that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

God? Are you there?

on May 4, 2014

crying_eye_by_ilsert

I remember the first time I questioned God…

 

Those of you who truly know me know that I am not a fan of cats. I will let you in on a little secret though, I used to be. His name was Sylvester, but we named him Silly for short. My Dad is a much better story teller than I ever will be and he tells this story so good, but I will try to make it bearable for you. 😉 We lived on 53 1/2 acres and many people would drop off the unwanted pets near or on our land in hopes of it finding a better home. We are not sure if someone dropped this cat off or if he just found his way to our land. Either way we woke up one morning and he was sitting on our porch. Dad said no more animals! He took him about a mile down the road and dropped him off. The next morning when we went outside, there sat this cat on our porch looking at us. Dad shook his head and said no, no, no! He drove him about 5 miles down the road and dropped him off. You guessed it, the next morning there sat this cat on our front porch.

Dad had it and took the cat literally across town and said no way is he coming back now. A few days passed and when we woke up and went outside, comically that cat was sitting on the porch almost like he was smiling. Dad said, I give up! He told mom do not feed it! If he knows we aren’t going to feed him then he will go away to find food. Well Mom being the tenderhearted person she was certainly wasn’t going to let a critter go hungry so she snuck a little food on the porch that night after Dad left for work. Dad came home the next morning and saw that the cat was still there. He told us kids, do not name it! He isn’t staying! Well it was too late for that. Silly was already coming to us when we called him. Fast forward and you will see that Silly became our pet cat. He was one very fat and happy cat! He was only an outdoor cat as Dad wasn’t a fan of critters in the house. (Unless it was very cold or snowy and Mom would let him in the house) He kept the mice away and Dad would even pet him once in awhile. When I was 12 silly had been our pet for many, many years. I went out on the porch to feed him and usually as soon as the door opened he would come running. This particular morning I yelled and yelled, but Silly never came. I went inside and told Mom that something must be wrong because Silly didn’t come for his food.

We never saw him that day or the next. Dad worked midnight shift and I was a hot mess crying all the blessed time for that cat! So Mom told me I could come in and sleep with her. I laid there and cried wondering if he was cold or scared. Mom would always sing to us at night and she started singing this song:

IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU’RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I’LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.

I’m not sure why she sang that particular song, but it was comforting enough to put me to sleep. A few days later we found Silly in the back lot. She had passed on to her time in the sky. Dad pulled a crate out of his barn and we put Silly in there and buried her along the woods. I remember sitting in my room that night crying and I questioned God, Why did you have to take my cat? Why couldn’t you let him die when we were around so he wouldn’t be scared? I was angry and upset that God took him.

I have questioned God many times since that poor old cat. When my grandparents died, when my Mom died, when friends have died… so many questions! I have learned over the years to try and not question God to much. I’m not sure if it’s because my faith is stronger now or what, but I have learned to have peace about things a little more than what I used too. Today though I found myself questioning God… It’s been a long, hard winter and I look at it as if I had to be sick then it was fine to be sick during the winter. Cold, snowy, rainy days were fine because I knew I could be sick in pj’s in the house and I wasn’t missing anything outside.

The weather has changed and I am loving it. I was made to be outside! I always say God made summer because He knew I would need it to thrive! It’s almost here and all I can do is feel sorry for myself. I’m still sick, I still am battling infections, I still have this tube!! I look at our empty pool everyday and I wonder if I haven’t filled it back up yet because I can’t enjoy it or I just haven’t gotten around to it. As long as I have this tube, I can’t enjoy swimming in the pool, I can’t enjoy wading out in the surf at the beach to throw my fishing line out, I can’t pull my beach chair up to the surf and let it wash over me as my kids run around playing. Today I had it, I sat in my room and cried out to God, why haven’t you healed me completely yet? Why do I still have this stupid tube?? Why am I still dealing with all these infections? Haven’t I had enough God? Do you hear me?? God? Please I know you can hear me… I can’t do it alone, please God… help me.

I admit I was angry and a wee bit bitter. I sat there quietly and within a minute that song that I haven’t thought of in years came in my head… In His time, In His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time… Yes God, I hear you…

He is doing something in me, He is making beauty out of this mess. I can’t see it  and I’m not sure if anyone else can yet, but something good will come of this. Am I still upset that I have this tube and infections? YES! I don’t know how long I will have to wait, but when all this is over and I look back, I will see that God did something amazing and beautiful and through all my tears, hurting and pain He will make it all new again.

Do you ever feel like God dropped you off somewhere and you are lost or forgotten? God will never forget you! He loves us so much and wants the best for us. We may not see His handiwork right now, but when we least expect it, He will show us what He has been working on. Draw close to Him and He will direct our paths in His time

 

Psalms 88:1-2  O LORD, God of my salvation,
when, at night, I cry out in your presence,
let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry.

 

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One response to “God? Are you there?

  1. Sharon Albright says:

    Amen!

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