that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

My Breaking Point

on August 14, 2014
  • break·ing point
  1. point when coping becomes impossible: the point at which somebody loses the ability to deal physically, psychologically, or emotionally with a stressful situation
  2. critical moment: the point at which a condition or situation reaches a crisis

That definition above speaks volumes to me right now. Maybe I shouldn’t be blogging right now because the emotions are so raw that I can barely see through the tears…

This morning I woke up early and got ready to go have chemo. Our dear friend Kim came and got the kids and took them to Busch Gardens for the day. Chemo usually takes about 7 to 8 hours so I gathered my laptop, some snacks and my favorite prayer quilt that was made for me and off I went.

I was to meet with my oncologist today to talk about all the side effects I felt from the first chemo. He told me that he wasn’t sure whether I should continue chemo because it may be worse for my body and kill me off quicker then what I would if I just lived out the life I have left. He said regardless of what we did, this cancer will still kill me. I said no way buddy, lets keep doing it. He told me since I just finished yet another round of antibiotics and it still felt like I had an infection, that he was not going to do chemo today and I was to go straight to the urologist.

I got to the urologist and after doing a urine culture and it coming back negative for any infection, they wanted to do a scope to see what was going on. It looks like the tumor has grown into my bladder and is now started to block up where urine is supposed to come out. He wants to be sure so he scheduled a surgical biopsy for the 28th to see if I now have bladder cancer…

I just sat in that little room with my head spinning. I had just woken up to go have chemo and now all this in just an hour or so… I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I just stared and said nothing. This is hard and I don’t understand why every time I go to the Dr. I leave with more bad news. How much can one take before they simply can’t take anymore.

Can I be honest? Really honest? I’m tired of putting on a brave face… For the first time through all of this, my faith is wavering. As a parent, if one of our kids were in pain, I would do everything humanly possible to try and fix it. As a child of God, I pray and I beg and I plead and I praise everyday. I wait in faith and expectation of His healing. I don’t really understand why He has not fixed it yet, why He has not reached down and helped me yet.

I don’t understand what He is waiting for. More bad news and more bed news, every blessed time and nothing has changed. My little white flag has become tattered and worn. I have finally reached my breaking point. I. can’t. take. anymore!!!!

I just sit here and I cry and I scream and I throw things because I am so angry!! I don’t even know who I am angry at, but I am so very angry and I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know how to control it. I have kept my calm for almost a year, through procedures and surgeries, through hospitals stays and Dr. visits. I have praised God through it all and today I simply have nothing left in me.

I feel broken and raw, I feel depleted and angry… my faith has wavered so much that I don’t know what to think anymore…

I need you, I need your friends, I need your church… I need each and everyone of you to stand in the gap for me today. When Moses grew tired and weary through the war, Aaron and Hur got a stone for him to sit on and they both stood on either side of him and held his arms up through the war so Israel would win the war.

I am in my own war today and I need for each of you to hold me up. Hold me up in prayer, hold me up in your thoughts, hold me up and plead to God for help for me. I am so weary and I simply can’t do it anymore. Please stand in the gap for me today. I wish this could have been encouraging and helpful to someone, but today I just need a lot of prayer. I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore…

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26 responses to “My Breaking Point

  1. Anonymous says:

    Arms up girl! I’m praying as are vast numbers of others who know and care about you.

  2. Sherry Rotter says:

    I have found this prayer to be very helpful in life’s devastating situations. Because of the original fall of man, hardship will not be a stranger to us.
    Know that you are loved, though that fact may not change difficult circumstances, it does help us to get through them.

    The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

    God, give us grace to accept with serenity
    the things that cannot be changed,
    Courage to change the things
    which should be changed,
    and the Wisdom to distinguish
    the one from the other.

    Living one day at a time,
    Enjoying one moment at a time,
    Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
    Taking, as Jesus did,
    This sinful world as it is,
    Not as I would have it,
    Trusting that You will make all things right,
    If I surrender to Your will,
    So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
    And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

    Amen.

  3. Joelle says:

    I am praying for you and if you need an ear to scream in or a shoulder to cry on just let me know.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I am holding you up in prayer! Hugs are being sent your way as well

  5. Debbie Friend says:

    I holding you up in prayer and sending hugs to you as well.

