that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

What makes you Brave?

on June 12, 2014

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The argument had gotten way out of hand and I figured I would show them and late into the evening I grabbed some favorite things out of my room and ran through the woods. It was starting to get dark and the woods at night in WV can be quite scary. I finally stopped and climbed a large tree on our property. I was feeling mighty brave and knew that I would do my best to scare my parents. I was 15 and thought I knew how to do life on my own. I don’t even remember what the argument was over, but in my teenage mind they were totally in the wrong and I of course knew what I was talking about and was right!

As I sat there and the darkness wrapped around me I suddenly did not feel as brave as I thought I would be. I had grown up in these woods and knew every nook and cranny, but at night things started moving and making noises. I started to hear rustling noises around me from something larger then a raccoon. I tried to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat and tried to keep that “I’ll show them attitude” about me. I sat there for about an hour or so before I started to hear my Daddy yelling for me… Sarah, Sarah please answer me… Sarah please honey, please answer me!!

Oh I wanted to run to him and feel safe again in my Daddy’s big arms, but I couldn’t make myself move. I started to hear my sister yelling. Sarah, where are you! I could see there flashlights and I could hear the fear in their voices. I was so scared to move because whatever I had heard rustling around the bottom of the tree was still there.  I wanted to yell to them, but couldn’t find my voice to call out. I did something I hadn’t done in a while and prayed… God, whatever it is down there please make it go away!! A few minutes later I didn’t hear it anymore and I started yelling, I’m here, I’m here Daddy!!

The flashlights started to come closer and within a few minutes my Daddy with tears rolling down his face pulled me into those giant, strong arms and held me close. I felt instantly safe and he said why, why did you do that, we love you, why do you want to hurt us. The original plan to hurt them came back and broke my heart that I hurt them so bad. My poor Mama was on her knees when we walked in the door praying for God to bring me home safely. We stayed up till the wee hours of the morning trying to talk out what had happened and I promised them I would never run away again and I didn’t.

It’s amazing how brave we feel when we are teenagers. We don’t value life as we should and we think that we will live forever and nothing will phase us. Even when I got older and I would drink, again that was a whole other level of thinking that I was brave and I could do anything when I got drunk. So many times in life I thought that I could be brave for this moment or that, but now is one time that I lack some serious braveness.

Frankly I am scared to death, the knot in the pit of my stomach feels like it’s on fire. I want to run and run and never turn back. The lump in my throat seems to get bigger and bigger everyday and I don’t think I could wear enough mascara to help the tears. I want to hold my family and never let go. I think the prayer, God could you come before Monday has even passed my lips a few times. Brave and Sarah are an oxymoron right now.

A few blogs back someone had shared a song with me and I have had it on repeat non stop since listening to it. The words have spoke volumes to me and every time that fear tries to creep in I sing this song in my head over and over. The song says, You make me brave, You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore into the waves, You make me brave, You make me brave, No fear can hinder now the love that made a way. It is powerful y’all!! I listen to it over and over and each time I tell God that I need Him to make me brave because I can’t do it by myself.

Just like my Daddy yelling for me to come to him, God says the same thing, He wants us to come to Him when we are afraid, He wants us to come to Him when we feel less then brave and wrap those big strong arms around us. He also wants us to come to Him to thank Him for things. He says, come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest. Tonight I am doing just that, I am going to Him and saying, God, make me brave!

What makes you brave? Alcohol, drugs, guns, muscles? So many of us are lured into a false sense of bravery over things that are only skin deep. How about trusting God to make you brave in your heart and in your mind. He is with us always and will never leave us or forsake us. The definition of Brave states, having or showing courage: having or showing courage, especially when facing danger, difficulty, or pain. I want to be that person with the help of God! Won’t you allow Him to help you be that person as well?

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

 

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One response to “What makes you Brave?

  1. Sharon says:

    You are a brave person, Sarah! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and showing us that bravery is not necessarily in doing but in believing that God is always there for us! Love you, and praying!

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