that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

What Mask are you Wearing?

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I remember the first time I saw a clown… To be honest with you I am still deathly afraid of clowns! I don’t think they are funny, cute, friendly or any of the above, I seriously would have a heart attack if I had to be up close to a clown. It was at VBS for our church and I remember this family would come in and conduct our VBS each year. They drove this huge old suburban packed full of puppets, costumes, backdrops and a huge treasure chest full of prizes.

The guy who was in charge would put a mask on before he came in the sanctuary and he would be a clown. Most of the kids loved it, I spent most of my time hiding under the pew. One night I was out in the foyer and I saw the guy heading into the bathroom and was peeling off the mask. It freaked me out, but I noticed he wasn’t smiling under that mask with the painted on smile.

At the end of the week the family would pack up and move on to the next church, but the fear of clowns and their mask has never left me. When I think of that I think about how many mask we all wear daily. I know I wear one regularly… I hate to admit it, but I don’t always walk around with a smile. Many, many people ask me daily, “How are you doing Sarah”? With a huge smile, I usually answer, Oh I am just fine, doing good, thumbs up…

Man I am a terrible liar! To be honest with you, the pain is sometimes unbearable. The cramping from the growth of cancer sometimes feels like I am giving birth with no drugs. However, I am so quick to put on that mask and say, I’m just fine! You see I have always been one to do for myself. My life theme has been, if you want something done the only person who is going to do it right is me! I am so independent that people have ask me all through this journey if they can help with this or help with that and I say no because I think I am lowering myself by letting someone else do something that I should be doing.

I am wearing that mask that I hate so much. I don’t want people making me meals or cleaning my house. I don’t want anyone driving me to treatments or taking care of our kids. I hate that mask of pride! That’s all it is… pure pride. Last week I was very sick and I have been fighting yet another infection for a little over a week. I probably should have checked myself into the hospital, but my Dad is here and I didn’t want to spend our time in the hospital. I don’t get to see him that much, so I wanted to be around while he is here. So I pushed through the pain and taking my antibiotics and started cleaning our home in preparation for Dad’s visit.

My sweet friend ask me what she could do to help me get things ready. I told her I had everything under control. (Insert wearing that mask) She was persistent in helping so finally I told her if she wanted to come over that I just had the basics to do, sweeping, dusting and just straightening things up.  She said she was coming over and no lie y’all, I broke out in a cold sweat!! I started to rush around and try to get as many things cleaned up as possible before she got there even though she was coming to help me clean. I know, makes no sense at all!!

She got there and I let her dust and sweep and felt so bad about it the entire time! It was the first time in my life that I had allowed any of my friends to help me around our home and it was humbling! I have come to the realization that I have to take off my mask. I’m not okay, I am weak and I am in pain and most of all I need help! When we were done cleaning I realized how wonderful it was to have that help. We laughed together and it kept my mind off of the pain that I was in.

Slowly I am learning that people do really want to help and I just have to let go of my pride, take off that mask and allow others inside my bubble. I need to continue smiling even under my mask knowing that others are there for not just me, but for Darin and the kids. I do thank all of you that have helped us since last September. I know I haven’t allowed to many to help out, but with this aggressive chemo coming up, I don’t know how my body will react, so don’t be surprised if you ask me if you can help and I take off my mask and say, yes!

What kind of mask are you wearing tonight? Are you just like that clown and frowning under your mask? It’s so hard to allow people to see the real us. Whether it’s pretending we are someone that we are not or just telling everyone that you are okay, even when you know that you are not. God wants us to show ourselves to be friendly. Allow others to help you, be real to those who ask you how you are doing. Take the mask off and be the beautiful person that God made you to be. You are never alone in this life!

P.S. That about made me break out my nerve pills just to add that clown picture above!!

Proverbs 18:24

A man that hath friends must show himself friendly,

and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

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Thoughts from my Daddy!

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As promised, here is the guest post written by my Dad. Literally… He wrote it out in pen and I get the pleasure of typing it up because he doesn’t know how to use a computer and still uses his old typewriter daily. 😉 I hope this blesses you as much as it blessed me and make sure you have tissues handy!!

