that crazy cancer girl

My journey through cervical cancer

Trying to Run

temptation_575

I was screaming at my brother to take him away! Get him away from me Matt! The tears were streaming down my face as my brother tried to get me close to the ugliest, scariest, red headed, wrinkle faced man. He sounded like a demon when he talked and I kept running as fast as I could to get away. Matt kept telling me that this guy was good and he had good stuff. I just kept crying and trembling trying to get away.

Finally I ran up to my parents old bedroom and locked all the windows and doors so this man couldn’t get through. I laid down to get to sleep and before I knew it, I felt his slithery hand wrapped around my wrist as he tried to get a handcuff on me to tether me to himself. I started screaming for my Mom as loud as I could because I knew I would find comfort with her.

While I was screaming, Darin started shaking me to wake me up and I started to cry realizing it was just a nasty nightmare. I laid there for hours afterwards wondering what provoked that kind of a nightmare. Suddenly God showed everything to me. I have been doing my best to try and proclaim God’s name through this journey. I have been fighting and fighting to still thank God through the pain and suffering.

I also have been allowing depression and anxiety to slowly seep through my life and as hard as I fight it, it’s still there. The nightmare showed me that no matter how good of a Christian we are, no matter how much we strive to stay close to God, Satan will always try to get a foot hold in and slither his way into our lives to try and bring us down. To try and let us know that he can still get to us. When I was yelling for my Mom, I called for her because subconsciously I knew she was with God and she would help me wake up from this awful nightmare.

I never want to give Satan a foothold in my life. I have fought to hard and to long to get my life back with God where it belongs, to allow him to try and pull me back down again. Regardless of what I face on a day to day basis, I have to keep God as close as possible, because I can go to the best Dr in the world, the best hospitals in the world and take the best medicine, but God, He has the final say so on my life. He already knows whether this cancer will kill me or if it become a strong tower to praise his name through healing.

Satan is going to try to continue to bring me down. He will still try to do whatever it takes to keep my mind on my pain and off of Jesus. He can try as much as he wants, but he will never win. If you have read your bible, we already knows who wins in the end. We already know that regardless of what Satan tries, he still loses in the end.

Will I be scared at times? Absolutely! Will I have anxiety at times? I sure will, but you know what? I can give it to God and He will help me. I can’t let it dig in deep, I can’t let it take over my thoughts and my mind. I will continue to praise Him through this storm and when Satan wants to try and slither his way in, he better be ready for a fight!

What are you allowing to get to you lately? Has Satan been trying to get a foothold in your life to try and get you away from God, or keep you away from God? Pray against him today and don’t allow him to get close to you at all! Jesus wants to be the only one close to you. He wants you to come to Him in time of need and call on Him when things get tough. Through any storm go To Jesus and know that He will surround you in His safety.

James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you

1 Comment »

How do you Support?

10628395_10203084287204160_4877870327499965220_n

Seven years ago, I had recently lost our Mama to breast cancer and I will admit, I was a little angry. At cancer, at God at everyone who told me that it would be ok, She’s in a better place… I heard it all, but didn’t want to hear any of it.

One day in September shortly after Mom passed I loaded the boys up in the truck and went to run some chores as Montana was in school. As I came around the corner of the Pembroke Mall, all I saw was a sea of pink. Fire trucks, tents, t-shirts, fire fighters, everything was pink. Of course the curiosity got the best of me and I quickly pulled over. I knew Darin was on his way home for lunch so I called him and told him to meet me at the mall.

We started walking towards all this pink and when I finally spoke to someone and got the story, I was so thankful for the sunglasses I was wearing so no one could see the fresh, hot, tears that were brimming at my eyes. This man, named Dave Graybill who was a retired fire fighter from AZ had wanted to start a movement across the country to help support millions of women who battle all  different cancers everyday. He told me more about The Pink Heals Tour and the “Cares Enough to Wear Pink” initiative whose purpose is to provide visionary leaders and the general public with a program that maintains fund raising dollars locally in support of women and their families. He stood there and talked with me for a while and then we went our separate ways.

