that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Joy? Where did it Go?

on September 16, 2014


I have 2 words that are tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. They say, “Choose Joy”. It’s my life theme…. So I thought… In a way it still is, but the old saying isn’t ringing true about practicing what you preach? I look at that tattoo often and I kind of cringe because nothing has been joyous in my life lately. Yes, I can look on the positive side and say I have three amazing kids and a awesome husband and I could include many other things, but as far as cancer goes, it hasn’t been that joyous.

I have chemo again tomorrow and I’m looking forward to another quiet day of spending time with God. It shouldn’t happen just once every 3 weeks and it doesn’t, but true uninterrupted quietness with God only happens during chemo. When I wake up in the morning, I have 5 devotional books that I read. I could have less, but I like all of these and they are short, so I don’t mind reading them. I recently have started something new though to help me remember my joy. I took a composition book out of the school closet and started writing my book of prayers.

Everyday and sometimes twice a day I write a specific prayer of, God, I am feeling this way or I need help with this. I date it and close it up. On days when I don’t think God is listening, I go back and read other prayers I have written and I then can see that yes, God is working in my life because things were really bad on this day or that day and I no longer feel that way anymore. It’s also a great way of putting my thoughts and feelings out on paper and not held inside. Depression as mentioned before has really been rough for me lately and I am trying to deal with it as best as I can.

This book thing is another great way of handling depression. I am not a Dr. or therapist so if it does not work for you, don’t go suing me as I am just telling you what is working for me so far. 😉

Joy is not something that is difficult to achieve, anyone can have joy. Joy comes in many shapes, sizes, colors, ideas. I can look at our kids and immediately feel joy, I can look at the full gas tank in the truck and immediately feel joy (because that rarely happens), I can look at a clean sink and immediately feel joy. So many ways I can feel joy, but lately Satan has been trying his best to steal those moments from me. Our kids for the most part have been amazing, but then something broke on the truck that is yet another bill, the sink is a constant runway of dirty dishes and on top of the little things, the big things like the pain from the cancer can immediately steal joy from my heart.

For someone who never has cried much in life, I can’t stop crying lately. I cry just talking normally to someone. I don’t know how to stop… People are starting to think I am crazy! (Well, I have been crazy all my life, just people are starting to notice now. 😉 ) Seriously though, my joy is being stolen from right out underneath of me and I am on a constant run chasing after it!

One of my biggest things that brings me joy is the beach, but lately it hasn’t been that good for me with the tube. It has been a trying summer having to stay out of the water, when all I want to do is swim. Some people go to gyms, some people exercise, I swim. It’s what I love and that has been taken away. I don’t even have the energy to take a walk on the beach anymore, so that one is out for me.

Tonight though I need your help, what brings you joy? What get’s you out of a funk? What makes you have a good old belly laugh? What makes you forget about any pain? I could truly use suggestions and if you have none to give, then could you pray for me tonight? I could truly use prayer always, but especially lately. I’m sorry I haven’t written much lately as I didn’t want to be Debbi Downer all the time. I will try to pick things up more as soon as I shake this funk! 😉

Proverbs 15:13 – “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.”



4 responses to “Joy? Where did it Go?

  1. Robin says:

    Hi, my name is Robin and you don’t know me but I pray for regularly! I get updates and your blog from Traci. I admire your brave attitude and your encouraging spirit even in the midst of your very real and painful trial! You may not know this but you are an inspiration! I am praying now for your joy to be complete through Christ Jesus as well as your body to be healed! Thank you for sharing and letting us peek into your heart and soul. God be with you now and always.

  2. Sharon says:

    Sara,I just got back home today! When I read your blog the scripture that came to me was John 15:11 (KJV). “These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.” Even when our joy is depleted our Lord’s joy remains in us because we love him. John 15:9(KJV) tells us that “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”John 15:10(KJV) tells us that we remain in His love as we “obey His commands.” When we do not have strength He is strong! When we don’t have joy He has joy! When we don’t know what He wants us to do, He knows what needs to be done! I pray that you may feel His joy, His strength, and His peace. He is with you always , He loves you. I’m still praying! Love to you and your family! I’m still being blessed by our wonderful visit!!

    • Sharon it was so wonderful visiting with the both of you! I can’t thank you enough for including me in your visit to the beach! Thank you again for everything and the sweet prayer you said for me! Love you both!

  3. suzesmiff says:

    I think about you everyday and wish that I was closer to you. I am sorry about your funk and hope you feel better soon. Just know that someone many miles away is thinking of you and praying that you have some sense of peace.

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