that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?

on May 29, 2014

church

Right now I seriously need to feel close to God… I guess the proper place for me to write then would be sitting in a pew at my church listening to my son Caleb practice on the drums with the praise band for Sunday morning services. I close my eyes for a moment and try to relax, but tonight it’s just not working.

When I started this blog I told you that I would be open and truthful and sometimes even raw with what I share. Tonight it’s going to be raw. There may not be any life lesson or an “aha moment,” It’s just going to be me sharing with you. It’s going to be long and we may need to take a intermission potty break, but the only thing I ask is when you are done, that you would pray like you have never prayed before because I seriously am going to need it. Pass this onto your friends and family and tell them to share it and pray some more!

Ever since last month I have felt “off.” Ever felt like that? Like something just isn’t right. I tried to put it off because seriously y’all I obviously am going to feel off because there is not a doggone thing right with me and hasn’t been for a while! Last Wednesday after a immense amount of stress from a bully situation with my son at school I felt terrible! Caleb has been getting bullied by this little punk and he has punched Caleb on more then one occasion and then the cops and other parents got involved and I usually being the level headed person allowed myself to get REALLLLLY angry and ended up going off on the parents and not really showing my Christian side. :/

This went on for at least 2 hours and by the time I got back in the truck I was doubled over in pain. Darin was out of town and I honestly did not know what to do. I was not supposed to be bleeding anymore and when I got home I realized I was… badly! It scared me so much! It only lasted for 2 hours then went away as quickly as it came on. However the cramping that followed it up kept me up all night doubled over wondering what was wrong with me.

I figured it had to do with the stress of what had happened at the school and prayed that God would just relieve the cramps long enough till Darin got back in town and I could get to the Dr. The next morning I called the Dr. and left a couple of messages. Finally she called me back and told me I need to make an appointment with my main oncologist. She is my radiation oncologist and I like dealing with her a lot more than my regular oncologist because she is a woman. ūüėČ The cramping kept on and this morning I went to see my oncologist.

He did an exam which put me in tears… He told me to get dressed and he would be in afterwards to talk. He asked me if I was by myself and I told him Darin was on the way and he said he would wait until Darin got there… Obviously bad news was to follow.

When he sat down he was quite serious and told me after studying my pet scan from April he wants to do a radical hysterectomy as soon as possible. I have been wanting this so bad and with a smile I said let’s do it! He looked at me and said you might want to wait until you hear what I have to say… Oh I didn’t realize there was more. He thinks that the tumor is starting to grow a little hence the pain I have been in. We knew that would happen, but we didn’t know it would happen this quickly! He said the surgery is a very dangerous surgery because I have so much working against me.

The scar tissue from my appendix rupturing when I was a teenager, the 2 C-sections and the radiation has left tons of scar tissue and it has made things dangerous for him. My anemia is working against me, my weight is working against me, on and on he went down the list of everything that is working against me. It was harsh and had me in tears within a few minutes. He told me that if I didn’t have the surgery that death is inevitable and would come quickly as this tumor has made it’s choice of how quickly it wants to grow.

If I do have the surgery which is normally a 2 hour surgery for most will be at least a 4+ hour surgery for me.¬†¬†He told me that there is a huge chance that I may make it through the surgery with a long life, but I may be left with a colostomy bag… At that moment I rebuked him in the name of Jesus!!!! NO MORE TUBES PLEASE!!!!! He will have to rebuild my ureter that was crushed from the tumor and then I will finally be able to get my nephrostomy bag out!!! Can I get an AMEN!?!

On the other side of thing… I am scared!!! I came home and cried… I didn’t know what to say, I was happy, I was angry and frankly terrified. I went and had my hair done and if y’all don’t have a hair dresser that will pray blessings over you then I don’t know what to tell you!! My sweet friend has been doing my hair for almost 13 years, but we have been friends for almost 15 years! She let me bear my soul to her and then one of her friends who is a psychiatrist came over and they laid hands¬†on me right there in that chair with my head full of foils and prayed the sweetest prayer over me. That was all God!!

I came home and fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up I felt that fear again. I went upstairs to change to bring Caleb to practice and Montana to tutoring. My Mama loved cardinals and every time I see one I always think of Mom watching over me. I leaned on the window sill and looked out towards the garden and just at that moment a cardinal landed on the fence around the garden. Instantly that song, God will take care of you came in my head and I knew that Mom was giving me a little push to get over the fear.