I had the honor of signing the pink fire truck in memory of my sweet Mama. That was the first breaking point for me that I actually allowed myself to truly cry that our Mom was gone. Over the years, Dave and his crew of fire fighters from all over the country have visited Virginia Beach and hundreds of other states every year in hopes of raising awareness and supporting local women who need that extra support.

This morning my friend Kim text me and said I’m coming over around 10 to bring you something and I can’t wait to see your face… Seriously y’all, no one should have to see this face before 10 am on a Saturday! I reluctantly got up and took a shower because today was the day that Dave was brining the crew back to Virginia Beach for the annual tour.

When I got downstairs, I had just sat down when I heard sirens. Not just sirens out on the Blvd., but sirens like coming down my road!!! I knew right away what was going on and ask Darin if he has anything to do with them coming here. He said he did not, but he did know. I will have to say, I was honored that these people from all over the US came to see me, at my house! I was beyond humbled and believe it or not a wee bit speechless!

Later on we went to my buddy Stan’s restaurant where the trucks were setting up for the community and got to sign them and visit a little bit longer and then say our goodbyes.

When I think about things like this, I think what selfless things people do to help others. None of these people have to do this, none of these folks have to drive fire trucks all over the USA supporting and helping people they don’t even know. Yet day after day, month after month, they sign up and they say pick me, choose me! I want to help as many people as I can against this awful disease!

I can’t even begin to tell you how great it feels just to sign the truck. To see the thousands upon thousands of signatures and notes all over those trucks, knowing that each and every person is somehow affected by cancer… It truly is humbling. Today was a great day with the Pink Heals tour trucks and I am so thankful this year to even experience it on a more personal level. I am truly thankful to Dave for starting such a phenomenal project and also to the Virginia Chapter that has just as much passion as Dave and uses it locally to help those in our own communities.

How are you affected by cancer? Do you know someone, or do you suffer yourself? Are you a nurse or a Dr who works with cancer patients? How about a runner for cancer races? There are so many ways that we can get involved to help someone else go on when they don’t have the strength to do it themselves. We even have a group of ladies in our church that make prayer quilts for those who are sick. So many, many way to help others. What will you do with that challenge?

If you would like to read more, here is the website for the pink heals tour http://www.pinkfiretrucks.org/

2 Comments »

What do you Pray for?

pray

I know I have mentioned this before, but my sweet Mama was a prayer warrior. I don’t think she ever stopped praying! Every time she heard a siren she would stop what she was doing and pray for the first responders to be safe and for whoever they were going for to feel peace and for no one to leave this earth without knowing God. We would all say amen and continue on with whatever we were doing. Growing up at the time in a smaller town we didn’t hear many sirens.

I remember though the first time Mom and Dad came to visit us here at the beach and she heard a siren and stopped what she was doing and prayed. About 5 minutes later she heard another and prayed again. This happened time after time throughout the day and that evening we were sitting on the deck and she heard another one. Her face looked kind of tired and she said, Dear Lord, forgive me for this, but will you please help and bless everyone who is in need of first responders while we are here, for I surely can’t keep up with the excitement here in this city!

Oh we laughed and teased her for a bit and she felt so bad like she was disobeying God for not praying for each one of them. It’s funny how we pick up things from our parents. Even when I was an EMT I would pray in my head for the person that was in the back of the ambulance. I still pray every time I here a siren.

The bible says “To pray without ceasing”. I certainly feel that I am doing a lot of that lately. As soon as I wake up I am praying for the day and for my family, I am continuing to pray for my healing and for God to help so many others. Today was one of those days where I know I needed to pray, but I couldn’t find the words. Two days after chemo, severe anxiety kicks in and I am so out of sorts that I can barely function. The pain on top of that today left me with a whole lot to say, but no words would come.

