that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Inconvient Changes

on July 23, 2014

changes-ahead-exit-sign

Growing up in WV most of the roads in our city were one lane each way. Other then the interstate it is still that way. It was nice driving down the street and seeing a friend coming the other way and waving or honking the horn. As a kid there wasn’t much traffic and everyone took their time when driving. When I learned to drive it was the same way and I enjoyed driving everywhere. When I met Darin and got married, we bought a house on King street and it was so wonderful having my new hubby and a new house and still being near my family and friends.

Four months after we were married Darin told me that he had applied for a job in Virginia Beach. I had never thought that I would ever leave WV, but I knew he was miserable there. You see everyone in town knew my parents, I was used to a small town where everyone knew your business. If I did something wrong as a teenager, most of the time my parents knew about it before I got home. It was nice though sometimes knowing so much in a small town because you could help others when they were down and out or watch out for a neighbors house when they were out of town. I enjoyed living in a small town. Darin on the other hand hated it! He did not like the thought of so many others knowing our business and it didn’t matter how much I tried to tell him that it wasn’t that bad, he wasn’t buying it.

We found out the next month that he had gotten the job in Virginia beach and we were moving. I believe that would be the first time I ever felt anxiety. The thought of leaving my parents, my brother and sisters, my baby nieces and nephews, the church I grew up in and the friends I grew up with! No, no no! That would never work! I tried my best to tell him that we needed to stay, but no amount of words would work. He was upset for taking me away from my family and the only life that I had ever known. He would hold me and let me cry on him and he would comfort me when I would start crying as we packed the house up. He was so excited to start our new life together in a new place and I will admit that living at the beach did sound amazing, but the thought of living anywhere else was something so out of my comfort zone!

Within another month we had found renters for our home and we packed up and said our goodbyes and left WV. Darin was driving the Uhaul and I was driving our vehicle following him crying for about 2 hours. The trip felt like the longest day of my life and driving through that tunnel for the first time by myself, was enough to make me take a nerve pill!

We unloaded the Uhaul and the next day Darin left for a week long business trip. I stood in our apartment and had the first of many breakdowns! I attempted once to get in the car and go shopping and realized that in town was 4 lanes each way and that didn’t include the access roads beside the 4 lane road. I pulled in a parking lot and cried some more because I was scared to death that I would surely die on Virginia Beach blvd. I went back home and called Mom and just cried. She knew how upset I was because I never cried, but I couldn’t seem to stop since Darin had told me that he got the job. I felt so alone, so scared and it was too many changes at the same time.

That was almost 15 years ago and now I know most of the streets in Virginia Beach like the back of my hand. I still miss the roads of WV because I don’t feel stressed when I drive through them like I do down here.

We go through so many changes in life, some good and some bad. We have to face these changes and it all depends on our attitude when you get to the outcome. I didn’t have the best of attitudes when we first moved here because I was scared of the unknown, I was scared of being away from what was my comfort place, my home. I had told myself that I would never have friendships like I did in WV and I would never be able to see my family everyday.

When I found out I had cancer, I felt the same way I did when we moved. I was so scared, I didn’t want change, I didn’t want to get out of my comfort zone. I was so happy just drifting through life being a wife and a Mama. Our world got shaken up when we heard those words that I had advanced stage cancer. We cried and we questioned and it was rough those first couple of months trying to find our way through the newness and trying to follow the directions.

Slowly over time it started to become my familiar. I started to see where I was going and what I was fighting for and I got comfortable with the routine of things. Sometimes it involved a lot of pain and other times I felt like I never had cancer. However just when things started to get easier, that bomb got dropped on us that things had not gotten better, they got worse! The roller coaster ride was out of control and once again I felt scared and was way out of my comfort zone!

I had someone ask me, “why are you still relying on God when He has only let you down. If He truly wanted the best for you, then why are you still suffering?” I thought about this and thought about how many changes I have gone through in this life and I looked at them and said, through every change, through every season, through every up and down in my life, there has been one constant thing that has never changed, that one is God.

I don’t question anymore, I get up every morning and I thank God that he has got me up for one more day. I will do whatever it takes to be a witness for Him because He is the only reason that I can make it through this pain, through these changes and through the unknown. I am truly blessed that God knew exactly what He was doing when He made me. He doesn’t live in comfort and familiar, He wants to keep us on our toes as Christians. If He gave us everything we wanted and ask Him for whenever we ask then we would never learn faith, we would never learn trust.

When something goes wrong now, I look up and say, I’m sorry for getting comfortable. Please let me ever be inconvenienced and never comfortable with our relationship with Him. God brought me through that move in WV by giving both of us, amazing friends, a wonderful church, the best neighbors anyone could ever ask for and that true feeling of peace every time I sit on that beach. Just like He brought me through those changes, I know that He will bring me through this cancer.

Do you like changes? Do you like to be inconvenienced? It’s a tough way to live, but how else will you learn faith and trust? God wants us to come to Him when life throws you curve balls that involve major changes. He wants us to rely on Him and not on things of this world. Learn to trust Him tonight before a major change comes, that way you know that you can rely on Him to bring you through any change that comes your way!

Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, yes and forever

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