never left my hand the whole day. I rejected phone calls and text because I wanted nothing to interfere with her calling. By two in the afternoon I still hadn’t heard from her and I called the office again. I told them I realize I’m not her only patient, but I was ready to pee my pants waiting! They promised that they would get the message to her to call… She never called back.

That was a tough night because all I could think of was this is bad, this is really bad. It must be so bad that she didn’t call me because she didn’t know how to break the news to me. I was in tears with fear of the unknown! First thing Friday morning I called the office again. I apologized profusely for being THAT patient and reiterated that I could not go through the weekend without knowing what the scan said. She said she would leave another message for the doctor to call as soon as possible. I will tell you all that I was ready to go sit in that office until she told me those results! I waited and waited until finally at almost 11am the phone rang… I looked at it for a second and just said help me Jesus…

She said… Sarah, I wanted to call you yesterday, but I wanted to have the other doctors look at your scan as I wanted to make sure I read it right. Your tumor was the size of a baseball 7 months ago when we first met. Other then a spot the size of a pencil eraser the rest of your tumor has simply dissolved…. I sat down on the floor of our bedroom and could not believe what I was hearing. She went on to say that this just doesn’t happen in someone with your stage, your body has reacted so well to treatment that we are all amazed! She even told me that she is not even sure that the spot is even cancer. Since we did the scan earlier then scheduled that spot could just be left over radiation. She said she couldn’t say that I was cancer free yet because of that one spot, but y’all my baseball size tumor has mostly just dissolved!! I know without a doubt that God healed me! Doctors can try to tell me it was the treatments and medicines, but I know that God is the great physician! She still had to tell me statistics because of my stage that I have 65% chance of it coming back within the first 2 to 5 years. She said for now until you have your next scan in 3 months that there was nothing else they could do for me, to go and live life!! We talked for a little bit more and I hung up the phone and sat on the floor looking out the window in silence.

I started crying and thanked God for His second chance, I told Him that I was sorry for doubting Him on those bad days. I yelled for Darin who was downstairs and he came running up and we cried together after I told him the news. We started going down our list of family and friends to call and so many of you rejoiced with us within minutes of that phone call. For the first time in over a year of being sick, I have peace. I have told everyone that would listen this weekend about how my God is awesome! He is a God of second chances and He has HUGE plans for me!

Do you need a second chance? Are you afraid that He wouldn’t love you or forgive you because of the things you have done? Oh my friends He loves you so much and will not only give you a second chance, but a third and a fourth and so many more! He has big plans for your  life as well! He has held me through my journey and He will hold you through yours. Never give up on God, never doubt God. His plans are ones that are so hard to see in the midst of any trial, but His plans are the ones that will set us free. When God shows up, you will want to share with everyone, you will be smiling till your cheeks hurt and you will know without a doubt that God wants you to go and live life for Him!!

Jeremiah 17:14  Heal me oh Lord and I shall be healed, save me and I shall be saved, for You are my praise

 

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Are you Whining?

vending-machine

It was break time at work and I headed for the vending machines to get a snack and soda. I put my money in and punched in the number for what I wanted and waited… nothing. I gave it a little tap and still nothing, I punched it and although my fingers hurt I still got nothing. I looked for the closest thing to an employee to complain that I did not get what I deserved, what I had paid for. It was mine and I wanted it!

When I thought about this story I thought about how that time with the vending machine was kind of like my prayer life… I approach God with MY wants and MY needs and I throw a good child like tantrum if I don’t get it. I think if I read my bible then He will give me what I want, if I pray just a little longer each day He will answer my prayers, maybe if I act a little more spiritual, then maybe I will get His attention.

When I act like that I am trying to strip God of His power and in a way I’m trying to tell Him how to do things better. I mean I have been a good spiritual girl, right? God will never answer and never fulfill when we have attitudes like that. I remember when I got to sit on my Daddy’s lap as a little girl. I had all of his attention when I would sit there. I would snuggle into him and twirl my fingers through his beard and I felt safe. If I whined and cried and told him that I want things my way and I wanted them now then he certainly would have put me in my place.

God is the same way… He is just like our Father. We can go to Him and He will be gentle with us, but we certainly cannot tell Him how to do His job. We can cry and whine all we want and tell Him that we deserve this or we deserve that. God is not one to answer to demands. He is one to hold us and love us. He is ready and waiting for any circumstance that we are facing.

While I am in this waiting pattern to get results from the PET scan, I have felt like yelling and screaming and telling God how I want the outcome to be. I can’t though… I know He will help me with whatever the outcome will be. My sister Laura said it best today when she text me and said, “We will deal with whatever they tell you.” I know I have so many people praying for me and for my sweet hubby and kiddos. I don’t know what God has planned for me, but I know as my Father He will love me and care for me and He will guide me gently through this storm.

Are you like a kid throwing tantrums sometimes because life isn’t going your way? God says be still and know that I am God. We don’t need to tell Him how to run our lives, He has everything under control. He still hears our prayers and will answer in His time.

Psalms 46:10  He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,  I will be exalted in the earth.”

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Prayer Needed!

thMCBO9EP0

This will be short and sweet. That big thing in that picture is a Pet scan machine. They have moved my scan up to tomorrow at noon because there is a reason to think the cancer may have spread to my lymph nodes. I’m nervous as this has been “THE SCAN” that has been talked about since the beginning of the year. We will see if the tumor has shrunk and what else is going on in my body.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if they looked at it and wouldn’t find a trace of cancer? Oh y’all have no idea how my Pentecostal side would come out! I would be hooping and hollering and there may or may not be some dancing in the halls. 😉 I will continue to praise God no matter the outcome! I don’t know how people without God can go through things like this. I am so glad I can go to Him and pray for strength when I don’t have much else to cling to.

I appreciate everything that you all have done for me and my family over the past 6 months. I couldn’t have made it without you. I continue to covet your prayers! Especially being in that tube tomorrow! Lord have mercy it’s small and I am claustrophobic! We are hoping to have the results by Friday. Thank you again everyone and keep those prayers coming my way!

Matthew 21:22  And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

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