There is a beautiful praise and worship song out that can put exactly what I felt today in a 3 minute song. The words say…

I bow my head to pray, I don’t know what to say
I’m not sure how to fix the things I’m dealing with
I’m in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don’t know how, to let it all pour out
Though I’m silent, my heart is crying
Cause I was made to come to You

So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it’s just to speak Your name
I’m gonna pray

I failed to find the time, but You’ve been calling out
I let the days go by as if I could live without
But it’s gotta be here now, I won’t be pulled away
Cause it’s just You and I, so let the world around us fade

As I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it’s just to speak Your name
I’m gonna pray
I’m gonna pray

(Father)
Will You meet me here right now?
(Father)
I surrender, lay it down
(Father)
And every time I close my eyes
I know that I was made
To lift my hands and pray
I lift my hands and pray

You know my heart, You know my need
And every single part of me
So even if it’s just to speak Your name

I’m gonna pray
I’m gonna pray

You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
I bring willing words and one heart [?]
Take it as an offering

God knows our thoughts before they even run through our lips. He is waiting for us to come to Him and speak to Him. Not just when we need something from Him either. He wants to hear about our day and what we are thankful for. He wants us to let Him know that we love Him and appreciate all that He does for us through the good AND the bad.

What does prayer mean to you? Do you only use it when you need something from God? Do you thank Him for your family or that unexpected bonus? How about for the person driving slow in front of you that you found out later prevented you from getting into an accident had you not been behind him? So many things that God wants us to talk to Him about. How about taking time tonight before you go to bed and listen to this song and take a moment to thank God for everything He has done in your life.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 Pray continually

 

 

3 Comments »

Joy? Where did it Go?

stolen-joy

I have 2 words that are tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. They say, “Choose Joy”. It’s my life theme…. So I thought… In a way it still is, but the old saying isn’t ringing true about practicing what you preach? I look at that tattoo often and I kind of cringe because nothing has been joyous in my life lately. Yes, I can look on the positive side and say I have three amazing kids and a awesome husband and I could include many other things, but as far as cancer goes, it hasn’t been that joyous.

I have chemo again tomorrow and I’m looking forward to another quiet day of spending time with God. It shouldn’t happen just once every 3 weeks and it doesn’t, but true uninterrupted quietness with God only happens during chemo. When I wake up in the morning, I have 5 devotional books that I read. I could have less, but I like all of these and they are short, so I don’t mind reading them. I recently have started something new though to help me remember my joy. I took a composition book out of the school closet and started writing my book of prayers.

Everyday and sometimes twice a day I write a specific prayer of, God, I am feeling this way or I need help with this. I date it and close it up. On days when I don’t think God is listening, I go back and read other prayers I have written and I then can see that yes, God is working in my life because things were really bad on this day or that day and I no longer feel that way anymore. It’s also a great way of putting my thoughts and feelings out on paper and not held inside. Depression as mentioned before has really been rough for me lately and I am trying to deal with it as best as I can.

This book thing is another great way of handling depression. I am not a Dr. or therapist so if it does not work for you, don’t go suing me as I am just telling you what is working for me so far. 😉

Joy is not something that is difficult to achieve, anyone can have joy. Joy comes in many shapes, sizes, colors, ideas. I can look at our kids and immediately feel joy, I can look at the full gas tank in the truck and immediately feel joy (because that rarely happens), I can look at a clean sink and immediately feel joy. So many ways I can feel joy, but lately Satan has been trying his best to steal those moments from me. Our kids for the most part have been amazing, but then something broke on the truck that is yet another bill, the sink is a constant runway of dirty dishes and on top of the little things, the big things like the pain from the cancer can immediately steal joy from my heart.

For someone who never has cried much in life, I can’t stop crying lately. I cry just talking normally to someone. I don’t know how to stop… People are starting to think I am crazy! (Well, I have been crazy all my life, just people are starting to notice now. 😉 ) Seriously though, my joy is being stolen from right out underneath of me and I am on a constant run chasing after it!

One of my biggest things that brings me joy is the beach, but lately it hasn’t been that good for me with the tube. It has been a trying summer having to stay out of the water, when all I want to do is swim. Some people go to gyms, some people exercise, I swim. It’s what I love and that has been taken away. I don’t even have the energy to take a walk on the beach anymore, so that one is out for me.

