that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

The Hidden Side

on September 9, 2014

just-breathe-source

A few years ago a friend of mine bought me a digital photo frame. I have it sitting right beside the couch on the end table and it runs through hundreds of pictures over and over. I sit here and I watch it and I see pictures of me smiling, laughing, cute, confident, holding our kids and kissing my husband. As I watch I wonder, who is that lady? When was life so easy that I just lived so carefree and smiled all the time?

Hot tears form in my eyes and a giant lump comes in my throat. I see my reflection in that photo frame. I see my bald head and I see the chemo swollen face and I know that I am certainly not the same person that is portrayed in those pictures. I miss that other woman so much and I wonder if I will ever be her again…

I know that Satan has been feeding me a strand of lies. Lies about my body, my face, my life, my future… You name it, the lies are there.

This is the part of cancer that I don’t let anyone see, I hide in my bedroom and I sob and let the tears just flow. Within the last few weeks, I have listened to these lies and I feel miserable, I feel like I can’t breathe. I sit up straight and try to fill my lungs with fresh air, but the tears just won’t stop long enough for me breathe deeply.

I usually wouldn’t let people see this side of me, I usually wouldn’t tell you about this side of cancer, but women all across this country are suffering from the same thing. They are strong and fighting, but they are also broken and fragile. I went in this morning to get my blood work done and as I sat in that chair watching other women coming in for chemo, I wanted to yell at them. Be strong!! Be courageous!!! All I can do though is silently pray for them in my head. Some of them were sitting in those chairs for the first time. I could see the fear on those faces, I could hear the questions they were asking.

I wanted to tell them about this side of cancer, the side that only happens when they are alone. I wanted to tell them not to listen to the lies of the enemy and to try and hold onto the confident side of themselves. I wanted to tell them to continue to fight the battle. It may be long, but they will get out of it… The problem is, I can’t even tell myself that. I have no confidence, I cry whenever I have to put that wig on and try to look normal. I put my makeup on and try to look like that lady whose pictures are flashing across that photo frame.

It’s not easy sharing all of this, it’s not easy living like this, but I’m talking to God and I am reading my bible and I am trying to listen to the truth. The truth that I am made in the image of God. Things are dark right now, but I am fighting to get out of here. I am very scared, but I will keep breathing and I won’t give up. Just because I am fighting, doesn’t mean I am losing.

What are you afraid of today? Are you listening to the lies from the enemy telling you that you aren’t pretty enough? You aren’t thin enough? You aren’t loved enough? Life isn’t easy, but God planned out your life before you were even born. He knows what you will be facing everyday before your feet even hit the floor. It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to let things out, but don’t forget to breathe, don’t forget to give it to God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope

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3 responses to “The Hidden Side

  1. The Rowley Family says:

    Keep reading and listening to HIS truth beautiful lady. Keeping you lifted in prayer❤️You are so strong ..Thank you so much for sharing a part of yourself with all of us. Blessings. ❤️

  2. Sharon Albright says:

    Sara it’s bewen ahilw since I’ve been able to read your emails (broken computer)! Sara so many times I pray for you and your faimly. You are not forgotten. God loves you, you are so special to HIm! The enemy is not in control, hes is not greater than our Lord! Thank you for sharing your thoughts – many times we do not reveal our true feelings, thank you for sharing with us. Your lovely spirit shines through and makes you beautiful! Think on that when the enemny tries to say otherwise. He doesn’t know what he;s talking about! Know that many prayers are said daily for you! I love you! I am still praying!

  3. sandra hess wilkins says:

    Sarah I pray for you and your family everyday, I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FORYOU WITHOUT CEASING. WE LOVE YOU

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