that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Clear Waters

on May 28, 2014

pool-cleaner-1

I wrote earlier this year about how yucky and green our pool was. We decided to drain it and start from scratch. You just can’t pick up a pool and dump it over to get all the yuckies out. Last month after we drained it I got in there with a bottle of cleaner and a scrub brush and scrubbed all the green stuff out, but there was still just a little bit that no matter how much we did it just wouldn’t drain all the way.

This weekend when we got home we started filling the pool back up and treating it. After it got about a foot of water in it, I started to vacuum it to try and get the rest of the nasty stuff out of it. When I was done, the water was still a little cloudy so I dumped a bag of shock in it and let it sit. A few hours later I looked and more stuff had settled on the bottom. I got back in and vacuumed again but still the water was cloudy. I made a whirlpool so all the stuff would settle in the middle and added another bag of shock and went to bed.

Today I went out and checked and although better the water was still a bit cloudy. It’s also deep enough now to run the filter so I climbed in and made sure that it wasn’t to deep that it would touch my tube. I vacuumed one last time and with the help of the filter, shock and chlorine it now looks like a pool is supposed to look.

In a round about way I feel like that pool… I have prayed and prayed for healing. Others have prayed for healing for me, but yet things really haven’t changed. Even though my PET scan said the tumor has shrunk, unfortunately I have been feeling worse and worse. From a set back of sepsis to other infections and issues with my tube. I don’t understand why, but just like that cloudy pool water my body just refuses to get better.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. As much as I want this tube gone I will be at the hospital tomorrow morning to get it changed out for a new one. I know when my kids keep asking me question after question it starts to bug me a little and I think does God feel that same way when we keep coming to him over and over with the same issues? I’m tired of asking as much as I’m sure He is tired of hearing!

I know that cancer is a major illness and it takes sometimes years to overcome, but I just want to be done with it all. I miss feeling good, I miss swimming, I miss people looking at me without pity in their eyes. I miss not having a mountain of medical bills staring at me and most of all I just miss having energy.

I’m hoping to get some answers at my Dr. appointment on Thursday morning as to why I’m feeling this bad. I’m a little scared as to what my future holds, but just like the cloudy pool water, I’m praying everything clears up and I will start to feel better and move on from this cloud that has been hanging over me.

I hope and pray that whatever you are facing today will work it’s way through to what is best for you. God does have all the answers and although it can be so frustrating as to why we have to suffer and go through things, He is there to help us through the bad times. I know that even though I come to Him often, I couldn’t have gone through any of this without Him.

James 1:2-4  Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

 

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