that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

I Need Peace!!

on August 9, 2014


I had gone a full 20 years without ever seeing the ocean. I didn’t know what it would look like in real life, I didn’t know what sand would feel like between my toes. I hadn’t known how different of a tan you could get at the ocean versus my back yard. Most of all I didn’t know the peace that one could experience while sitting on the beach.

When Darin and I met he wanted to bring me to the beach. Finally a few months after we had met, he picked me up from my midnight shift and off we went to Virginia Beach. It was around 4 am when we arrived. We went and had breakfast and then we walked on the boardwalk, found a bench and waited. While we were talking, I started to experience something that is still imprinted in my mind. Something that I will never forget as long as I live.

I stared out towards the ocean and the sky turned colors of purples, blues, golds and other colors that no artist could ever recreate even if they tried. Slowly the sun started to peak up over the horizon and I didn’t even want to blink because I was afraid I would miss something. I had never seen anything so beautiful!

Throughout the day, we sat in our beach chairs and waded in the water. We were knocked over by waves and body surfed till our chest were bright red. I laughed more that weekend than I had in years! I truly felt peace in my heart! I never wanted to leave, but those 3 days passed by way to quick and before I knew it, we were headed back to WV. Reality had to eventually set back in. After we were married and Darin got a job in VA Beach I was sad to leave as I wrote about a few weeks ago, but was so excited to experience that peace again.

It’s been almost 15 years since we moved to the beach. We have lived on the bay literally with the beach as our back yard, we have lived in a house on stilts 2 streets from the ocean. We have been blessed so much to be able to raise our kiddos on the water.

This time last year, we were in Beaufort, NC for my birthday. As we were walking along the beach, I was in so much pain, I was having a hard time breathing and I was close to tears. I didn’t know I was sick yet and I was so upset that I couldn’t feel the peace at the beach that I usually had. We got back to the hotel and I laid across the bed. Montana laid next to me and she said, “Mommy you must really be sick because I saw you crying on the beach today and you love the beach.” I didn’t know how to respond because I didn’t know what was wrong with me.

It’s been almost a year since that weekend and obviously I know what is wrong with me now. I have been through so much in almost a year. This past week has been rough. Without my hair… I don’t feel pretty… I don’t feel like a woman. People tell me I am still pretty, but it’s so hard to believe them. My hair has always been my thing. Yes I know it’s a vain thing, but I’m just being real. No scarf, no hat, no bandana has made me feel pretty.

My heart has been on edge and when I look in the mirror, for the first time, I truly see a sick person. It’s hard to see me like this…

All week I have thought about one thing, going to the beach. I haven’t been in a long time. Because of meds or time or whatever is going on, it has prevented me from going to the beach. I told Darin I wanted to go, I needed to go! I need to feel peace within my body, within my spirit. I want to sit in my chair pulled up along the waves and feel the water laps over my toes, I want to hear the laughter of my kids as they run around and play, I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and most of all be able to take a deep breath and know that it will all be okay.

I thank God so much for creating such an amazing thing like the beach and the ocean. It is such a mighty and powerful thing, yet it’s beauty is something that cannot even be fathomed. Peace is hard to come by and I am so thankful for the peace that I am able to draw from the ocean.

What brings you peace in your life? What makes you breathe better and makes the noise go from your brain? Are you able to experience peace when you need it the most? No matter what you are facing in life, you need to have that avenue to escape to. Don’t let life get to hectic that you aren’t able to slow down and thank God for what He has done for you.

2 Thessalonians 3:16  Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.


3 responses to “I Need Peace!!

  1. Deborah Friend says:

    May the Lord be with you also and grant you Peace.

  2. Sandra Hess Greenfield says:

    I pray that the Lord gives you peace, I know what you mean about the beach and the ocean it is such a peaceful place. Keeping you In my prayers we love you!!

  3. Shelley Heironimus says:

    Praying for that miracle for you daily Sarah. May God give you the peace and strength that only he can.

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