that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Thoughts on Life

10659333_10203254683103951_4740037828163120860_n(Drum major Caleb)

First  all, I want to thank each and every one of you for your prayers for me this week. It seems like I have weathered the worst of this horrific storm. I would love to say that would be the only one, but with cancer we can never know what it’s next move will be. When I was in the hospital I was loaded up on meds and that was right after chemo from all those meds, so those combined seemed to throw my body so out of whack, that I seriously thought death was right around the corner. I didn’t eat anything for 6 days and ended up losing 11 pounds in those 6 days. Not that I am complaining about losing weight, but definitely not the way you want to do it.

I still am having some appetite issues. I will absolutely crave something and then when I sit down to eat, I just lose my appetite and the thought of food absolutely disgust me. I have to force myself to eat to keep my strength up. I never want to be as weak again as I was last week.

I am waiting for my Dr. to schedule the pet scan to see where we stand. Darin and I have done a lot of heart searching and talking with God and have decided that if the tumor has grown even a little with all this chemo, I am going to stop taking chemo and live out what I have left hopefully with grace and peace. God has given me an absolutely amazing life that I couldn’t even have ever fathomed having. I have an amazing husband who is my rock everyday of my life. I have had the pleasure of laying down each night next to him and waking up every morning in his arms. We have been through so much and God has made us stronger through it all!

God gave us 3 kids that I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of these 3 kiddos. They are my heart… I went to the middle school football game last night and I sat and watched Caleb play the drums in the marching band and it took all I could do from not crying my eyes out. I was so blessed to see him perform and I pray I get to see him do that again and again. Montana is going to be getting braces in 6 days. She made sure I knew today since she has been counting down every day for the past 30+ days. 😉 She is so excited and even though I think she is already grown into a beautiful young woman, she is conscience of her smile. I can’t wait to see her bloom after braces.

Jax keeps us laughing all the time with his non stop silliness and the constant hugs all the time. When he comes to me and says, Mommy can I pray for you? My heart is barely beating because I know that he is such an amazing little man, a gift straight from God. When I look at these 3 kids, I swell with pride, I want to constantly gather them in my arms and tell them how much I love them, but I also know they need to be let go a little to learn how to grow up. They are the strongest kids that I know. They have been through more than any kid should ever have to endure.

I don’t want to be this sick for the rest of my life. I want to be out of pain from chemo and laugh and enjoy time with my family that God gave to me. If only for a little while, I need my time with them without being this sick. If the scan shows that it is shrinking or has shrunk, I will continue the chemo and continue the fight. Only God knows what is in store for me. All I know is it’s getting a lot tougher, the pain is getting a lot more extreme and I am finding myself talking to God a whole lot more.

This isn’t what I wanted for my life, this is nothing that I would have ever chosen for us. The thought was that we would grow old together and sit on our front porch and rock our grandbabies to sleep. I would watch Darin walk Montana down the aisle towards the man that God has chosen for her. I wanted to watch all 3 of them graduate and head off to college in search of their dreams. None of this is what I had planned and who knows, God could chose to heal me and I still will see all these things, but if not it breaks my heart to know how much I will miss out on. I hate cancer, I don’t understand how billions upon billions have been dumped into cancer research over how many years, and nothing has been discovered, not even a little glimmer of hope.

Tonight I am looking at our kids with a little more love, I may staring at my husband a little longer from across the table. Life has been a little harsh on us lately and it’s getting a little tougher on us. We try not to complain, but we are also relying on God a lot more. We aren’t real sure where to go from here, We cry together here and there, we hold onto each other and not say any words because sometimes there are none to say. I always said I would be honest on this blog and this is about as honest as I can get. This is tough and I don’t understand and will never understand why God ever chose us for this journey, but he did and we are trying to handle it as best as we can.

What are you facing tonight that seems so scary that it takes your breath away? Are you staring cancer in the face? Are you staring a major illness in the face? Have you recently lost someone that you love and you don’t know how you will go on? Oh my friend, give it to Jesus, He wants so much for you to rely on Him. He has so much in store for all of us, He is just waiting on us to call to Him, to love Him and to go to Him through all our needs and our praises. I may not have been healed this week, but by relying on God and praying to Him, He helped me get through a really rough time that I didn’t know for sure whether I was going to make it or not. Like I said on one of my other blogs, It’s those little victories, those little values that I have to grasp every single day or I will never make it through this. I am continuing to pray every day for a lot of other little things that I am wanting God to heal me from skin burns from the chemo, to getting sick every time I look at food, I am asking for strength to be able to enjoy our family time more and I am asking for Him to fix this sudden high blood pressure issue.

I’m so thankful that I have Jesus, you can have Him too. It’s never too late. He is always waiting!

