that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

ANGER

on June 4, 2014

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Have you ever been so angry at someone that it takes your breath away? You know you shouldn’t get that angry because most of the time it is something completely out of your control, but the anger gets the best of you and you just lash out?

Unfortunately my anger is not good right now. I’m going to be flat out honest… I’m angry at God! I have begged and pleaded and prayed and bargained and everything else for Him to take the pain away, to heal me, to get this tube out, for me to just wake up and not have to go through pain anymore… So far nothing is happening. The tumor did shrink, but now it’s growing again and the pain is something that can’t even be described.

Now before you go judging, I still love God with all my heart, but I am angry!! I believe it’s just like a husband and wife, Darin and I get in spats once in a while and I get angry, but I still love him with all my heart. God gave us emotions, He created anger and I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t feel this anger. God knows why I am angry even before I feel it. He knows what I am going to ask even before I say it. He understands and has broad shoulders, I believe He can take it.

I wish I didn’t feel like this because I always worry about the wrath of God for me being angry, but I understand now that God isn’t out to hurt us or harm us in any way. He wants to help us, but sometimes I believe that we don’t allow Him to move in our lives the way He would want to.

I watched a movie one time that had a person die right at the beginning of the movie. I was stunned that something so tragic would happen right at the beginning of a movie. However the twist and turns that took place for the next hour and a half, played out to explain everything that happened. Lives were changed and hearts were touched and love was found all because that person died. I believe our life is just like that. We question why this is happening and why do I have to go through this journey, but somewhere along the way I am going to be able to see why God put me on this journey.

So far I haven’t seen the reason and I guess after 9 months of going through so much, I am angry! I’m done, I want out, I want to be healed, I want to jump in the pool, I want to wake up and have energy, I want to live… Right now, the fight is not in me anymore…

But God… He hears me and He is listening and He already has everything planned out for me and He is saying, just a little longer, have patience for a little bit more, hold on love, just a few more steps.

So I wait and I trust and I try to put the anger on the back burner because I don’t like to feel angry, I don’t like to feel depressed. God knows my faith is wavering and He still loves me because I am human and He created me for this journey. I walk out in the back yard and I look up and I hold my hands upwards to the sky and I say, it’s all yours God. The sickness, the anger, the emotions, the depression. I give it all to you because I can’t do it anymore. It hurts to feel anymore, it hurts to think anymore. Through it all I say it is well with my soul.

Are you angry? Have you lost a parent, lost a child, experiencing a illness that you can’t see through? God is saying, hold on love, just a little bit longer. He wants to hold you, He wants you to give it all to Him. No matter how tough a situation is, imagine going through it without Him? I couldn’t even begin to fathom. Don’t hold onto that anger, whether to God, your spouse, your child, a co worker. Whoever it is, give it to God and He will bless you for it.

Here is a song that I have had on repeat. Close your eyes and let it minister to you tonight.

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One response to “ANGER

  1. Wendy says:

    I love you Sarah. I love your honesty, your humor & your strength. Your words touch so many souls, more than we can count. You have always had the gift of writing, God’s love shines in each of your blogs. May blessings pour over you & your sweet family as soooo many of us pray for your body to be
    healed! xoxo

    healed!

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