 

My daughter Sarah asked me to write a guest post on her blog. She wanted me to share with you my feelings on her situation with cancer…

Where does a man start to write a blog when he has seen 70 years of his life go by? My accomplishments have been many, my tasks have been completed and my life has been blessed. I lost my firstborn to cancer in 1977. Lisa being our first child, was very special. She lived for one thing and one thing only and that was school. Even if she was sick with a cold she would fake being well just so she would not miss school. In fact, she had the school bug so bad that even during summer breaks do you know what she liked doing the most? You guessed it, she loved to PLAY school! The only bad part of this was the other kids were her pupils and they did not know enough to quit. 😉

One day Lisa said, “Mommy, can I stay home today, I don’t feel good.” We didn’t think much about it, after all every child has a moment when they don’t feel good. On the next day, Lisa made the same request and Dru and I felt we should take her to the Dr. just to have her checked out. He showed signs of concern and did a whole battery of test. The very next day in the evening he called the house to tell us to be in his office at 6 am. I immediately felt something was wrong as no Dr. wants to see a patient at 6 am.

After being seated, he then dropped a bomb on us when he said, “Lisa is already in the advanced stages of cancer and I will make arrangements at Children’s Hospital in Washington, D.C.” Our world was shattered, our thoughts were confused, our minds were so mixed up, we thought they would never work properly again. Oh God, we cried, where did we go wrong? What caused this cancer to come about Surely you will heal her, won’t you Lord? After we ran out of questions, then the tears started to flow. At the tender age of 10 years old, Lisa went home to be with the Lord. It took a long time to get over losing a daughter. I have a picture of her in my office and every time I look at it, I will sit and remember all that we did in those 10 years.

Actually you never really get over losing a loved one, as the pain is always there. I had a friend tell me, “You’ll get over it”… That was the first time I felt like putting a knot on someone’s head. In all honesty, you NEVER get over losing a loved one. The pain may get less, but it’s always there.

From the time Lisa died, all I ever heard was cancer, cancer and more cancer. It was like people never died of any other illness, only cancer. One day I seen my loving wife take hold of her arm like she was in pain. I decided to not say a word as she did not see me looking at her. Then it happened again and again. After supper on evening, we sat in our rocking chairs on the deck and just talked about the events of the day. Wanting to say something funny and since she had not yet started rocking, I asked her, “Honey would you want me to show you how to get your rocker started?” We both had a good laugh over this and then I looked at her eyes, held her hand and then kissed her.

It was then that I told her I have seen her in pain and what was wrong with her. Knowing Dru would never lie, yet never let herself get into a verbal jam, she said, “Honey, I guess I’m just getting old.” She then immediately changed the subject. Dru knew something that I didn’t. She knew a secret and she wasn’t going to share it with me or anyone else.

Dru and I shared 42 wonderful, blessed, anointed, and loving years of marriage together. They were special years for us both. Do you know what made them so special? It was a verse of scripture that told us to NEVER let the sun go down upon our wrath and we didn’t. I worked 2 to 3 jobs just about every day of my life and I can assure you that when I went to bed, I was tired! BUT if there was any ought between Dru and I, there was no sleep for either of us until things were settled under the blood of Christ. So for 42 years, we did just what that verse of scripture told us to do.

Little by little, Dru seemed to get worse, yet she never let on the anything was wrong. She was just her ole loving self. Then before I knew it, she was in the living room of my oldest daughter Laura’s home under the loving care of hospice. Laura also took such wonderful, loving care of her Mother. Dru was in want of nothing. By this time, I have heard the word cancer so many times it made me sick!

However I knew the Lord was going to heal Dru. On the morning of her last day, I was about 6 inches from her face when she drew her last breath. Even then, my thoughts were, “Okay Lord, show us your power and might, show us how you did all those healings and miracles in your word. Please Lord, don’t let me down, I have told so many people that you were going to heal Dru, show us Lord.” :Dru, wake up!! Please Dru wake up!! Please Honey… don’t leave me.” But Dru was gone. She was now living in a new home.

The home that my Lord Jesus had built for her. Forty-two years has come to an end. I sat in a daze as they moved Dru’s body to the hearse. Then hospice came and took the bed and everything also that belonged to them. The area was cleaned and before long, it was like nothing ever happened. My thoughts now turned to the Lord and I asked Him, “Why Lord, Why? Why did you allow her to die? Why couldn’t you just touch her  and she would be healed? I just don’t understand things anymore!”