  6. k. bitter says:

    I am so happy to read an honest post!!! It is hard to keep the thought that God is there listening . His hand is not to short and He is able so why doesn’t He. Wecant possibly begin to understand yet I can say with confidence He is with u. I am praying for u. Please pray that God fixes my broken marriage after twenty years of being together. My kids struggle with it all. If we all love God why isn’t my problem fixed? I tell them His ways r higher than ours. His word says that in this life we will have trouble. U got trouble? Me too . . . I so loved your post. Just being honest enough to say please pray for me. Thanks . . . Keep fighting the good fight. . . . U r an encouragement. Try to praise Him for the little things along the way. Immanuel. . . He is with u. And me!! Hahaha.

  7. Missy says:

    My dear Sarah, I am so sorry to read this. I’m adding you to my prayer list again, that others will continue to pray for you. Praying for a miracle. The dr said very straight-forward news and though it is very hard to hear; I would rather know the cold, hard truth than to get it sugar coated. But, Drs can be wrong! And I am praying that you will miraculously be healed. Go to the beach today. And every day. Be with your children. And Darin. Much love sent to you. If I can help with anything, please let me know.

  8. vapitbullmom says:

    I am holding you up as high as I can. I ask God everyday those same questions, & I know you want that pain to just stop, but they always tell me God gives me no more than what I can handle. Somedays I just want to know what I did wrong to deserve the pain.You r in my prayers every night & I offer a arms to hug you & a shoulder to cry on when ever you need an extra one

  9. Leslie says:

    Praying for you for strength and peace.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Oh, Sarah…I am sad and frustrated for you right now. I will stand in the gap for you with prayers to The Lord. Keep your faith…even if God says no to what you are asking for on Earth. God will never leave or forsake you…just remember that “his will be done”… We may never understand the burdens we bear or “why?”…but someday we will rejoice with him in heaven. Stay strong beautiful lady!

  11. saff1954 says:

    Sarah….I work with Carolyn, Tonya and Jessica….I am also Bob Friend’s sister….when my husband, Mike, was battling leukemia my pastor told me it was ok to be angry at God that he had broad shoulders….you are entitled to your anger…God understands….

  12. The Roney Family from Ohio says:

    Prayers of comfort, peace, understanding, healing strength and much more are for you, Sarah!

  13. Anonymous says:

    Prayers coming your way!

  14. Kim Collins says:

    Curtis, Ethan and I are on each side of you holding you up. Holding onto you with all our faith and strength. We will continue to HOLD you until your miracle comes. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP! Our faith is being stretched as far as it can go, deep, wide, high…every direction up to our mighty powerful GOD! We are standing with you. I know God is hearing us. I know HE is listening. I will keep shouting as loud as I can until this mountain is moved. GOD is the GOD of the impossible and HE can do this! We love you and will hold you up in this war until the victory is WON!!!

  15. Shawna Bunch says:

    I don’t know know you! However, I understand your pain to a certain extent! I am battling breast cancer for the 2nd time in 2 years. I too have children, hang inthere! You can do this! Keep faith! I know it’s hard!!

    Shawna

  16. Angie Clipp Winman says:

    You probably don’t remember me from youth group and high school,but my boys and I have been praying for you since a couple of FB friends posted your blog and prayer request. We will continue praying and ask others to do so as well.

  17. The Rowley Family says:

    Sarah we are keeping you and your family lifted in prayer ❤️
    Praying for HIS peace that surpasses all understanding.
    May you keep HIS grace and mercy close knowing that HE
    is as close as your very own breath. May you feel and find HIS
    strength at this time of wavering and uncertainty. Trust and know
    that you are being held ever so close in the warmth if Gods love❤️
    We will be prayer warriors for you❤️and with you.

  18. Shelley Heironimus says:

    Sarah my heart breaks for you tonight as I also pray to God for your miracle. I will continue to pray until it comes! Please know that even when we cannot comprehend things God is still there for us and loves YOU. Here is a couple lines of a favorite song: “be strong in The Lord and never give up hope, he’s gonna do great things I already know, God’s got his hands on you so don’t live life in fear, forgive and forget and don’t forget why you’re here, take your time and pray, these are the things I would say.” You are loved Sarah and we are holding you up with our prayers.

