that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Why is Trust so Hard?

on August 25, 2014

trust

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

 

I have listened to this song over and over for weeks on end now and last night I had the privilege of hearing it sung by the man who wrote it. Steven Curtis Chapman. It was such a beautiful concert! Like so many other songs, the words of this one seems to hit right where I need them to hit. It seems to be maybe a promise from God that my story is not yet done.

I’ll be honest with you all… I’m not always put together, I am not always positive and I am struggling. Yes, I am human… This month has been a tough one. I have battled depression more so than ever. Matter of fact as I type this I have a huge lump in my throat. Once again, I am asking God, how much more? When will I be able to feel a little relief?

Yesterday we joined some friends at Busch Gardens for the day. I have to rent a motorized scooter because I simply cannot walk that far anymore without feeling like my lungs are going to spontaneously combust right out of my chest because of my low blood count. I’m embarrassed by that stupid scooter and as a family it doesn’t bother me that much. However when friends joined us yesterday and they saw me in it, it took everything I could to not cry from embarrassment. I didn’t want to allow my friends to see me weak. I started making jokes about it just to make myself seem like I was okay with it.

I finally blew it off and we did enjoy our day riding rides and laughing. About midday though, I started to feel pretty crappy. I had ridden a roller coaster that shook me just maybe a bit too much and I hurt all over.  I started praying that God would allow me to be okay to make it to the concert that night. It was taking place in Busch Gardens and we had planned on spending the day riding rides and then attending the concert. I didn’t want to put a damper on everyone else’s day so I put on a good face and kept going.

By the time the concert came around I was almost in tears from the pain. I had brought some of my pain pills so I took them and kept smiling. As I listened to Steven Curtis play and he would tell stories in between his songs. I closed my eyes and just listened. He started talking about how we go through things in life that we didn’t plan on, minor things and major things that blindside us when we least expect it. He continued on and it had started to drizzle and I kept my eyes closed because the hot tears started forming in my eyes.

He ended by saying, God has something to say to you and I need you to listen. This is for someone out there tonight… God says that you need to just trust Him. The tears started to flow because I knew without a doubt that God was talking to me. I don’t trust Him enough… I can say it all I want, but I do not trust Him the way I should.

He is the one who created me, He is the one who knows what is coming next around every turn, He is the one who knows the outcome of the pain I have to go through. Why should I not trust Him? Why is it so hard to wait on the one who sees my hurt? I beg and I plead and I cry because I’m done. I hate cancer and the way it makes me feel, I am in constant pain and it only seems to be getting worse and that is hard for me to understand when I pray non stop for Him to fix me… but He says, just trust Me.

Dear God, please allow my story to continue to unfold, please allow me to trust You with my full heart. Please God, please, don’t let my story be done yet…

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5 responses to “Why is Trust so Hard?

  1. suzesmiff says:

    I am in awe of you Sarah! I hate cancer and how it is making you feel. I wish I could give you a big hug. Thoughts are prayers are with you tonight! thank you for sharing such raw emotion.

  2. Debbie Friend says:

    I am praying for you, Sarah! I kn!ow God has his hand on you. Thanks for sharing your innermost feelings with us today! Hugs, love, and prayers are sent your way

  3. Kim Collins says:

    Thank you for sharing your true thoughts and feelings here. You are so strong even in the midst of all the pain you feel. I love you and am so proud of you for everything you push through…all the embarrassment and insecurities you feel are completely normal. Just like you have to trust God, you have to trust your true friends too. We love you and support you through it all, hair or no hair, motorized scooter or none. Just being able to share time together is what we treasure and focus on. Everything else is just surface. We love you with our whole hearts…always!

  4. Lois Voeltz says:

    Hi Sarah, The Unterbrink family have long been our friends, from Phoenix time. Darin was one of the greatest babysitters our boys had! They loved him. And I enjoyed the opportunity to have him in my classes at Valley Lutheran HS. His folks are dear dear friends. As a result, we have followed your journey but I didn’t know about your blog until this month. KNOW that you folks are being covered by prayer in our Mountain Daylight Time Zone = Colorado. You are in our hearts. You all are role models for life! THANKS for writing from you heart. You certainly have the gift of putting thoughts/feelings/experiences into words for the rest of us. HUGS from us! ~Lois & Fritz Voeltz

  5. Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife, Mary Beth, have been through one of my biggest fears in life, the death of a child. The way they have grieved openly and through his music and their faith prevailing has been such a true inspiration. So glad you were able to be so blessed by God through his concert.

    I am truly sorry for all you are experiencing and know you must continue to hold your trust and faith in God, but please never feel afraid to show your weak spots in front of your friends. True friends will love you through it and I believe you have a boatload of those! God sends our friends to be His hands and feet here on Earth. I have had to learn to allow Him to send His hands and feet in my direction when I need them. Praying for you all!

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