Of all the years of serving the Lord, I spent 36 of them as a minister and a prison chaplain. I guess I thought this would get me some special recognition from the Lord… No way!! I just sat and was troubled over my thoughts and mixed feelings. It was the night of the funeral and I had just got into bed. All of a sudden I felt like I was not alone. I looked around the room and this overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort came over me. I heard this inner voice say to me, “I have it all under control.” I cried my heart out and I felt peace everywhere.

I had so many questions, “What was I going to do with my life, How was I going to handle being alone, was I ever going to remarry?” The questions kept coming. Finally that inner voice spoke again and said, “Go to sleep, I have it all under control.”

Nine months ago, I received a phone call from Sarah and said through tears, “Daddy, I have cancer.” Oh Lord, Dear God, not again!!! Please, I beg you not to take Sarah from Me!! Lord, how much more can a father take? How many more times must I hear the word cancer? Surrender? NO!! Give up?? NEVER!!! Back off?? NO!! Run away from it all? Absolutely not!! Fight and pray against this cancer with the Lord in control? You better believe it!! I have been a fighter all my life, going through more surgeries then one body should ever go through, so why should I quit now? Sarah is just like me and has been a scrapper all her life, a fighter and she has a will to fight through this.

Sarah is no different then Lisa or Dru. I prayed for them and I will pray for her. I know my Jesus will hear me. Will He heal Sarah? Yes, He will. You see, if He doesn’t heal her here on earth, He will heal her in Heaven. Scripture tells us, there will be no sickness, no pain, no missing limbs and no suffering what so ever! WOW, that’s for me!!

So where do I go from here… I’ll tell you, right into the arms of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Will He take Sarah home with Him? I don’t know. Will He heal her? I don’t know, but I am praying He will. Many of you assured me that you are praying for Sarah. Please don’t stop. There is such power and might in prayer.

In fact in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 it tells us, to pray without ceasing! When I first read this shortly after being saved ages ago, I thought, How can I do this as I need time to eat, work and do other things. I went to my pastor about this and he explained that it meant to be in an attitude of prayer. I like that, I now understood. Please join me in an attitude of prayer, not only for Sarah, but for everyone that is suffering with this horrible disease.

Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you. Let us together, desire in our hearts to stand strong for Christ and we will be amazed at what He will do not only for Sarah, but for many others as well. In closing please allow me to share two things with you.

1. Psalms 34:3 Oh magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together! We can do this and when we do, blessings will flow.

2. The second thing I want to share with you, is the Lord has told me, He has it all under control!!

God bless you all now and always,

Reverand Tom “Big T” Misiewicz

 

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Lost in a Sea of Thoughts

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Sometimes I sit down to write and I just stare at the screen… I watch the blinking cursor almost like it’s mocking me. Tonight seems to be one of those nights. Don’t get me wrong I have enough stuff running through my head to write out 4 books, but none of those words wants to come to the screen tonight…

I had my follow up appointment with my Dr. today and after waiting almost 2 weeks to get to this point, I still left with the same feeling… anxiety. The good news is it’s not in my bones or blood, but it is in lymph nodes. As soon as we get back from our trip I have to get a medi port put in my chest and I have to start chemo all in the same week. If my cancer responds to the chemo, I could have 3-4 years, if my cancer does not respond to the chemo then I maybe have a year.

I don’t even know how to respond to this news. Even the best case scenario is still not good enough. 3-4 years is not long enough. Montana would only be 17. They are still babies and would not be old enough to be without a Mama. I sat here tonight and watched all 3 of the kids play in the yard and laughing as kids should on summer break. I thought if my body doesn’t respond what will make them laugh this time next year. I don’t want them to feel hurt and pain. I know I can’t guard them from it because it’s part of life, but it’s going to hurt them so bad and it’s out of my control.

I have already talked to God when I got home… I told Him that only He knows what the plan for my life is. Only He is the one that can fix this situation. I honestly have lived a good life. I was so blessed to marry a man that is truly my best friend, We were blessed 3 times with beautiful, healthy kids who are our life! I was blessed to grow up in a large family with 2 amazing parents who loved each other and truly lived out the “till death do us part” line. I have been blessed with amazing friends and a great church. So much I have that I have been blessed with… but I want to be selfish and say, not yet God, just a little bit longer God. I know where I am going to go when I die, but I’m not ready to give up on this life yet.