Tonight though I need your help, what brings you joy? What get’s you out of a funk? What makes you have a good old belly laugh? What makes you forget about any pain? I could truly use suggestions and if you have none to give, then could you pray for me tonight? I could truly use prayer always, but especially lately. I’m sorry I haven’t written much lately as I didn’t want to be Debbi Downer all the time. I will try to pick things up more as soon as I shake this funk! 😉

Proverbs 15:13 – “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.”

 

4 Comments »

The Hidden Side

just-breathe-source

A few years ago a friend of mine bought me a digital photo frame. I have it sitting right beside the couch on the end table and it runs through hundreds of pictures over and over. I sit here and I watch it and I see pictures of me smiling, laughing, cute, confident, holding our kids and kissing my husband. As I watch I wonder, who is that lady? When was life so easy that I just lived so carefree and smiled all the time?

Hot tears form in my eyes and a giant lump comes in my throat. I see my reflection in that photo frame. I see my bald head and I see the chemo swollen face and I know that I am certainly not the same person that is portrayed in those pictures. I miss that other woman so much and I wonder if I will ever be her again…

I know that Satan has been feeding me a strand of lies. Lies about my body, my face, my life, my future… You name it, the lies are there.

This is the part of cancer that I don’t let anyone see, I hide in my bedroom and I sob and let the tears just flow. Within the last few weeks, I have listened to these lies and I feel miserable, I feel like I can’t breathe. I sit up straight and try to fill my lungs with fresh air, but the tears just won’t stop long enough for me breathe deeply.

I usually wouldn’t let people see this side of me, I usually wouldn’t tell you about this side of cancer, but women all across this country are suffering from the same thing. They are strong and fighting, but they are also broken and fragile. I went in this morning to get my blood work done and as I sat in that chair watching other women coming in for chemo, I wanted to yell at them. Be strong!! Be courageous!!! All I can do though is silently pray for them in my head. Some of them were sitting in those chairs for the first time. I could see the fear on those faces, I could hear the questions they were asking.

I wanted to tell them about this side of cancer, the side that only happens when they are alone. I wanted to tell them not to listen to the lies of the enemy and to try and hold onto the confident side of themselves. I wanted to tell them to continue to fight the battle. It may be long, but they will get out of it… The problem is, I can’t even tell myself that. I have no confidence, I cry whenever I have to put that wig on and try to look normal. I put my makeup on and try to look like that lady whose pictures are flashing across that photo frame.

It’s not easy sharing all of this, it’s not easy living like this, but I’m talking to God and I am reading my bible and I am trying to listen to the truth. The truth that I am made in the image of God. Things are dark right now, but I am fighting to get out of here. I am very scared, but I will keep breathing and I won’t give up. Just because I am fighting, doesn’t mean I am losing.

What are you afraid of today? Are you listening to the lies from the enemy telling you that you aren’t pretty enough? You aren’t thin enough? You aren’t loved enough? Life isn’t easy, but God planned out your life before you were even born. He knows what you will be facing everyday before your feet even hit the floor. It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to let things out, but don’t forget to breathe, don’t forget to give it to God.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope

3 Comments »

Sisterly Love

263111_1914861947332_33518_n

We shared a big white bed of our grandma’s every night till we were about 10. That’s when we came back from youth camp and our parents had gotten us new carpet, 2 separate twin beds, new comforters and pink frilly mauve colored curtains with tie backs. I thought we had hit the lottery!! I remember those first few nights I didn’t know what to think. We had shared a bed for so long that even though it was only a twin bed, it felt like I was a million miles from my sister Becky!

I could share a multitude of memories on here about her because we are only 2 years apart and spent most of our childhood a lot closer then the others. She was the one I looked up to, she was the one I wanted to be like. As we got older, I would be so nervous for her if she snuck out the window at night to go meet her friends. I would always worry that she would be in an accident or something. In high school she was the popular one while I hung more with the tree huggers who wore Doc Martins. She made fun of me relentlessly, but I was always proud to say that I had  sister in the popular group.