I am waiting for the scheduler to contact me tomorrow, but this surgery could be as quick as Monday… like this coming Monday!¬†If not then it will be within the next 2 weeks. Honestly I am hoping for Monday so we can get this done and I don’t have time to dwell on this! It’s a 2 to 4 week recovery if all goes well with a laparoscopic surgery. If¬†anything goes wrong then¬†he will have to cut me from one end to the next and then it turns into a 2 to 4 month recovery! Lord have mercy on my summer and let me enjoy it!!!!

I do have to share the name of this surgery though… It is the only thing that has kept me laughing. My sweet hubby is from a German descent and he says¬†oofta a lot. When I saw the¬†name of the surgery I had to laugh, it’s called, Robotically Assisted Radical Hysterectomy, bilateral Salpingo Oophorectomy, Cystoscopy with placement of bilateral ureteral stents. Say that one a few times!!! Somehow the word Oophorectomy struck me a funny… It the little things folks, just the little things. I’m grasping here ūüėČ

I know this has been long, but I needed to let you know how serious this surgery is, but NOTHING is to big for my God! Nothing is out of reach for Him and He has not brought me this far to have something go wrong! Yes I have a ton of stuff working against me, but I serve a big God and I know that our prayers do not go unheard! He can guide that surgeons hand and this will be a piece of cake when God guides. I know just like the song, He will take care of me and I have nothing to fear.

Thank you for walking this journey with me and for your prayers! They have been felt and loved! Please share this with your friends and family, your churches and anyone who believes in prayer. I have to make it through this surgery! I have to watch my kiddos grow up and graduate, I have to see them walk down the aisle and I have to feel the skin of my grandkids as they wrap there sweet little arms around me. God has got this!!!!

Joshua 1:9¬†This is my command‚ÄĒbe strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

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12 responses to “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?

  1. Laura Blank says:

    Hi Sarah, you don’t know me, but your sister does, and I’ve been reading your blog and praying for you for quite some time now. I don’t have any great words of wisdom or advice, but please know that I am praying for you, for your complete healing, for God to guide the surgeon’s hands, for every last piece of nasty cancer to flee from your body, for every last ounce of fear to be squashed by Jesus, and for you to have a complete recovery and a very long, joyful, and fulfilled life! I pray this in Jesus’ name, Amen! Also, I live in the Chesapeake area, so if you need something or don’t have anyone to help you out with something, anything, anytime, I am more than willing to lend a hand. Keeping you in my prayers! Your sister in Christ,
    Laura Blank

  2. dpu904 says:

    Love you babe! Your stronger then you give yourself credit for but In Christ can we only be pulled the miry clay

  3. Nina says:

    Sarah you got this…God is on your side……..get the surgery done and let the healing begin….love you my favorite “B”

  4. Gwenn says:

    Hello sweet soul- I don’t know you personally, I clicked on a friends link sharing your blog link. I am praying for you and your loved ones. ūüôŹ I hope and pray that your procedure goes smoothly and miracles of ease occur during this procedure. I hope this goes so successfully that you regain your health. Blessings and love- Gwenn

  5. Shelley Heironimus says:

    Sarah,

    I don’t know if you remember me from our childhood but my maiden name is Greenfield. You are such an amazing Godly woman and true inspiration to me. This made me think of the lyrics to a song. “When I am weak you make me strong, when I am blind you shine your eyes on me, cause I will never get by living on my own ability.” So many times I myself think how strong I am but it’s not strength but my pride getting in the way. I only have strength through Jesus Christ our Lord. Please know that I have been praying for you and your family and will continue to do so. God is so good! May he lay his healing hands on you and guide the doctors. Take care!

  6. Ashley says:

    Hi! You don’t know me, but I have been following your blog a bit from a link shared through your friend. As I read this, it brings me to tears, but then a God reminded me of an awesome song, I think you’d love and perfect for you now! “You Make Me Brave” by Amanda Cook/Bethel Music. Take a listen on YouTube when you have a couple minutes
    God bless you!!

  7. I finally listened to the song last night and I LOVE it!! I love Bethel music and have listened to Jenn Johnson and Kim Walker Smith for a while! I had to download the song. Thank you for sharing it with me! I thank you for your prayers!!

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