One year is not that long, 3-4 years is not that long. I pray, what can I do God for you to bring a miracle to me. Can I promise you things? Can I barter with you? Can I plead with you? But He says, Patience is a virtue that I need to learn. I can’t dwell on my future, I can’t dwell on my past. I can only live and enjoy everyday that I am able to open my eyes and look at my beautiful family and thank God for one more day.

It’s never the news that anyone wants to hear, but just like the last blog, I know I am blessed because I have time to say my goodbyes. I am still hoping, trusting, believing and praying that God would bring a miracle in my life, but if He doesn’t then I have to accept the fact that at least He blessed me with close to 40 years on this earth and for the most part I have enjoyed it.

My Dad is in town this week and I hope you continue to share and read my blog because my Dad is going to write a guest blog post while he is here and he has already got a lot of it put together and you will not want to miss it! I have talked many times about both my parents on here and you will hear things from his point of view that will bring tears to your eyes.

Stop what you are doing tonight and look around at what you have been blessed with. Whether it’s a spouse, beautiful children, a nice home, friends that make you laugh, whatever it is take a moment to thank God for all you have. You never know when it could slip through your hands and be taken away. If you were to leave this earth tonight, do you honestly know where you would be going? Just because you are a good person won’t get you into Heaven. Talk to God and invite Him into your heart. We never know when our last breath will be.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.

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I am Blessed!!!

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I had a friend in high school who went out for the evening and never made it home. His car went off the side of the road, flipped down an embankment and slammed into a tree… It was one of the worst moments that I can remember in high school. He never got a chance to say goodbye to his parent, his grandparents, his brother, his friends. He just went out and never came home. I remember going to the funeral and his poor Mama sitting just screaming, why God, why? I don’t understand God, Why did you take my baby? It was so painful to watch her raw emotions come to surface in front of so many.

I have lost other friends over the years, but this one always stuck in my mind because I was asking the same thing. He only had his license for 2 weeks and he was so young. I didn’t understand why God took him, but He did and I would no longer walk those halls in school with him. I would no longer hang out in his garage while he attempted to be the next Jimi Hendrix on the guitar.

Over the years I have always wondered why people had to be taken so suddenly. Without notice, without preparation and sometimes in the loneliest of matters when they end up taking there own lives. The people left behind hurt so bad and they start questioning themselves. Life can be so unfair and we will never be able to answer those never ending questions that loom over us.

When I think of my situation, I hope this doesn’t sound like I am rubbing it in everyone’s face because that is not my intention at all, but I feel so very blessed. I am hoping and praying that God gives me a miracle or at least quite a few more years. However I know it will happen and I feel blessed because I get a chance to say my goodbyes, I get a chance to prepare our children, I get a chance to travel and see friends and family. Not many others have that opportunity and I hurt for them and the ones they left behind, but in the same breath I am thanking God for this chance to finalize life.

Next week we will be starting a 2 week road trip all the way to Iowa and back, but stopping in Indiana, Kansas City, St. Louis, Nashville and a few other towns. We are visiting family who we don’t get to see but every couple of years. I get the honor of meeting a dear friend of mine for the first time after talking over the past 14 years!! I can’t even begin to tell you how exciting that will be!! I get to see a cousin that I haven’t seen in over 20 years and a Aunt and Uncle that I last saw 11 years ago! So many beautiful faces and so many laughs and memories, pictures to be taken and hugs to be given. I can’t wait for this whirlwind trip to live life to the fullest!

Tomorrow my Daddy is coming in town to stay the week with us and I simply am overjoyed at having him to myself for a whole week! I am going to take him fishing just like he used to take me, I am going to take pictures of him with the grandkids and laugh till late into the night. Just when it looked like the bad news I received last week would dampen this summer, I have decided to turn things around and thank God for the moments that are waiting for me this summer!

Life is so very short and I am truly blessed that God has given me the opportunity to live these memories, to see those who mean so much to me and to wrap my arms around a dear friend for the very first time. I am blessed to be able to take the chance to spend time with my Daddy and hit the open road with my hubby and our kiddos to make memories.

I will let you in on something that Darin and I do every morning, every night and every day. Before he goes to work we pray with each other, we pray for a good day, for traveling mercies and for God to bring us back together as a family later that evening. When we lay down at night we pray for each other for God to keep his guardian angels around our home and to bring us through the night safely. We do this because we never know if one of us will go out and not make it home, we pray at night because we never know if one of us will go to sleep and never wake up.