1 Peter 5:10

But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus after that you have suffered a while, make you perfect, stable, strengthen and settle you.

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My Inner Demons

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Ever since what happened at chemo this past Tuesday, (read the last blog) something has been going on with me… First thing Wednesday morning, I went to the hospital to try and get my pain under control. I got drugged up pretty good and then sent home Friday on a Pain pump. By Friday night I was back in the ER to get the pain pump out. I couldn’t function, I couldn’t breathe and my anxiety was through the roof.

Ever since Friday, I have been afraid. Im not sure of what, but the fear is very real! I have been begging and pleading with God to make me whole again and to take the fear away. The burning in my stomach has been hurting so bad. I have been so sick and I am sure the anxiety has something to do with it. I have laid in bed and have literally been debilitated. I don’t want to move, I don’t want to get up.

I can only throw my hands up and cry, Hold me Jesus… hold me… I cry and I weep and I plead with Him to make me new again. I don’t want to be sick, I don’t want to have cancer anymore. The thought of more Dr.’s, hospitals, medications, chemo… it all is too much now. I have tried so hard to keep a smile on my face, I have tried not to allow all of this to get to me, but now it’s real and I am scared more than I can express.

It’s just a lot to take in right now. I know Jesus can heal me and I am waiting for His healing, so I continue to wait and I continue to pray. I get up and get dressed because I have too. I cant lay around and feel sorry for myself. I need His healing touch right now and I feel that I need to at least meet Him halfway.

If you pray, I could use your prayers right now. Prayers to take away this anxiety and fear that is so thick that it has sunk into my veins. Please pray for complete peace in my body, soul, mind and spirit. Please pray for me…

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind

 

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Life is Fragile

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Have you ever had your life flash before your eyes? I did a few times as a teenager, but today was something different. Today I had chemo and when I was almost done I started not feeling so great. Darin had just gotten there with Jax to pick me up to go home. I figured that I was just overly tired and sat back to wait for the chemo nurse to unhook my port so I could go.

After she unhooked me she ask if she had given me my schedule yet and I told her no. So she said don’t run off yet I’ll go get that and be right back. After she walked away, I suddenly started feeling terrible. Sharp pains in my stomach, itching and swelling my hands,  my heart was racing and I was turning blue. I literally could not get a breath in as hard as I tried. Darin looked at me and called over Jan the chemo nurse and she took one look at me and said dear God.

She grabbed her supply stand and shoved a needle back into my port and started meds and liquids in me, blood pressure cuff and o2 monitor came out. All I could do was close my eyes because everything just hurt. The Dr. came in and told the nurses what else they could do and finally after what seemed like hours, but was only about 30 minutes, my heart started slowing down and going back into rhythm. My color was returning to normal and I was able to take a full breath in.

I had to sit for about another hour to make sure it didn’t happen again. While sitting there I realized that God had just performed a miracle. This morning I had told Darin, why don’t we take separate vehicles instead of you dropping me off. That way when he would have had to go get Jax I could have just driven home like I do every chemo week. He wasn’t comfortable with that and told me that he would rather just pick me up.

The chemo nurse told me that if she didn’t have to get me my schedule and I would have driven myself home, she is sure that I would have never made it home and I would have died… God lined all that up perfectly that I could get the help I needed when I did.

What ended up happening was they give me a steroid as a pre med to prevent any side effects from the chemo. Well unfortunately that steroid does have an effect on me. For 2 to 3 days after chemo, I have anxiety so bad that I have wanted to kill myself. That’s what that steroid does to me. When I wake up the 4th day, nothing is wrong with me and I am normal again.

This morning I had ask them if they could not give me the steroid because of what it does to me. They said they had to give it to me, but they would half it and see how I tolerate that… Well obviously I didn’t tolerate that well at all. It was disappointing because now we are back to square one. However God had mercy on me today and although some of you may look at it like a small thing, it was a major miracle in my book. God spared my life today and for that I am so very thankful!

Has God ever spared your life before? Has He given you a miracle that you know without a doubt that He was with you? Today was that moment for me. I knew that He was with me, regardless of what happened and once again He spared my life. I can’t wait to see what plans He has for my life. I guarantee He has some great ones for your life too!!

1 Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses

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How Fast are your Season’s Changing?

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I lay in bed each night and hear the thump, thump, thump of the bass drums from the high school about a mile down the road. It tells me that fall is here. The open windows in our home and the orange leaves sporadically falling tell me that fall is here. Pumpkin whoopee pies, pumpkin cheesecake and pumpkin spice latte again tell me that fall is here.

