that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

I Won’t Give Up!!

on April 4, 2014

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I laid down on my husbands legs and closed my eyes. Neither of us said a word as we listened. The waves were crashing over and over against the shore line, the breeze was gentle and the birds were singing. The fog was rolling in off the water and we kept hearing the distant sounds of tug boat and freighter horns. We couldn’t see them, but they were making it clear that they were out there. We sat in silence for a while and just took it all in. The beach has always been my peace, it’s encouragement to my soul and breath in my lungs. Somehow life doesn’t seem that hard when I hear those waves and feel the warm sand between my toes.

This week has been tough. I’m not going to share it on here yet as I won’t know for sure until we get the scan done. I had to go to the hospital yesterday and get my tube replaced as the other one was starting to come out again. We saw something else on the screen that did not look promising and I am trying not to get to worked up until we know for sure. I called my Doctor to fill her in on what was going on and she told me that she was also concerned about something else that is pretty major going on in my body right now. Since January I have been dealing with infection after infection. Most of these have been completely normal and go along with cervical cancer. However at the beginning of March I came down with a pretty nasty bladder infection. We have tried antibiotic after antibiotic and so far none of them have been able to wipe this thing out of me.

This past Monday I went in to give yet another urine sample to see if the new antibiotic has worked. My Doctor told me that I have dangerously high levels of a certain type of bacteria in my body. They cannot figure out where it is coming from and why they can’t get rid of it. She is consulting my urologist and they will talk, but she said more than likely I will have to be hospitalized next week to get an IV of straight antibiotics into my system as she is concerned that this bacteria will get into my blood stream and could be deadly. It’s all very scary and I don’t know what to think of it all. I won’t lie, I have ask God why He is allowing so much bad stuff to happen. Isn’t it enough for me to have cancer that I shouldn’t have to deal with so many other things on top of that?

It’s hard for me to keep my chin up when bad news after bad news keeps being dumped on me. I know God has a plan for me and I say that over and over, but it’s getting harder for me to try and see that plan. Can anyone else understand that feeling?

Sitting on that beach today with Darin, I felt at peace for the first time this entire week. I like to think sometimes that God made the ocean for me. He knew that I would need that peace in my heart and my mind. Regardless of how many times I ask, He isn’t telling me what His plan is right now, but He has provided the peace of the ocean to me to help me through times like this. That may sound strange for some of you, but to me it makes perfect sense. Some take drugs to relax, I put on flip flops and head to the beach.

Today my future looks a little scary, but I can’t give up. It’s a little harder because I feel like all of this is never going to end, but I can’t give up. As much as it hurts and sometimes the tears won’t stop, I can’t give up…

Are you going through something that you feel will never end? Don’t give up! God may not answer in your time, but He will certainly answer in His time!

Psalms 121 7-8 The Lord will keep you from all harm he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore

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One response to “I Won’t Give Up!!

  1. Sherry says:

    The LORD was going before them in a pillar of cloud by day to lead them on the way, and in a pillar of fire by night to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. Exodus 13:21
    Sarah, I am reminded that just as the Israelites followed a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, they did not know what the plan was or what the end of this journey was going to be. They were just called to be faithful and trust that God knows all about it. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet still believe.
    Sarah, you are doing a great job going through this. Keep the connection going. Keep the faith. Don’t let anything come between you and Father God.
    Stay in that Peace that flows as you experienced the waters and the sand and from the blood of Jesus’s wounds.
    I Love you.

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