I would hate it if that were to happen and we didn’t take the time to tell each other how much we loved each other or went to bed mad with each other. We also do the same with the kids before they go to school each morning. I never want to live with the regret of never getting to say goodbye.

Tonight know that you are blessed, take the time to stop what you are doing and go and hug the ones you love and let them know how much they mean to you. Put down that phone or tablet, close up that laptop and go sit down and watch a movie with your hubby or play a game with your kiddos. Don’t let precious time slip by without appreciating the life that is in front of you. Go make memories, take pictures, laugh and enjoy this summer with those you love. And when that day comes when you don’t see them anymore, you can truly say, God blessed me and they knew I loved them without a doubt. You are blessed!!

James 1:12  Blessed are those who persevere under trial, because when they have stood the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him

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Get off the Dock!!!

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The last time I was on a boat I was 10 and a half months pregnant with Caleb… Ok maybe 9 and a half months, regardless I was wayyyy overdue! I did fine as long as the boat was moving, but when it stopped I felt myself turning green and starting to relive dinner. I have avoided boats for the most part since then. I mean I can fish just as well on the surf as I can in the boat. 😉

Some friends of ours have a big boat and a small boat. He has taken the kids out in the small boat a few weeks ago and yesterday he texted Darin and wondered if we would like to go out dolphin watching today. This is when the fear kicks in and I start to come out with every excuse in the book not to go. Well, I just had surgery and the bumps might hurt, I might get sunburnt and that’s not good with my meds, I might fall out of the boat, I might have to pee while we are out, I might, I might… Bottom line is I didn’t want to puke and what would be worse is I didn’t want to puke in front of others. I was afraid!!!

Darin kept saying, you can do this honey, we will have fun! I finally agreed to go and said I would sit on their dock and fish while they went on a drive. When we got there John didn’t even give me a chance to say no. On that boat I went… Did I mention I was scared? I went to the front and sat down quickly and closed my eyes and tried to make my heart stop beating so fast. I think I mentioned I was scared… God and I had a little talk and I begged him to not let me get sick.

Then the engines came to life and we got further and further away from land. Once we got out of the no wake zone he took off and the wind started flowing through my hair. I started to breathe a little better and I felt my muscles relax and a smile came across my face and I realized that this felt awesome!! We went in and out of inlets and fished, we saw dolphins and even pulled up to the marina for ice cream! I had the best time relaxing and laughing and spending time with those I love!

We spent 4 hours on the water and I am so glad I didn’t stay on that dock! When I was thinking about it I realized how much our lives are just like that. How often do we allow life to pass us by while we stay on that dock. We are afraid to get our feet wet, we are afraid to get on the boat because it’s shaky and unsure and your feet aren’t on secure ground.

I know I have lived like this many times! Anxiety and fear take over and I have missed out on so much because I let it rule my life. Oh I could have trusted God to help me get through things, but my faith wasn’t there and unfortunately I only wanted to trust Him when I knew I would be able to get through things without being hurt.

Through this journey I have learned a whole new level of trust and I have had to get off that dock more often then I wanted too. I have been pushed to the edge many, many times and I have had to feel the fear of the unknown for quite sometime now. I have prayed to God to help me get through this and help me get through that and I have had to get in the boat and trust Him.

Since last Monday after hearing the news I heard I have been afraid and I have had one very large ugly cry breakdown. Today when I was riding on the boat I thought about my life and taking on those fears, the anxiety and I was reminded of the story where God stood up in the boat and He looked to the waves and the wind and He said, “Peace, be still.” My prayer is for God to takes hold of the fear, and illness in my body and say, “Peace, be still”. He can do it and I’m not going to wait on the dock for Him to do it. I am going to jump in with both feet and I am going to feel the wind in my face and know that God has this! He is in charge and at any time He can calm the wind and waves and bring peace to my body again!

I can’t wait for that day to be made whole again! It may not be here on earth, but I WILL be made whole again! What storms are you facing tonight? Are you staying on the dock and waiting for them to stop or are you in the boat with Jesus and giving Him control? Give it to Him tonight, He is the only one who can bring you peace through the wind and waves!

Mark 4:39 Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.