  19. Anonymous says:

    TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
    “But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty.”
    (1 Corinthians 1:27, KJV)

    TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
    Did you know that according to all the laws of aerodynamics, a bumblebee should not be able to fly? Its wingspan is too small for the size of its body. It can’t get enough lift. But here’s the key: Nobody told the bumblebee. It didn’t get the memo. No experts were able to talk it out of flying. The bumblebee felt its wings on its sides and something in its DNA said, “I’m supposed to fly. I’m not made to just crawl around on the ground.” It didn’t read the latest engineering report. It just did what was natural and started flapping its wings and took off into the air.

    Have you ever had the experts tell you, “You’ll never get well; you’ll never get out of debt; you’ve gone as far as your education allows; this is as good as it gets”? With all due respect, the experts can be wrong. The experts told Dodie Osteen that she had a few weeks to live, but 33 years later, she is still alive and healthy. The experts told us Lakewood would never make it without the founding father, but we’re doing pretty good! Believe God over the experts and watch what He will do on your behalf!

    A PRAYER FOR TODAY
    Father, thank You for Your goodness and faithfulness in my life. I believe You over what the “experts” tell me. I believe that You are faithful and expect to see Your goodness all the days of my life in Jesus’ name. Amen.
    — Joel & Victoria Osteen

  20. Anonymous says:

    TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
    “But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty.”
    (1 Corinthians 1:27, KJV)

    TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
    Did you know that according to all the laws of aerodynamics, a bumblebee should not be able to fly? Its wingspan is too small for the size of its body. It can’t get enough lift. But here’s the key: Nobody told the bumblebee. It didn’t get the memo. No experts were able to talk it out of flying. The bumblebee felt its wings on its sides and something in its DNA said, “I’m supposed to fly. I’m not made to just crawl around on the ground.” It didn’t read the latest engineering report. It just did what was natural and started flapping its wings and took off into the air.

    Have you ever had the experts tell you, “You’ll never get well; you’ll never get out of debt; you’ve gone as far as your education allows; this is as good as it gets”? With all due respect, the experts can be wrong. The experts told Dodie Osteen that she had a few weeks to live, but 33 years later, she is still alive and healthy. The experts told us Lakewood would never make it without the founding father, but we’re doing pretty good! Believe God over the experts and watch what He will do on your behalf!

    A PRAYER FOR TODAY
    Father, thank You for Your goodness and faithfulness in my life. I believe You over what the “experts” tell me. I believe that You are faithful and expect to see Your goodness all the days of my life in Jesus’ name. Amen.
    — Joel & Victoria Osteen

  21. Anonymous says:

    Corrie Ten Boom’s father advised her not to throw away her ticket when going through a dark tunnel. God is still your refuge and strength and He will always be with you. Stay in Hus grip. Sorry for your pain but hold on. You are doing the right thing to call out to your Christian family for prayer. Of course.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Sarah, I continue to pray for you without ceasing. God works miracles everyday, keep your faith in him and his will, will be done. Dear God, please watch over Sarah and her family tonight and help me lift her up in your holy name. Give her peace, rest and blessed assurance. I will continue to hold you up Sarah, we love you!!

  23. Anonymous says:

    Please keep your faith,and do not give up. With this circle of prayers, you can’t loose. Prayers and thoughts are going to be coming your way from me, and just a thought, I am a survivor of breast cancer. 30 years. Praying for you….<3

  24. Julie Englert says:

    You just grew a foot today from everyone you have touch and gave faith too. We are all praying and holding you up. Can you feel the love, its there. Can you hear the prayers they are being said. Can you see the rain from all the tears. We all ask why some time in our lifes, I don’t know if we every get a answer. All I know is when you stop believe and praying the Devil wins. You have done so much and have come to far to let that happen. It is easily for someone to say this not standing in your shoes. I know it is hard,but you must keep on praying and believe in God. He is hugging you right now. Can you feel him, he is there feeling your pain. Tell you he does love you. He loves you and don’t forget that. He loves you and we all do. I wish I had answer for you or could do more. We all do. Hugs and prayers send to you and your family. God does love you and has his hand on you and has from the day you were born. He will never leave you.

  25. Anonymous says:

    My family and I prayed for you tonight as we often do, but this time more fervently. You have one more person standing in the gap to pray for you. I pray that the Holy Spirit gives you peace and guides you in the best decision to make for you and your family, regardless of what the doctors may say.

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