that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

What is your Fear?

on May 6, 2014

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Worse then the tube, worse then the infections, worse then the cancer… Anxiety! If you have never experienced it, then I have to say you are truly blessed! I never knew what it was until my sweet Mama passed from breast cancer. The fear that I felt was so bad that some times I didn’t know whether I would throw up or pass out. It got so bad I had to go see a shrink to try and talk me through why I felt so much fear. He prescribed me the highest dosage of Zanex and told me to take 3 a day… After 2 weeks I came pretty close to jumping off a local bridge. Come to find out I was allergic and should have never been given that particular pill. I never went back to him and prayed to God that if He would help me then I would never try to rely on a pill to fix my anxiety again.

I started writing verses about fear and taping them to mirrors, nightstands, walls, light switches. Everywhere I looked I had verses to encourage me. The struggle was hard because I wanted to run and hide all the time. I didn’t want to be around anyone or go anywhere. It would have to be one of the toughest times of my life! I still struggle with anxiety, but no where near as bad as it was 6 years ago. That is until I found out I had cancer. . .

The thoughts that flood my head sometimes would be enough to make anyone cry. I have tried to be upbeat, encouraging and funny through this journey. I have tried to put on a good game face for everyone. I haven’t wanted anyone to see my low points, the times I am in pain or the times when I just can’t seem to stop crying. Lately it seems to have gotten worse. Even though I have had good news that this large thing is shrinking in my body, I still can’t get past the thoughts of, what if it comes back even worse? What if I have to deal with these infections for the rest of my life? What if I have to have this tube for the rest of my life? What if I only live for another 5 years which is the projected life span for those with my stage? What if I never see my kids graduate or get married? What if I never get the privilege of rocking my grandbabies to sleep?… The list goes on and on and I work myself into a point where I can barely breathe because I am so scared of what might or might not happen?

I don’t understand anxiety and I honestly don’t think I ever will. I think it’s something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.  It has been hitting me hard lately and frankly I am worn down, I feel almost like I don’t want to involve myself in things because I don’t want to be around people. I can’t let myself get to that point though.

A dear friend of mine called me today to see if I wanted to go do some gardening stuff with her. We had such a good time and I have to say I laughed more today then I have in a long time! Of course gardening is my favorite hobby and anytime I can find a way to get my fingers through some wonderful dirt is therapeutic for me. It was exactly what I needed and I am so glad that God put her back in my life and we are having a wonderful time catching up with each other!

Those are things you need to do if you suffer from anxiety. You have to force yourself to leave the house and be with people that you know love you! God didn’t make us to be alone! So many of you have been such a blessing to me through this journey. You have kept me out of my comfort zone. You have come to visit, sent me beautiful cards and gifts and I can’t thank you enough for keeping me from crawling in my shell and staying there feeling sorry for myself. I am praying tonight that God takes this anxiety from me and makes me feel whole again. Having cancer is bad enough that I don’t want to think of all of these, “what if’s” on top of that.

What are you dealing with tonight that has you questioning the what if’s? It’s so easy to tell everyone that you want to be alone and try to deal with it by yourself. God placed people in your life to love you and want to help you carry the burden. Give it to Him then step out of your comfort zone and allow others to walk with you and encourage you.

2 Timothy 1:7  For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind

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One response to “What is your Fear?

  1. Sharon Albright says:

    Anxiety! I have battled with this at different periods in my life. Only those that have, know what a horrible thing it is to fear.. Medication at times may be necessary and may help, but to get the answers to why we fear we must seek God’s direction and just give all our fear to Him. This is not as easy to do as it is to say. How thankful that I am that God does not give up on us when we feel like giving up on ourselves. Keep trusting in Him and enjoy your life. Your are loved! I am praying!

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