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Winner, winner, chicken Dinner!!

Well, I have to say that was a lot of fun!!! The official winner is Wendy who says that she is looking forward to taking her son to the pool this summer!! Congrats Wendy and I will be contacting you shortly! Thank you all for playing and thank you for reading!!!

*Looking forward to taking the little guy to the pool and seeing you guys this summer!

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CELEBRATE!!! AND a giveaway!!!

Not only  is it the first day of summer, YAY!!! I am also celebrating YOU! You are the reader!

When I started this blog I never thought in a million years that anyone would care to read my words. Of course I knew that my immediate family would, but never people from over 30 different countries. Now I am just shy of 15,000 views since last September. To some bloggers such as the Pioneer Woman or other big names they get triple those views in one day. However I don’t have a tv show or other ways to plug my blog. All I have is you. You have read and shared with so many and you have been my word of mouth.

Thank you!! From the bottom of my heart, thank you!! Tonight this is going to be short and sweet! I promised you a give away and it’s finally here!!! I LOVE giveaways!!! Here is what is included in this awesome giveaway!

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-First is this new and amazing deluxe beach bag from thirty-one. This is one of there newest bags with loads of room on the inside and pockets for sunglasses, cellphones, lotion and books on the outside! It also has the awesome Flip-flop print that is only available during the month of June! I am sending out a special thank you to my dear friend Rachel who donated this bag for this great giveaway! If do not win this give away and really must have this bag, you only have a few days left of June to order! It’s on special this month! Here is a direct link to her website

https://www.mythirtyone.com/Rachelkemp

-Second you will receive a awesome roll out mat to lay out on. It is a mat and a pillow in one! Simple to carry to the beach or the pool!

-Third is 2 towels, one for your beach chair and one to dry off with

-Fourth is a blow up mat to get your tan on in the pool. Not sure if I recommend it for the beach as you may float away and have to be rescued… not that I would ever know…

-Fifth if you don’t want to get your tan on and prefer to use a great sunscreen then I am including this brand new sunscreen from Coppertone! I have used it and it is amazing!! It’s called Clearly Sheer and it won’t cause breakouts, your skin stays soft and it absorbs fast!! When you have 3 kids that means a lot!

-Finally I am including a GREAT read from a blogger that I have been following for a few years. She just finished this book last fall and it is so encouraging and a great read for the beach, pool or a rainy summer day. It’s called A Million Little Ways, Uncover the art you were made to live written by Emily Freeman. If you have ever heard of The Nester who can make your home look amazing, then you will love Emily because they are sisters! Here is the direct link to Emily’s blog, http://www.chattingatthesky.com/

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Now for the rules. Sorry I hate to put them out there, but everything has to have rules. 😉

This is only open to United States residents as I can not ship to different countries right now

I am leaving this open until Sunday night at 9pm eastern time

You need to leave a comment here on the blog, not on Facebook! You have to leave it on the blog and I want your comment to be, What is one thing you are looking forward to this summer!

Once 9pm hits tomorrow night I will be using randompicker.com to pick the lucky winner! If it is you I will email you and get your address and ship you your summer goodies!!

Thank you again for everything that you all have done for me and welcome to summer!!! Now on your mark, get set, start commenting!!

 

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Yesterday? Tomorrow? No, just Today

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One day at a time sweet Jesus, That’s all I’m asking of you, just give me the strength to do everyday what I have to do, yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine, Lord help me today, show me the way, one day at a time…

Remember that one? It’s an oldie, but has always been a favorite. Whether sick or healthy, it has always been my prayer. Dear God, help me one day at a time. For obvious reasons it has truly been my prayer now. I can’t think about tomorrow anymore, I can’t think of next week anymore, I have to live in this minute, in this day. One precious day at a time is all I can do. I have no control anymore and I can’t hold onto what doesn’t matter anymore.

I remember as a teenager, I worried about growing up. Who would I marry, where would I live, what kind of wife would I be, what kind of Mom would I be. It eventually came down to I won’t worry about it because I just wouldn’t get married or have kids and then all problems and questions of my future would be solved. I just wouldn’t do it… God sure had a different plan for me. 😉 I remember walking down that aisle and looking into my future husband’s eyes and knowing finally what true love felt like. I remember holding each of our sweet babies when they were born and learning a whole new level of love that I never knew I could feel.