Life eventually drug us apart and she went one way and I went the other. However we were never without phones, emails, text and so much more. The other day she called me and said, “I’m calling to just check in on you and see how you are doing”. That my friends is something that is new to our family. Now don’t get me wrong, we love each other like crazy, but we don’t usually just check in with each other and tell each other we love each other. It wasn’t until I got sick that we realized how short life truly is and that we needed to tell each other now rather than wait until it’s too late.

Becky means the world to me and she is still in with the popular girls and I am proud of her for that, because they aren’t know as the mean girls anymore. Her group of girls love me and pray for me just as much as anyone else.

Tomorrow is Becky’s birthday and as much as I wish I could be there, I wanted her to know how much I love and appreciate her! Becky, I still look up to you and I am so proud  of the wife, mother and friend that you have become. Thank you for still loving your crazy, little sister and thank you for your prayers. Check your mail Monday and you will have something special waiting for you!! 😉 I love you!!!

Do you appreciate your siblings? If you do, do you tell them? Why wait until something happens and they are not around before you say, “Oh I wish I would have told them I loved them more, I wish I would have told them I appreciated them more”. Never wait on things that matter! Take that first step to tell them first. If it’s a strained relationship them it’s even better that you make that first step. I pray you all have a blessed day and if you would like to, then leave a little birthday message on here for my sweet sister Becky!

2 Comments »

OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!!

mouth

I was riding in the back seat of a white Monte Carlo circa late 80’s, early 90’s driving down the belt through Washington DC. A friend of mine with his mouth full of chew was driving with his wife in the shotgun. A few of my girlfriends and I were in the back seat with the radio jacked and singing at the top of our lungs. We were teenagers living free and having fun with the windows down and when the end of the song came, we all opened our mouths as wide as they could go so we could hit that last note just right!

Just as I did that, something nasty came flying in my mouth at full speed straight to the back of my throat. It caught me off guard and I started sputtering trying to spit it out. Finally as I got it all out and realized everyone was almost peeing their pants laughing at me. I then realized that my friend who was driving had spit his chew out the window and it caught the wind just enough to blow right in the back directly in my mouth… I’ll give you a moment to gag as I still have that reaction every time I remember that story. I constantly think, if only I would have shut my mouth then I wouldn’t have had to deal with such nastiness!!

Over the years, I have not opened my mouth that much. I don’t like to be in the lime light and I don’t try to make myself known in crowds. I guess you could say I am sort of a wallflower. I don’t mind being in the shadows as it’s really comfortable there. Many times I felt God wanting me to talk to this stranger or that stranger about Him, but I didn’t have the courage. I kept saying, “God, that’s not me, I don’t talk to random people. I like to keep my mouth shut.”

When I found out I had cancer, once again I felt God telling me and pushing me to tell more people about Him. “But God, I’m sick, I’m weak… I’m broken” Every time I disobeyed Him, I was losing a piece of myself. No one wants to listen to some sick person. The truth is, I didn’t believe God could shine His light through me, someone with cancer, someone who was falling apart. I didn’t want people to see me sick and broken. I prayed to just let me be and not make me bring someone into my happy little shell.

God obviously had other plans for me, plans to open my mouth! He didn’t care that I was sick, He wanted people to hear my words while I was sick, broken and weak. He wanted people to see that even through life’s trials, we can still rejoice and praise God! Through every circumstance we can open our mouths and praise Him with singing and prayers!

As much as I would have enjoyed having my mouth closed that nasty day of the flying chew, I am so glad that God has opened my mouth now to tell others about Him! Through the good days and the bad days, I will open my mouth and proclaim the glory of the Lord!!

How about you?? Are you a quiet person? Do you only get loud when something you are passionate about such as sports, cars or things of that nature come along? Or are you a loud person who likes to be heard all. the. time? What about when it’s about Jesus? How loud do you get then? Do you open your mouth wide and sing His praises or are you more of a closed mouth person. God certainly opened His mouth for you when He sent His son to die on the cross for your sins. He didn’t have to, but He loves you so much that He had no other choice. Think about the next time something arises where you can maybe tell someone about God. Will your mouth be open or closed?

