that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Thoughts on Life

on October 16, 2014

10659333_10203254683103951_4740037828163120860_n(Drum major Caleb)

First  all, I want to thank each and every one of you for your prayers for me this week. It seems like I have weathered the worst of this horrific storm. I would love to say that would be the only one, but with cancer we can never know what it’s next move will be. When I was in the hospital I was loaded up on meds and that was right after chemo from all those meds, so those combined seemed to throw my body so out of whack, that I seriously thought death was right around the corner. I didn’t eat anything for 6 days and ended up losing 11 pounds in those 6 days. Not that I am complaining about losing weight, but definitely not the way you want to do it.

I still am having some appetite issues. I will absolutely crave something and then when I sit down to eat, I just lose my appetite and the thought of food absolutely disgust me. I have to force myself to eat to keep my strength up. I never want to be as weak again as I was last week.

I am waiting for my Dr. to schedule the pet scan to see where we stand. Darin and I have done a lot of heart searching and talking with God and have decided that if the tumor has grown even a little with all this chemo, I am going to stop taking chemo and live out what I have left hopefully with grace and peace. God has given me an absolutely amazing life that I couldn’t even have ever fathomed having. I have an amazing husband who is my rock everyday of my life. I have had the pleasure of laying down each night next to him and waking up every morning in his arms. We have been through so much and God has made us stronger through it all!

God gave us 3 kids that I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of these 3 kiddos. They are my heart… I went to the middle school football game last night and I sat and watched Caleb play the drums in the marching band and it took all I could do from not crying my eyes out. I was so blessed to see him perform and I pray I get to see him do that again and again. Montana is going to be getting braces in 6 days. She made sure I knew today since she has been counting down every day for the past 30+ days. 😉 She is so excited and even though I think she is already grown into a beautiful young woman, she is conscience of her smile. I can’t wait to see her bloom after braces.

Jax keeps us laughing all the time with his non stop silliness and the constant hugs all the time. When he comes to me and says, Mommy can I pray for you? My heart is barely beating because I know that he is such an amazing little man, a gift straight from God. When I look at these 3 kids, I swell with pride, I want to constantly gather them in my arms and tell them how much I love them, but I also know they need to be let go a little to learn how to grow up. They are the strongest kids that I know. They have been through more than any kid should ever have to endure.

I don’t want to be this sick for the rest of my life. I want to be out of pain from chemo and laugh and enjoy time with my family that God gave to me. If only for a little while, I need my time with them without being this sick. If the scan shows that it is shrinking or has shrunk, I will continue the chemo and continue the fight. Only God knows what is in store for me. All I know is it’s getting a lot tougher, the pain is getting a lot more extreme and I am finding myself talking to God a whole lot more.

This isn’t what I wanted for my life, this is nothing that I would have ever chosen for us. The thought was that we would grow old together and sit on our front porch and rock our grandbabies to sleep. I would watch Darin walk Montana down the aisle towards the man that God has chosen for her. I wanted to watch all 3 of them graduate and head off to college in search of their dreams. None of this is what I had planned and who knows, God could chose to heal me and I still will see all these things, but if not it breaks my heart to know how much I will miss out on. I hate cancer, I don’t understand how billions upon billions have been dumped into cancer research over how many years, and nothing has been discovered, not even a little glimmer of hope.

Tonight I am looking at our kids with a little more love, I may staring at my husband a little longer from across the table. Life has been a little harsh on us lately and it’s getting a little tougher on us. We try not to complain, but we are also relying on God a lot more. We aren’t real sure where to go from here, We cry together here and there, we hold onto each other and not say any words because sometimes there are none to say. I always said I would be honest on this blog and this is about as honest as I can get. This is tough and I don’t understand and will never understand why God ever chose us for this journey, but he did and we are trying to handle it as best as we can.

What are you facing tonight that seems so scary that it takes your breath away? Are you staring cancer in the face? Are you staring a major illness in the face? Have you recently lost someone that you love and you don’t know how you will go on? Oh my friend, give it to Jesus, He wants so much for you to rely on Him. He has so much in store for all of us, He is just waiting on us to call to Him, to love Him and to go to Him through all our needs and our praises. I may not have been healed this week, but by relying on God and praying to Him, He helped me get through a really rough time that I didn’t know for sure whether I was going to make it or not. Like I said on one of my other blogs, It’s those little victories, those little values that I have to grasp every single day or I will never make it through this. I am continuing to pray every day for a lot of other little things that I am wanting God to heal me from skin burns from the chemo, to getting sick every time I look at food, I am asking for strength to be able to enjoy our family time more and I am asking for Him to fix this sudden high blood pressure issue.

I’m so thankful that I have Jesus, you can have Him too. It’s never too late. He is always waiting!

1 Peter 5:10

But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus after that you have suffered a while, make you perfect, stable, strengthen and settle you.


6 responses to “Thoughts on Life

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hi Sarah. We continually pray for God’s healing for you. Ellie just read your post and she said an extra special prayer. We love you and Darin and your beautiful family. Even when we don’t comment – we are reading and praying! My heart is heavy and we will pray even more that the tumors have shrunk.
    Jenni, Brian, Ellie & Jack

  2. Kelly Smith says:

    You are an amazing woman! My thoughts and prayers are with you every day!

  3. Sandra Hess Greenfield says:

    I texted my pastor the other night and asked him to pray for you, you were weighing so heavy on my heart. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for your test results and that God blesses you in a special way that only he can do. Love You

  4. Sharon says:

    Sarah, Caleb looks so much like you! What a sweet picture! The verse that came to me after I read your message, “Thoughts on Life”, was in John Chapter 6 (NIV) . Jesus speaks of eternal life in previous verses of this chapter. In verse 68 “Simon Peter answered Him,”Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” I thank our Father that you know whom to go to! Dear Father, I ask in Jesus name for Sara to feel your healing power, and to know that so many are calling her name out in prayer. I pray that she will feel relief from pain and that she will be able to eat and rest and be refreshed.Thank you for your Word and for the Holy Spirit. When we know not how to pray you hear our innermost thoughts. When we don’t know what to do we can trust you to show us . I thank you for Sarah and her husband and children. Please bless them in a special way.Amen. I am still praying and still thinking of you. You are loved.

  5. Lois Voeltz says:

    Sarah & Darin and kids, What energy, focus, love, care, wisdom, strength and courage you all have and that you, Sarah, share in words for all of us. Amazing! You all remain in our hearts and prayers, several time zones away! God’s Words for you all: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 Know that we are stand beside you all and hold you during these difficult times. Our God is in the midst. Hugs! ~Lois & Fritz

  6. Sharon says:

    Sarah- still praying and thinking of you and your family. Love you.

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