However the pool is still open, I’m still wearing shorts, I’m still hanging my sheets on the line so the warm sun can dry them. I don’t know what happened, but somehow it’s October and I don’t know where my summer went. I only went to the beach maybe half a dozen times, I only got in the pool maybe the same amount and we didn’t spend many nights at all on the deck with a fire pit glowing in the background.

Then I am reminded that I have been sick most of the summer, I have been trying a lot of new drugs that make me forgot a lot of what is going on or has gone on. Before I knew what was happening, summer is gone and it’s starting to turn chilly and college football has been blaring on the TV all day on Saturday’s.

I couldn’t wait for summer to start because I guess I thought things would be different like I would feel better and things would go back to normal. However the summer was full of pain and hurt from the cancer. We did get to enjoy our road trip and although I had some days that were worse then others, for the most part that trip was what made our summer. We are still talking about it.

Now that the fall is in full swing, I am trying to wrap my mind around all that is going on. Activity after activity and somehow I’ve lost my energy. Now that the cancer has moved into the bladder it makes it a lot harder to stand for longer then 5 minutes or walk for any amount of distance. Everyday it’s a prayer of okay God, you woke me up. I need you to take control because I certainly do not have it! When I lay down in bed each night, I thank Him for getting me through the day. It may not be the way I would have liked to get through the day, but needless to say I made it.

When I think of how fast our seasons are changing, I think of how fast life is changing. We all rush from place to place in a hurry to enjoy the next thing or get to the next thing, when we just aren’t stopping to enjoy the moment we are in right now. I have some friends that are running from 6 in the morning to sometimes 10 or 11 at night with their kids activities.

When I think about how fast this year has gone by, it makes me sad that I have been either to sick or not in the right mind to enjoy it like I wanted to.

I’m changing things though. I have been trying to enjoy each day, no thinking ahead, no thinking behind, just dwelling in the moment of the day that God has provided me with. It’s hard, I won’t lie. Thinking about what the next week holds for us is tough because it’s another busy one. However I have to enjoy each day. If not the anxiety kicks in and then I can’t enjoy anything.

Seasons may change and months will fly by and what do you have to show for it? Stress? Heart pain? memories that flew by so quick that you can’t enjoy them? What will it take for you to slow down and just enjoy the days that fly by. I missed a lot of the summer, but I certainly will try to enjoy the fall!

You never know what God wants to say to you and if we are always on the run, you never want to miss the opportunity to hear from Him.

 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22  For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 

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What is your Value in?

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Last night I thought of the possible surgery coming up on my kidney and I lost it, my anxiety hit the roof and I sobbed. I called my Daddy to pray for me and he can usually give me a good pep talk and set me straight. I finally fell asleep and got up early to get to the urologist appointment. I seriously felt like I would puke. Last night I had prayed that if God didn’t want me to have this surgery, then to somehow show me what I need to do.

I met the Dr. and after him explaining everything to us, I have chosen not to have the surgery. He said the ONLY thing that is a benefit from this surgery is to have the tube out. On the other hand if I were to have the surgery then the healing process would slow down my immune system and a good chance could happen that the cancer would then spread like wildfire. Let’s see tube out, or cancer growing… Yep I will deal with the tube and continue being Mrs. Tube-a-lot. 😉

He also said the kidney will eventually die off and then we can take the tube out without any surgery. I thanked God for allowing me this little victory. Another victory this week is after 8 months of paperwork, I was finally approved for Medicaid! This is huge as we have stacks upon stacks of medical bills and to have some of those taken care of is a huge weight off our shoulders.

Last night I had a dream that I like to call my God lesson dreams. Our church had needed something for the building and it was rather expensive. We were standing in the social hall, but for some reason there were a lot of heating vents on the floor. A little old lady flagged down one of the deacons and she said, I have something for the building fund. He acted excited until the little lady opened her hand and dropped a shiny penny in his hand.

He looked at it and kind of sighed then I’m not sure whether it accidently fell or he dropped it, but it fell down into the heating vent. He looked at her and said, oh well, it was just a penny. She looked at him and said it wasn’t just a penny. I have been holding onto that penny all my life. It was a 1929 wheat penny and it was worth $20,000. The deacon looked at her and you could see the pain in his eyes.

I woke up and laid there and wondered what that was all about. Immediately in my head I heard, Never take the value away from the small things… Yes God I heard you!! Here I am everyday expecting healing from the big things. When God has been giving me these little victories over and over and I really haven’t been paying attention. I was not giving value to those little things. If I can’t appreciate the little things then how am I going to be thankful for the big things.

From now on, I am going to celebrate every victory that comes along whether big or small!! Not having surgery and getting help with bills are a huge value in what some would see as little things.

Are you missing the value in the little things? How many times do we shoot for the big things and we never appreciate what is right in front of us. Look around you today and try and find happiness in those little things.

Isaiah 40:31 But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint

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