Matthew 10:33  But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

1 Comment »

Hurt People, Hurt People

hurt-people

Fine then!!! I don’t want to talk to you either!! I slammed the door and ran up to our bedroom. Oh boy… when did I get so moody and so uptight over the littlest things? I laid across our bed and tried to think about what exactly it was that we were arguing over.  Why were we arguing? How did that one little thing turn into something blown way out of proportion?

When I was a teenager, our church kiosk was still one that you had to put the letters on instead of these fancy computerized ones now. The youth would take turns going out and putting up the letters for the week. When it was my turn, I was handed the sheet that simply said, Hurt People, Hurt People… Was this some kind of joke? Where was the rest of it? I walked back inside and said I don’t understand this, how is anyone else going to understand? The secretary simply said, that was it and to go put it up.

As I was putting it up, I wracked my brain and wondered what could this overly simple quote mean? It took me weeks before I realized that it meant that people who are hurting lash out and hurt others…

Ouch… That’s what I have been doing and I am not proud about it at all!! I have in fact been physically hurting to the point where I get angry because I want it to go away. I am missing out on life! I am missing out on fun things and places to go, simply because I am hurting so badly. If someone says something that strikes me wrong, I fly off the deep end without even thinking about it… Hurt People, Hurt People.

When we go through times of trial and times of heartache, shouldn’t we be uplifting each other? Shouldn’t we be leaning on each other and encouraging each other? Why is it so easy to lash out when we are hurting? That’s exactly what Satan wants… He wants us to be ugly towards each other and to tear each other down when we need encouragement the most.

As I slowly got off the bed and made my way towards Darin, I apologized and ask for forgiveness. Darin understands what I am going through, he has been walking this walk with me for almost a year. He knows when I am hurting and when I feel good. We share all these emotions together. He wraps his arms around me and I whisper, I’m sorry once again for my quick reaction to hurt before I think. He tells me that he forgives me and we pray together for healing.

Do you hurt when you should be helping? Do you allow your words to lash out at others when they don’t deserve it? Next time you start to lash out, why don’t you take a moment and think about your words before they leave your mouth. Our words have the ability to truly hurt someone. Do you want to be responsible for hurting someone else? The Bible tells us not to hurt others, even when they have hurt us first. In Romans 12:17, the Bible tells us, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil.” Instead, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse” (Romans 12:14). The Bible goes on to say, “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath” (Romans 12:19). God is the one who will repay those who hurt you.

Take time out today to make someone’s day by giving them a compliment or telling someone you love them out of the blue. You may be hurting from physical or mental pain, but don’t let that pave the way for your day. Encourage and uplift!

Romans 8:18  For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

 

Leave a comment »

God Wants Time with You!

thRVI70EPF

When I was a teenager, I had something that every teenager has… an attitude. Some days it was a great attitude and some days it was seriously lacking. I realized back then that depending on my attitude, it would either be a good day or a bad day. On those bad days I missed out on a lot of fun things. I was hard headed and didn’t want to give in.

Lately I have been dealing with depression and a lot of attitudes it’s completely normal given the circumstances I am in. When I first started on this journey it wasn’t that bad compared to what I am facing now. It was easy to have my bad moments and then quickly get over it and move on an figure out what needed to be done to fix it. Lately it has been compounded things over and over again and it has drug me down to the point where I am struggling to pick myself back up.

I won’t go into detail, but the pain has simply been ungodly and I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse. Today I had chemo and I got up and put my devotional books into my bag along with my ipod, headphones, snacks and my prayer quilt and headed off to the cancer center. I was by myself today because the kids had loads of activities and Darin had to work. Everyone was going one way or the other. I was a little bummed that I didn’t have anyone to sit with, but in a way I took it as a blessing to spend some time with God.

They hooked up my port with the meds and I put the feet up on the recliner and put my headphones in and had praise and worship music on and started reading my devotions. It felt so good because I haven’t been reading my devotions daily like I should have been. I was craving much needed time with God and as I sat there reading and listening to the music, I felt a peace come over me that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

I closed my eyes and prayed and then fell asleep as I felt so at peace. That is something that never happens because my mind never shuts up! The rest of the day I was able to pray for some of the other patients and just could not stop smiling. I know that people were praying for me today and I know that God was craving time with me! I felt your prayers without a doubt! I still tonight as I sit here in bed typing this have a smile on my face and peace in my heart. It feels so good not to have that spirit of depression in my face non stop. I fully believe that God was just waiting for me to bring it all to Him through prayer and devotions.