All that worrying when I was a teenager for nothing. God already had Darin picked out for me, He already had those sweet kiddos ready to bless us with. He even already knew that I would get cancer. We will never understand why God places different things in our lives whether good or bad, but He has a plan. We can stress and worry all we want, but only God knows the final outcome!

I can’t tell you how amazing I feel knowing that God is in control of everything in my life. I’m not scared of death, but I am scared of leaving our kiddos behind. But God knows what will happen in the end and He is big enough to love on those kids if anything were to happen to me. God knows how to help me through the next couple of months taking this new chemo. He already knows how sick I am going to get, He may even be planning the ultimate miracle for our family by healing me because He absolutely can do it.

If I stressed everyday about my future then I am closing the door on what God is going to do. Honestly I don’t think my story is done and I am anticipating something miraculous from our God! If He decides to take me, then oh what a day it will be when I stand before my God and lift my hands in glory praising Him for the life I was blessed to live on this earth! I will see my sweet Mama and my sister, my grandparents and friends that have gone before me! Oh what a day it will be. The way I look at it, is either way I win! So why would I stress over something that either way is going to be amazing!

Would I love to grow old with my sweet Hubby and one day sit on our front porch and watch our grandkids playing in the front yard? It’s been our dream for many, many years… The fact that there is a possibility that we won’t see that day is sad, but I have said this before, we are not promised tomorrow. We could get in a car accident tomorrow and be taken that way.

Nothing is promised to us and that’s why my prayer is, one day at a time sweet Jesus! I just need the strength to make it through each day. I need the strength to go through treatments again, I need the strength to hold our sweet babies and try to guide them as much as I can before God calls me home. I will open my eyes every morning and say God, I don’t know what your plan is, but you have allowed me to be on this earth for another day and for that I thank you.

There is so much hurt in this world today, friends who have sick children, sick parents, who are sick themselves. There are crimes being committed and innocent people being murdered. We shake our heads and say why God… why does it have to hurt so bad, but He has a plan and we have to trust Him to bring that plan full to completion. Is that you tonight? Is your heart so heavy worrying and stressing about things in your future or hurt in your life? Give it to God and pray for the strength to make it one day at a time.

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart

 

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Why?…

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Over 1,500 of you were praying for me yesterday… I know this by the number of hits on my blog in one day. That doesn’t include the prayers from friends, family and churches all over this beautiful world that we live in.

Yesterday morning I can honestly say I felt peace. Pure peace in my heart, body, soul and spirit. I was joking with the nurses and had no issues watching the lights above me as I was wheeled into the OR. I was still making jokes asking for the bubble gum flavor anesthesia. I honestly felt no fear. I knew this because of the prayers that so many of you were sending up for me.

When I woke up my Dr. was standing over me and I smiled at him and said how did it go? He just shook his head and told me that the tumor had spread and there was nothing he could do… I laid there in and out of consciousness, maybe I had misunderstood him. maybe it was a bad dream that I was having while I was still knocked out. Unfortunately it was true and the tumor had spread so quickly that it was now covering my uterus and many other things… The Dr. said that I would have to have an aggressive form of chemo that I will have done every 3 weeks to try and “prolong life”.

I cried all the way home not only from the pain and the crappy roads of Virginia, but the fact that I don’t want to die! I remember screaming it that I don’t want to die!!

Darin and I got home and we sat here for a few hours before he got the kids, confused and speechless. We didn’t know what to say, we didn’t know how to act. How can so many people be praying and the outcome was all wrong? Where was God? Had He turned a deaf ear to us? What did we do to deserve this? We just clung to each other and cried. This was not how it was supposed to be!

We have been up front and honest about everything with the kids and when they got home we sat them down and told them. The tears flowed freely and it broke my heart because NO kid should have to be told this terrible stuff! I was angry and hurt and pleaded to God, why?? I looked out the window and saw something that made me so upset… the kids were so excited for this surgery and the possibility of me getting my tube removed that they went out this weekend and bought me a pool float so I could swim with them again. Seeing that pool float and knowing that I wouldn’t be using it made the tears flow again.

How can God see all this hurt and not do anything about it? I won’t ever understand what His plan is. HOWEVER, I will continue to praise Him, I will continue to go to Him not only in times of need, but in times of praising Him. God is my rock and He is who I can go to when life throws these curve balls at me. I will never turn my back on God regardless of how bad it gets. Whether I have 6 months or 6 years, I will praise Him for everyday that I am able to get out of bed and live life.

