that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Why?…

on June 17, 2014

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Over 1,500 of you were praying for me yesterday… I know this by the number of hits on my blog in one day. That doesn’t include the prayers from friends, family and churches all over this beautiful world that we live in.

Yesterday morning I can honestly say I felt peace. Pure peace in my heart, body, soul and spirit. I was joking with the nurses and had no issues watching the lights above me as I was wheeled into the OR. I was still making jokes asking for the bubble gum flavor anesthesia. I honestly felt no fear. I knew this because of the prayers that so many of you were sending up for me.

When I woke up my Dr. was standing over me and I smiled at him and said how did it go? He just shook his head and told me that the tumor had spread and there was nothing he could do… I laid there in and out of consciousness, maybe I had misunderstood him. maybe it was a bad dream that I was having while I was still knocked out. Unfortunately it was true and the tumor had spread so quickly that it was now covering my uterus and many other things… The Dr. said that I would have to have an aggressive form of chemo that I will have done every 3 weeks to try and “prolong life”.

I cried all the way home not only from the pain and the crappy roads of Virginia, but the fact that I don’t want to die! I remember screaming it that I don’t want to die!!

Darin and I got home and we sat here for a few hours before he got the kids, confused and speechless. We didn’t know what to say, we didn’t know how to act. How can so many people be praying and the outcome was all wrong? Where was God? Had He turned a deaf ear to us? What did we do to deserve this? We just clung to each other and cried. This was not how it was supposed to be!

We have been up front and honest about everything with the kids and when they got home we sat them down and told them. The tears flowed freely and it broke my heart because NO kid should have to be told this terrible stuff! I was angry and hurt and pleaded to God, why?? I looked out the window and saw something that made me so upset… the kids were so excited for this surgery and the possibility of me getting my tube removed that they went out this weekend and bought me a pool float so I could swim with them again. Seeing that pool float and knowing that I wouldn’t be using it made the tears flow again.

How can God see all this hurt and not do anything about it? I won’t ever understand what His plan is. HOWEVER, I will continue to praise Him, I will continue to go to Him not only in times of need, but in times of praising Him. God is my rock and He is who I can go to when life throws these curve balls at me. I will never turn my back on God regardless of how bad it gets. Whether I have 6 months or 6 years, I will praise Him for everyday that I am able to get out of bed and live life.

My appointment to meet with my Dr. is next Thursday to see what the final word is and what kind of prognosis he will give me, but I won’t accept it. God is the only one who knows when our final breath will be taken. We are never promised a tomorrow and that is why every morning when I get up and every night when I go to bed I thank Him for the beautiful day He has allowed me to be a part of.

Life is so fragile and so short, hold your family close and don’t worry about material things and don’t worry about people who don’t matter. Love the ones your with! Because the day will come for all of us eventually when we have to say our final goodbyes and you will think back through the years and wonder if what I did was enough, did I love enough, did I care enough, did I listen enough. Don’t wait till the last moment, live each day with a thankful breath and live life to the fullest!

I will continue to fight till the day I die which I am praying will be years and years from now. I am trusting God for a miracle in my life and I am trusting Him to allow me to be a great Mama to these 3 amazing kiddos and to be a great wife to my good looking bearded man. I am only human and will ask God why certain things happen, but I will never be angry with Him. I will continue to love Him and thank Him everyday for the life He has blessed me with.

Thank you for all of your prayers and if you don’t mind continue sharing this blog for others to pray for a miracle, pray for my sweet hubby and kiddos. Pray for my Daddy who has already lost one daughter to cancer and his beautiful wife to cancer. Pray for peace through this storm.

John 6:2 And a great crowd was following Him because they had seen the miracles which He continually performed upon those who were sick.

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18 responses to “Why?…

  1. Anonymous says:

    Praying still for you and your family. Hugs

  2. Tanya says:

    Sarah, I continue to pray for you and your beautiful family.

  3. Jenni and Brian says:

    We will continue our prayers for you, Darin and the kids! Fight! Fight! Fight! We love you.

  4. Alicia Albert says:

    My prayers are with you! Thank you for showing the rest of us the way to live.

  5. Adrea Aznar says:

    Im so sorry you have to go thru this. I hate to see people who’s lives and families are devastated by cancer. I pray there can be a miraculous healing and you may enjoy much more time with you family. No matter what happens continue to be a light in this dark world until the very end and trust that God and his plan is sovereign even when it seems hard. Fight hard and kick cancers butt!

  6. Melba Van Dalsum says:

    God bless you and your family. I have been so blessed to read this blog your an amazing woman. Jon and I will continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers

  7. rb says:

    I too am a cancer survivor. Friends with your cuz Wendy Brugman gaskill. Be strong. Praying for you. Contact me if you want to talk.

  8. Please read Andrew Wommack’s book “You’ve Already Got It”.

  9. Deborah Friend says:

    Thoughts and prayers are with all of you!!

  10. Kelly Umphlett says:

    I have only known your husband for a few short months. I know we want to know why God allows some bad things to happen to good people. I have had my share of the “C” word with my family and totally understand how you must feel. Always keep your strong faith and believe in the Lord. He will not leave you no matter what and he will not leave your loved ones. It seems as though you have taught your children about the love for Jesus so that too will get them through no matter what the future holds for you. I lost a dear friend last year to a strange illness. He left my best friend and their five year old daughter. Their undying faith and belief in God makes my faith stronger! I honestly do not know how people can make it through hard times with some sort of belief in a higher power! I’m proud to be a Christian and feel I was put in Darin’s life to be a new found friend and co worker. I will leave you with some scripture to hold close to your heart from Psalm 139:23 God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my nervous thoughts. Also Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! So please go in peace… Somehow God will give it to you! My family and my church will pray for you and your family for strength and for peace!
    Kelly Umphlett

  11. Berry Payne says:

    Sarah, Praying for you and your family…peace be with you…

  12. Anonymous says:

    May God keep you and your entire family in His white light of love, guidance and protection. Never give up.
    Peace and Blessings.

  13. Love you all, Sarah. Praying for that miracle you all so deserve to receive!

  14. Sheryl says:

    I can tell you are a stronger woman than you give yourself credit for.I pray for you & your family to be able to have peace in your lives,even though that’s hard to have when faced with your situation .GOD BLESS YOU & YOUR FAMILY.

  15. Jen says:

    Sarah, I am continuing to pray for you and your family. I do believe in miracles.

  16. Faith & Bruce Jones says:

    Bruce and I are keeping you and your family in our prayers.

  17. Neketa says:

    As I read your story and the tears flow in both awe and in sadness.. I will hold you and your family up in Prayer..I know that GOD is bigger than Cancer he is our Author and Finisher of our Faith .. hold tight sister..

  18. I can’t bring myself to “like” this, such terrible news, and yes I too was and will keep praying. I wish I could reach my hand out and take your cancer and throw it away. I wish God would just cause it to shrivel up and die. That is what I will pray for. My name is Estelle, can I be your friend?

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