Anyone can call themselves a Christian, but if you don’t feed your mind and spirit with God’s word and prayer then what are you gaining? It’s the same thing as a marriage or a friendship, if you don’t invest time and energy then what kind of marriage will you have? What kind of friendships will you have? God is the same way, He is our friend, He is our heavenly Father. He wants to spend time with us and the only way we can do that is to talk to Him and read His word.  I pray everyday, but with so much going on I have not read the bible as I should. I have no excuse because the time I spent on Facebook, or my phone I could have been reading the bible or my devotions then. I know God forgives me and my spirit needed that time today to spend with my God.

How about you? Do you read the bible everyday or read a devotional everyday? How do you feed your spirit? How do you get a closer relationship with God? He wants to have one with you so bad! It doesn’t take much and if you don’t have a bible, please let me know and I will get you one!! I don’t want anyone to miss out because they don’t have the tools to feed your spirit and have a closer relationship with God! Talk to Him tonight, that doesn’t cost anything. He is waiting!

Romans 5:8   But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us

2 Comments »

Why is Trust so Hard?

trust

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

 

I have listened to this song over and over for weeks on end now and last night I had the privilege of hearing it sung by the man who wrote it. Steven Curtis Chapman. It was such a beautiful concert! Like so many other songs, the words of this one seems to hit right where I need them to hit. It seems to be maybe a promise from God that my story is not yet done.

I’ll be honest with you all… I’m not always put together, I am not always positive and I am struggling. Yes, I am human… This month has been a tough one. I have battled depression more so than ever. Matter of fact as I type this I have a huge lump in my throat. Once again, I am asking God, how much more? When will I be able to feel a little relief?

Yesterday we joined some friends at Busch Gardens for the day. I have to rent a motorized scooter because I simply cannot walk that far anymore without feeling like my lungs are going to spontaneously combust right out of my chest because of my low blood count. I’m embarrassed by that stupid scooter and as a family it doesn’t bother me that much. However when friends joined us yesterday and they saw me in it, it took everything I could to not cry from embarrassment. I didn’t want to allow my friends to see me weak. I started making jokes about it just to make myself seem like I was okay with it.

I finally blew it off and we did enjoy our day riding rides and laughing. About midday though, I started to feel pretty crappy. I had ridden a roller coaster that shook me just maybe a bit too much and I hurt all over.  I started praying that God would allow me to be okay to make it to the concert that night. It was taking place in Busch Gardens and we had planned on spending the day riding rides and then attending the concert. I didn’t want to put a damper on everyone else’s day so I put on a good face and kept going.

By the time the concert came around I was almost in tears from the pain. I had brought some of my pain pills so I took them and kept smiling. As I listened to Steven Curtis play and he would tell stories in between his songs. I closed my eyes and just listened. He started talking about how we go through things in life that we didn’t plan on, minor things and major things that blindside us when we least expect it. He continued on and it had started to drizzle and I kept my eyes closed because the hot tears started forming in my eyes.

He ended by saying, God has something to say to you and I need you to listen. This is for someone out there tonight… God says that you need to just trust Him. The tears started to flow because I knew without a doubt that God was talking to me. I don’t trust Him enough… I can say it all I want, but I do not trust Him the way I should.

He is the one who created me, He is the one who knows what is coming next around every turn, He is the one who knows the outcome of the pain I have to go through. Why should I not trust Him? Why is it so hard to wait on the one who sees my hurt? I beg and I plead and I cry because I’m done. I hate cancer and the way it makes me feel, I am in constant pain and it only seems to be getting worse and that is hard for me to understand when I pray non stop for Him to fix me… but He says, just trust Me.

Dear God, please allow my story to continue to unfold, please allow me to trust You with my full heart. Please God, please, don’t let my story be done yet…

5 Comments »