My appointment to meet with my Dr. is next Thursday to see what the final word is and what kind of prognosis he will give me, but I won’t accept it. God is the only one who knows when our final breath will be taken. We are never promised a tomorrow and that is why every morning when I get up and every night when I go to bed I thank Him for the beautiful day He has allowed me to be a part of.

Life is so fragile and so short, hold your family close and don’t worry about material things and don’t worry about people who don’t matter. Love the ones your with! Because the day will come for all of us eventually when we have to say our final goodbyes and you will think back through the years and wonder if what I did was enough, did I love enough, did I care enough, did I listen enough. Don’t wait till the last moment, live each day with a thankful breath and live life to the fullest!

I will continue to fight till the day I die which I am praying will be years and years from now. I am trusting God for a miracle in my life and I am trusting Him to allow me to be a great Mama to these 3 amazing kiddos and to be a great wife to my good looking bearded man. I am only human and will ask God why certain things happen, but I will never be angry with Him. I will continue to love Him and thank Him everyday for the life He has blessed me with.

Thank you for all of your prayers and if you don’t mind continue sharing this blog for others to pray for a miracle, pray for my sweet hubby and kiddos. Pray for my Daddy who has already lost one daughter to cancer and his beautiful wife to cancer. Pray for peace through this storm.

John 6:2 And a great crowd was following Him because they had seen the miracles which He continually performed upon those who were sick.

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PRAY!!!!!

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Well… tomorrow is the big day… I honestly don’t know what I am feeling right now. The house is quiet as we took the kids to friends of ours for the night since we have to be at the hospital early. Darin is finishing up watering his garden and I just got done packing for the hospital.

I haven’t cried yet and I am hoping I don’t. I got a little teary when we left the kids because the prayer in my head was, just let me see them again God. I’m sure it will all hit me tomorrow when they are getting ready to wheel me in. I know God will take care of me because I don’t think my story is done yet. I believe He has great things in store for me. If I allow my thoughts to take over and listen to all the negative my Dr. is telling me then I am leaving no room for God to work a miracle in me.

Believe it or not, the one thing I am feeling is peace. I am human and I am nervous, but most of all I feel peace. I know God can and will bring me through this surgery. If you want to pray for specifics then they are as follows 😉

-Pray that it will be a laparoscopic surgery so I can heal quicker. If not then he will have to cut me from hip to hip and that means a 2-4 month recovery.

-Pray that he is able to get all the cancer out and this nightmare will be done!

-Pray that I will be able to get this tube out and no more will be added. The Dr. has told me he thinks I may have to get a colostomy bag,,, No thank you!!!! NO MORE TUBES!!!!

-Pray that I am not in too much pain. I know a surgery this big includes a lot of pain, but just pray that I can handle it and that I wake up from the surgery easily. I usually do not wake up from surgeries that well and I would like to feel peace when I wake up and not try to rip tubes out of me.

I know God can do all of these things and with your prayers I fully believe that God will do all of these things. Thank you each and everyone of you that has walked this journey with me up to this point. I would not have been able to do it without you. The cards, meals, flowers, gifts, visits, phone calls, text. The list goes on and on and it has meant the world to us!

It will be awhile before I can get on here again, but I WILL get on here again and obviously share this wonderful story of God’s grace that He has in store for me! Thank you again for your prayers!

I know so many of you have told me that you are praying or you have had your church pray. If you could tonight, share this blog on your facebook, through your emails, however you communicate and ask for extra prayers for not only me tomorrow, but for the Dr. For God to guide his hands through this surgery. Pray for my sweet husband who will be holding down the fort while I am recovering. He is under so much stress with work, me, the kids, bills. It all adds up and I want him to feel peace through this. Pray for our kiddos that God would give them a special peace in their little hearts that they will be able to help Darin out with things around the house and be strong and brave.

Pray for my family and Darin’s family as this is a hard time for all who do not live close and want to be here, but can’t. Just for God to give all of us a peace through the surgery and through the recovery. I know my heart will be singing when all of this is said and done. Again I know God has big plans for me! I am just like my Daddy and I am a stubborn Polock! I do not give up easily and won’t got down without a fight 😉

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

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