that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Hate gets you no Where!

on August 3, 2014


Mom was doing dishes when I came busting through the door, threw my backpack down and blurted out, I HATE SCHOOL!! I jumped up on a bar stool and continued, I hate this teacher and I hate my locker partner and I hate the girl who looked at me funny!! Mom stayed quiet and continued doing the dishes. She let me go on and on and after about 10 minutes of diarrhea of the mouth she stopped what she was doing and stared at me.

I didn’t notice she was staring until I finally looked her way and we locked eyes. Mom was always one for subtle advice that would kind of make you uncomfortable. She gently said, Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses…. I thought, oh dear, Mom’s quoting scripture again! I was quite familiar with this one as growing up Mom would always find a verse to go with what we had done wrong and would make us write it at least 50 times. I would have much rather had the belt! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I had written this verse many… ok a ton of times!! I stared at her with my mouth open and said, but Mom you don’t understand! Life is hard as a teenager! She came over and sat on the other stool and said it again, Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses. I knew this was going no where! She then proceeded to tell me that hatred is an awful thing to deal with and leaves a terrible feeling in your heart. We talked for awhile and then she made me get up and dry dishes. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I find myself doing the same thing with our kids, teaching them to not say they hate something and making them write verses. They are not fans of that either. ๐Ÿ˜‰ However tonight, I looked up to the sky and said, I am sorry mom, but I HATE cancer!!!! I really, really hate it!! I can’t stand it anymore!!! I am literally watching my body break down day after day and the pain is getting worse and worse. My hair is thinning and my body just hurts. I wonder how much longer I can deal with this? Everything that could go wrong, has went wrong and it leaves my doctors just shaking there heads.

The morning I went to have my port put in, I fully believe that God spoke to me. I was standing in the shower, stressed and I said, I’m going to have more scars and without missing a beat, I heard, I do too… Hello God? Was that you?? I started crying because I knew that was Him. He went through so much more for us. He was beaten and stabbed, hit with chains and whips, He had a crown of thorns pushed so hard on His head that blood came pouring from Him. He was hung from a cross with nails so big they left huge holes in His hands in Feet. I sat on the floor of the shower and just cried.

Here I am complaining about the pain that I was experiencing and it’s not even a fraction of what He went through for us…. He made my body, the verse said He formed me in my Mother’s womb. He knows daily how many hairs are on my head, He knows my future because He is God! When I am going through these tough storms, He already knows the outcome. I can hate cancer all I want, but I can’t stay there in that moment! I have to preserve my energy to fight and not use it on hatred.

What do you hate tonight? Cancer, suicide, sickness, maybe even small things such as a work situation, a co worker, your body. Whatever it is, God knows how to fix it. Sometimes He wants your attention and He wants you to learn trust and trust in Him more. He allows some things so that you will turn to Him and build more of a relationship with Him so you can trust Him to make the situation easier to handle. Give it to Him tonight and allow Him to bring peace to your heart. Sit down and just talk to Him, He is waiting.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life!


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