that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Lost in a Sea of Thoughts

on June 27, 2014

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Sometimes I sit down to write and I just stare at the screen… I watch the blinking cursor almost like it’s mocking me. Tonight seems to be one of those nights. Don’t get me wrong I have enough stuff running through my head to write out 4 books, but none of those words wants to come to the screen tonight…

I had my follow up appointment with my Dr. today and after waiting almost 2 weeks to get to this point, I still left with the same feeling… anxiety. The good news is it’s not in my bones or blood, but it is in lymph nodes. As soon as we get back from our trip I have to get a medi port put in my chest and I have to start chemo all in the same week. If my cancer responds to the chemo, I could have 3-4 years, if my cancer does not respond to the chemo then I maybe have a year.

I don’t even know how to respond to this news. Even the best case scenario is still not good enough. 3-4 years is not long enough. Montana would only be 17. They are still babies and would not be old enough to be without a Mama. I sat here tonight and watched all 3 of the kids play in the yard and laughing as kids should on summer break. I thought if my body doesn’t respond what will make them laugh this time next year. I don’t want them to feel hurt and pain. I know I can’t guard them from it because it’s part of life, but it’s going to hurt them so bad and it’s out of my control.

I have already talked to God when I got home… I told Him that only He knows what the plan for my life is. Only He is the one that can fix this situation. I honestly have lived a good life. I was so blessed to marry a man that is truly my best friend, We were blessed 3 times with beautiful, healthy kids who are our life! I was blessed to grow up in a large family with 2 amazing parents who loved each other and truly lived out the “till death do us part” line. I have been blessed with amazing friends and a great church. So much I have that I have been blessed with… but I want to be selfish and say, not yet God, just a little bit longer God. I know where I am going to go when I die, but I’m not ready to give up on this life yet.

One year is not that long, 3-4 years is not that long. I pray, what can I do God for you to bring a miracle to me. Can I promise you things? Can I barter with you? Can I plead with you? But He says, Patience is a virtue that I need to learn. I can’t dwell on my future, I can’t dwell on my past. I can only live and enjoy everyday that I am able to open my eyes and look at my beautiful family and thank God for one more day.

It’s never the news that anyone wants to hear, but just like the last blog, I know I am blessed because I have time to say my goodbyes. I am still hoping, trusting, believing and praying that God would bring a miracle in my life, but if He doesn’t then I have to accept the fact that at least He blessed me with close to 40 years on this earth and for the most part I have enjoyed it.

My Dad is in town this week and I hope you continue to share and read my blog because my Dad is going to write a guest blog post while he is here and he has already got a lot of it put together and you will not want to miss it! I have talked many times about both my parents on here and you will hear things from his point of view that will bring tears to your eyes.

Stop what you are doing tonight and look around at what you have been blessed with. Whether it’s a spouse, beautiful children, a nice home, friends that make you laugh, whatever it is take a moment to thank God for all you have. You never know when it could slip through your hands and be taken away. If you were to leave this earth tonight, do you honestly know where you would be going? Just because you are a good person won’t get you into Heaven. Talk to God and invite Him into your heart. We never know when our last breath will be.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.

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10 responses to “Lost in a Sea of Thoughts

  1. dpu904 says:

    Love you baby! Faith, fight and no fear

  2. Nicole says:

    I just love your spirit. You are so beautiful. Such a precious gift from God. You have touched my heart forever.

  3. I don’t even know what to say. You are brave and thoughtful and love God. And I pray for you everyday. Thank you for your inspiration.

  4. Freida Jo Mack says:

    IMy heart aches for you and your family tonight. Hugs & Payers.

  5. Crying for you today. Trusting in God’s plan. I now I don’t know you but I love you as Christ loves me. I can’t begin to feel your pain or know what you are going through, but I will try. Be strong and of good courage.

  6. Nina says:

    Sarah you are an inspiration to all. Praying for you and all your family and friends.

  7. Kim Collins says:

    I am balling like a baby throwing a temper tantrum! Not fair! Not fair! are my thoughts and my cries. I have shed so many tears for you yet over and over again I remind myself that I have prayed more prayers for you. My faith is stretched daily and my requests to God seem louder, yet I know through HIS might that HE is able to do exceedingly above all we can ever ask or think. I love you girl and this life is not over for you. Embrace it and live! Spread joy and life before you…it’s yours!! I love you!!

  8. Anne verebely says:

    One of my employees’s mom has been living with stage 4 cancer for years – she also was given no time but they keep giving her something new when needed other than those times she lives a great life & looks amazing – take the 4 yrs & go forward. New treatments come along all the time

  9. Curtis Collins says:

    Sarah,
    Just reading the blog and you have me in tears as would anyone who has a heart! We pray for you constantly and my prayer too is ” Lord…don’t take this talented loving woman away ! ” See I am selfish too and I want you around because I have grown to love you and your dear family in just a short time ! So I say to you FIGHT GIRL !!! Kim and I are here for you and your family. I love Darin as a brother and your kids like they’re ours. We continue to pray for your healing. God Bless You ! We love you !!!

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